Given up

[BobbyT74]

liver disease, alcohol addiction and just wanting (or waiting) to die.

Can’t stop drinking, can’t work effectively anymore.

How do you reverse the mentality of waking up and just wanting a vodka at 8:30am?

[Richard-Allen]

Bobby, you need urgent professional help. Most hospitals now employ an alcohol liaison nurse, some even have an alcohol support team. Try and get an urgent appointment with your GP and ask for a referral to a detox assessment centre.

When a person first develops an alcohol problem, they are drinking because they want to. After some time, for some people, this can turn into an addiction. They are no longer drinking because they want to, but because they have to. The addiction is driving their cravings and desire to drink. Wanting to drink first thing in the morning, is a sign of addiction.

Alcohol, in itself, is a depressant. And this can also cause someone to need to have that drink. This depression can also drive a feeling of not caring if you live or die. In some people, it can get to a point whereby they just wish to fall asleep and never wake up.

This cycle needs to be broken gently. A person needs to be weened off the alcohol slowly otherwise the body can go into shock and the person can slip into a coma. This detox should be a gradual process and be supervised and monitored over some time.

The first point of action is to admit you have a problem. Posting up your cry for help on here tells me you admit to having this problem. The next two questions really need to be, Do you want to live? And, will you be willing to accept help and support?

This needs to be your decision and it shows others that you are committed to getting better, and want to turn your life around. No one is going the judge you, help is out there and there are many people just waiting to help you. But you have to make the first step and want this.

Your GP is your first port of call. Tell them that you need help and they will pull out all the stops to help and support you. Don't be afraid to open up and be totally honest. Like I said, no one is going to blame you or be judgemental. GP's have seen and heard it all before, so go in there and open up. The healing process starts the moment you walk into that office and seek help.

What you must be prepared to admit to yourself is that for you, alcohol is now poison and it is killing you. You will need to convince yourself that you are prepared to commit to a life of total abstinence. If you can do this, (and there are many of us on here who have succeeded) then all the help and advice is there for you. But you have to want this.

Good luck. Have faith in yourself, you can do this.

Richard

[BobbyT74 in reply to Richard-Allen]

Thanks Richard - I maybe need to reconsider my immediate (personal) support.

[SoberDrunk1]

Detox under professional care is important and then you can seek solution via 12 step process. Its about surrendering and working on changing ourself and having a different out look upon life. I am a prime example, I couldn't keep down the drink for even a week or month but here i am into 16 years of sober life.

[Cat-B]

One day at a time, you need to speak to your doctor and find your local alcohol support unit( I am not a fan of AA!) in the mean time try to move that first drink, do anything you can, then bring the last drink forward and again do anything to keep busy. It’s a slow process but with professional help it’s possible to stop. I was hospitalised for 3 weeks and it still took me another 6 months to swap to non alcoholic drinks ( I don’t want a transplant so it was a good option for me) I’m 8 years on. There is light at the end of the tunnel but it’s a long slow journey. Don’t punish yourself or look backwards, it’s baby steps one foot in front of the other, always remember the tortoise wins the race. Good luck, I‘lol be here if you want to talk ok .

[kensimmons]

Forget yesterday. Every day is a new day.

Things will - WILL - get better.

One. Day. At. A. Time.

You can do it.

[BobbyT74 in reply to kensimmons]

🙏

[Hey___]

Hi Bobby...You have come to a point in your life where alcohol has pushed you to a place where it has taken over fella! There are rock bottoms in life which I thought I hit several times and never did I believe I would drink again.... I did! I am living a sober life now but need to continue this journey safely and with the right support and advice from doctors and people who know and understand addiction. There are support services for addiction its just getting the right one for YOU!!'Wanting or waiting to die' in your mind is a powerful notion that nobody on this earth should live with and you have reached out in your post for advice. Well done you!! Alcohol addiction and the impact of your mind and body is immense and recovery can be a slow process but that is my experience and it still is. There is no magic wand for this disease but self belief and having the right people to support you is strongly advised. Good luck in your journey......Keep going!!....Mark

[BobbyT74 in reply to Hey___]

Thank you. A forum like this is one thing. And the helpful comments such as yours mean a lot.

Real life however is much different and I am not sure I have the support I thought I would although I understand why this is difficult for others in my life.

[redpoint72]

Morning fella. It's a difficult task to do...the mentality change came for me,after being rushed in to hospital after a terrible varicies bleed....never seen so much blood....I was that scared. Hospital gastro consultant said if I continued drinking I would die....it was frightening. Obviously in hospital I couldn't drink....that saved me.... my wake up call was looking at myself in the hospital toilet....no muscle,yellow, gaunt, eyes sunken in....stomach massive due to acites...they hadn't performed a parecentis at that point....and I completely broke down at that point...and fell to the floor....sobbing uncontrollably.....I still find it hard to write it down with out getting upset. But...I'm still here....things slowly improved....although always some health issues....even as I speak, I've got fluid gathering in my lower legs. I didn't get any help at all...eg aa. It wasn't for me...but that's just me. So...I've not drank in over 3 years. You can do it fella....maybe not the first time....but you keep going.......until its beaten. Behind you all the way. My best of intentions . Chris

[BobbyT74 in reply to redpoint72]

Thanks Chris. I am increasingly emotional about all of this and I just can’t understand why I can’t stop. I know I am not stupid and I know what this is doing to me - well I don’t know the extent because I have buried my head in the sand - but I do know if I don’t stop this is only going one way. Yet even that isn’t enough for me to deal with it.

