Someone asked me where Antenna is today as apparently their new television had a label saying "built in antenna"!
Joke: Someone asked me where Antenna is... - British Heart Fou...
Joke
MichaelJHHeart Star
Written by
MichaelJH
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60 Replies
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Sorry, I dont get it?
Just seen the non predictive version. They walk among us!
You should not be up at 6:00 - it is Sunday, lay in day (well till at least 8:00). I am voting for the party that limits Sunday trading to petrol stations and garden centres only!
I like that idea. Start a petition I'll sign. BTW not "up" still in bed drinking mandatory large mug of tea.
I remember when I could go to tbe local town centre, park for free and have a stroll around a near deserted centre. A man sold papers from trestle tables in a covered entrance. After buying one you could go to one of two cafes for a tea or coffee. One also did breakfast and lunches. The lunches were inexpensive for the single/elderly.
Now it becomes crowded from 9:30 with endless inconsiderate parking as people try to avoid parking charges. The "enforcers" seem to focus on catching people in the pay and display instead of tackling dangerous parking. Now there are about seven cafes/coffee shops with three being chain ones. A monthly farmers market started early in the millennium. It was pretty OK for a few years but then grew expanding "tat" sales. I can't be asked nowadays! Off to the forum virtual café! 😀
Garden Centre is my plan for today, very excited as we're buying a new wheelbarrow!!!
Don't get overexcited as it is bad for BP! Tell, are you getting a traditional single wheeler or one of the newer multi wheel ones?
Oh my, I've never seen a multi wheeler!! We were going traditional but now....who knows!! I'm really looking forward to playing with the Christmas bits & pieces the garden centres all sell, especially the singing Santa's, sorry but I love a cheesy Christmas!!
"I'm really looking forward to playing with the Christmas bits & pieces"
Must be my dirty mind but I found that very funny lol
I am now the proud owner of a wheelbarrow and we went traditional....feeling emotional 😢 😂
Oh Bless
Roll on Lezzers
Good luck with that. I went to a ‘garden centre’ the other week and had to queue for a space. Hundreds had the same thought and most GC’s are more like department stores
The one at Great Amwell sets up an ice rink as well. With an animal corner and Santa's Grotto weekend parking is horrendous. They have so much Christmas stuff Lezzers could spend all day there!
I only went to a certain DIY shop in the end (long story!) and ended up playing with the Christmas bits & pieces (Frank behave!) with another lady whilst the husbands looked on in the way only husbands can look when they're bored!! No idea who this couple were but the husband wasnt at all impressed with me tell the lady to buy the singing dog! 😂
Brilliant! Thanks for cheering up a gloomy morning! xx
• in reply toHandel
How to give a cat a pill:
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Plastow48• in reply to
Never did find a way to give any of my cats a pill. Vett was no use either. Cat just ate pill as soon as the vet put pill in its mouth. So making me out to be useless.
Handel• in reply to
Mental note to buy Tena lady pads as I've just discovered I have a weak bladder!!! Superb and very reminiscent of the times I've tried to feed pills to our cat! I totally agree with Plastow48. Our vet makes you feel like an idiot.
Our cat just reaches out his paw to take the pill from the vet and self administers!
xxx
Love100cats• in reply to
How do you do it? I mean make me laugh out loud. I've just read it out to my husband. It's been a hard few days with my husband swelling up like a balloon which is worrying. But I've got tears of laughter. We are cat people and have had the cat and pill scenario on a number of occasions. We have just adopted an abandoned cat called Maverick. He is a short hair black and white and quite a character. He loves a lap which is just what I need. We have only had him 10 days but it feels like he's been here for years. Thank you again for your humour.
I totally love all the jokes in this forum 
(This is true) Notice found on a church notice board. " The sermon this morning is Jesus walked on water" "The sermon tonight is searching for Jesus" you couldn't make it up lol. Cheers Roy
Allegedly this is a true notice:
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”. Come early and listen to our choir practice.
I love visiting churches/ church halls etc. It is such a rich source of comedy material. I recenty visited my local WI and read this on the notice board. " Table top sale this Saturday, bring all your unwanted items and items that are no longer any use to you. Bring your Husband "
On a roll now, but promise the last one. Notice on the notice board at my local Slimming World venue. " The next session of Slimming World will start tomorrow. Please use the double doors at the side of the building" Cheers Roy
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.
I had to go to the dentist a few months ago as I broke a filling and, no word of a lie, they gave me an appointment at 2:30! My two kids cracked up at that!
• in reply to
Since you mentioned the dentist - please have a look at this wonderful sketch regarding the dentist - it is priceless. youtu.be/BLNLOsuJNL4
Humour in the everyday...the best. Cheers Roy
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
“You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
This explains why I - and maybe all of us - forward jokes.
READ IT TO THE END, PLEASE.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate and, as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, could you tell me where we are?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveller asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveller gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog
When they were satisfied, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveller asked..
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveller said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
Soooo...
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are all welcome at my water bowl any time!
Handel• in reply to
That was lovely! xxx
facebook.com/kilmenyhotel/p...
Don' t know if this will work borrowed from Pumping Marvellous it works
Very funny. 🤪
Daughter told me and sent photo of the new mowers at the cottage this morning, 3 woolies 😂
Que?
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