I feel like I am going through a protected suicide in a sense. I am not sure if that makes sense to anyone.

[redpoint72 in reply to BobbyT74]

Fella....at least you are talking bout things to us folk on here.....you have to start somewhere...so well done bobby....have you contacted your gp...its a good place to start....explain fully what's going on, and be completely honest with them bout how much your drinking.....they can start the wheels turning for you...but fella u have to be completely honest with your self as well....and that's where I found it hard going.....it is a dam hard difficult road...I'm not denying it..... have you had any recent bloods done???. Have you family or friends fella to call on...if there true friends they will be there for you.......you can always private message me fella if you feel that you want to....for gods sake don't suffer in silence.....that's not good. It is a very emotional period.....I get that one....when I was in hospital....I too was so emotional and upset....and I still get that way when thinking back to being in hospital....and all that went with it...facing reality.....was not easy to do😔. Take it easy fella.

You know where I am Bobby.

My best.chris

[redpoint72]

I've also got to say,that this the BLT forum has been and still is amazing. Some lovely helpful folk on here,as well as the great blt nurses. Even explaining letters that come from my consultant.....when they use complex jargon!!. Stay strong fella. Chris

[thelad73]

Are you drinking all day and passing out or pacing you self and staying soberish? How much are you drinking? do you drink in bed or is it when you go down stairs? Do you work from home? if you work from an office or place you have to travel to are you anxious? I'm still dealing with my problem not dry yet but getting there.

[BobbyT74 in reply to thelad73]

I don’t pass out no. Unfortunately my body seems quite resilient to alcohol. EG I can take a lot without passing out or being sick.

I work from home so it’s easy to drink. That being said when I have gone into the office it is easy to drink on the way, at lunch and on the way home.

I don’t drink in bed but increasing insomnia means that I am awake earlier and start earlier. It seems I have started having daily withdrawals so I have shakes, panics etc.

Unfortunately I have a 24 hour off licence 1 minute away from my house so the “cure” for those shakes and panics is permanently available

[Roy1955]

Do you "want" that vodka or "need" that vodka?If its "want" what is the worse that will happen if you don't have it?

If you "need" it then there's help readily available.

I do not like AA but it might suit you so just give it a go.

It's a route into finding other help.

A tip I can give you about AA is the higher power God thing does not have to be religious.

It's about relying on something to guide you away from booze.

God can be G. O. D.

That stands for Group Of Drunks.

The people there will be your power!

[BobbyT74 in reply to Roy1955]

Hi Roy. I feel that I need it. Insomnia, shakes, panics etc.

In fact when I have it I feel disgusted with myself for being so weak. I say in my head I am killing myself.

[Roy1955 in reply to BobbyT74]

And if you don't drink you get that horrible jolt that wakes you up just as your about to fall asleep.I have been there and beat it.

What your saying is normal, and beatable.

My Dr prescribed a short tapering course of librium and it worked wonders for the physical withdrawal symptoms.

The mental ones are hard, I compared it to mourning the death of my parents, has to be done and can't be avoided, can be accepted though.

65 months ago I was the same as you.

[BobbyT74 in reply to Roy1955]

I totally understand what you are saying - it rings true.

I don’t know whether I am looking for excuses but the heavier drinking for me started when my dad had stage 4 terminal cancer.

For example, when he had hospital updates I’d have 2 or 3 drinks before I called him to try and numb it all.

[Aotea2012]

You can reverse it...but you will need help to do so. As others have said, get to your GP urgently. They will make sure stopping drinking is done safely and can sort out follow up support to ensure that abstinence is maintained. It’s not an easy path, but I can personally vouch for the fact that it’s worth it. In time you’ll find that alcohol has shifted its presence in your life. From front and centre to a bit of a bystander. I don’t think it ever miraculously disappears, but it’s mind altering effect wanes - to a point where it doesn’t convince you that it can sort out all ills. You realise it can’t. There’s a lot of dedicated support services to help...I had support from Turning Point, who were superb. I’m clear that I’ll never drink again. 2 years ago I’d have freaked out at just the thought. Now my health, both mental and physical, is so much better, I’d freak out if I thought wine would make a reappearance in my life. Good luck...and well done for reaching out and asking your question.

[BobbyT74 in reply to Aotea2012]

Thanks for the advice - the process of attaining and maintaining sobriety is so difficult. I can’t work out how to do it though.

[Johnsville1]

Hi Bobby, two and a half years ago I drank vodka from the moment I woke up to stop shaking and sweating, I still went to work with a plastic bag in my car to be sick in during the day. One day my partner she persuaded me to go to the hospital as my stomach looked bloated. I vaguely remember leaving half a bottle in the car as I went to A &E , I never came out again for 6 weeks, I was given only 4 months to live, I went into a coma I had repeated attacks of hepatic encephalopathy, but the doctors and nurses were amazing and I by the grace of god narrowly missed having to have a liver transplant. Two and a half years on I’m now fit and healthy and enjoying my life again, AA was not for me, just the fact I stared death in the face was enough. A few years before I started drinking vodka I remember a new employee at my firm asked me to give him a lift to the shop at 9.30 in the morning where he bought half a bottle of vodka and started swigging it from the bottle on the way back in the car, I looked at him in disgust, and he looked at me and said don’t look at me that way and pass judgement it could happen to anyone. Not in my wildest dreams did I think that would be me. So Bobby be careful and look at what you are doing to yourself, I hope you will find this helpful mate.

[BobbyT74 in reply to Johnsville1]

Thanks - this rings true for me. Completely. You at least had support to sort it. I hope it has all worked out for you.

[BobbyT74]

Hi all - thank you so much for your comments. Each one has been helpful and very gratefully received.

I’m sorry I haven’t replied before now. My spiral (downward) has continued

My wife suspects/knows I am an alcoholic and has said if confirmed she will leave me with the kids. This is the main problem for me properly admitting and opening up.

I want to stress that my drinking doesn’t make me abusive and the main reason my wife thinks I have had a drink is because I appear happy.

I did go to the Dr and did manage 3 months sober and every reading in my bloods came back to normal - liver enzymes still a little over but hugely improved.

I am currently signed off work for anxiety and depression but am self-medicating with alcohol. I have tried so hard not to but am at the stage where I can’t function (or don’t think I can) without this crutch.

For example shakes on wakening up, panic attacks.

However, I’m on a path to being disclosed to my wife one way or another as I need bloods done again and they will have deteriorated I know.

My wife is clear she will leave me. She has already “looked up” signs and advice on the internet and has come to the conclusion - on advice she has read - that an alcoholic is a liar and that a woman should get out of a relationship with one.

What she doesn’t realise is that this approach is the main block to me starting to get better.

[redpoint72 in reply to BobbyT74]

Fella....please talk to your wife....she needs to be in the circle as it were.....ask her for ...if possible a little help...but you have to be honest with her,and be fair with her.....just fully explain things out in layman's terms.....we all,and I mean all deserve a second chance.....but you do have to play your part.....Please open up to her......,but I'm with you fella.

Try fella. Chris

[kensimmons]

Show her this thread. Say you can die without her or live with her and this time, no more bull, you want to live, please, read this (show her this thread) and ask her to help. Say come over here and read this, I am Bobby and I need your help, please.

And show her what others have done. I hope you can read this Newsweek article from the United States. You can do it. Good luck!

newsweek.com/alcohol-nearly...

[Guitar1971]

You need detox mate, like others have said the booze is keeping you depressed.Withdrawal from alcohol needs to be done with meds to be safe, its not a matter of willpower once your body is chemically addicted. There's a difference

Goof luck, I hope your OK as I see this post was a few months ago now and I've only just joined

[Ewife]

I suspect that It will be your dishonesty to her that will hurt her more than the addiction? I agree, show her this thread. And tell her how much you love her and the children. Maybe she's saying she will leave because she doesn't know how else to reach through to you? Maybe she loves you so much she feels its too painful to stand by and watch this downward spiral? One thing for sure, if you carry on, your bloods won't stay good for long. If you catch the liver damage early you can turn it round. I believe you're strong enough to do this, you love your wife and kids and they love you more than you can see right now.Take care,

Ewife

[BobbyT74 in reply to Ewife]

But alcoholics are liars. We lie until we can’t lie anymore. It’s not out of spite. It’s desperation, shame, a sense of uselessness, weakness, failure. Who would admit to that if they could lie?

[Ewife in reply to BobbyT74]

It's a Really Really hard illness. I am sympathetic. I fully believe it IS an illness too. I really hope you will get the help you need and start to feel better soon. My friend was a wife of an alcoholic, and unfortunately she suffered the same denial that her husband had. Sadly he died, and she can only just start to accept now what caused his death. Wishing you all the best

Ewife

[redpoint72 in reply to BobbyT74]

Moring fella. Fella,face your fears....I had to. Unless you do nothing will change....I'm not saying it's easy because it's not...I've been there....on my own,no one to support me as such. I to felt ,failure, shame, sheer frustration and desperation, until I was literally pulling my hair out. We all have to open up to somebody, at some point. And whoever that may be, we have to be 100% at ease with them. In some respects,I've been lucky to see some lovely councillors..helped me tremendously....all sorts of issues that hadn't been resolved, from financial to close bereavements. Like alot of blokes ...saying nowt. What I'm saying is please talk openly with your wife,she deserves that fella. Drink can do untold damage,it really can. I know only to well.But you can slowly turn things in a better direction,you can!if I can,so can you. It takes time,but only you can starting the wheels turning. ...please think fella,I'm with ya fella.

Take care. Chris

[55spenc]

Hi, luckily I’ve never been in this position, but my friend has! Try San Miguel 00 in the morning, try the placebo effect! Good luck