Any tips on dealing with other’s reactions (or lack of them?!)

[Choccy8]

Hi everyone. I've recently joined the group after losing my beloved mum at the start of February. I'd been caring for her for the past few years and it's been quite a difficult time. I recently reached out to message a few friends who I hadn’t been in touch with for a while, and told them about mum dying. One seemed quite dismissive. The only response was 'that's so sad', then on to talk about her new job. Another friend sent me three long paragraphs about what he’d been up to, but no mention at all of my news about mum. They're both seemingly functioning adults in their forties... I know sometimes people don't know what to say, but I'm struggling to deal with such seemingly uncaring responses from people I counted as friends. Any tips? Thanks

[Caza]

Hi, I’m sorry for the loss of your mum you must still be feeling really raw. It’s extra hard when you’ve been looking after a sick loved one for some time. All that extra time on your hands now & too much time to think. I’ve learned that some friends unexpectedly step forward others step back & some run a mile. The friends that ran for the hills I’ve let go. The ones that stepped forward are friends for life & the ones that stepped back as in ‘thats so sad, shall we talk about something else now’ I’ve forgiven.

I’ve found that people on the whole do not like to talk about death or dying & don’t want to be touched by your sadness. I don’t think they’re uncaring just frightened I guess. When my daughter died I joined the compassionate friends & met four mums on there that become good friends & we were able to talk to one another having all lost a child we totally understood each other.

This is why this site is so good because we get it.

Don’t lose sleep over your friends. Take care x

[Choccy8 in reply to Caza]

Thank you for your wise words, Casa. Like you, I don’t feel very inclined to carry on the friendship with these people, but I will try and forgive them, maybe from afar! Some friends have been amazing, so I will focus on them. I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter. That must be a very hard loss to bear. As you say, it does help to be able to talk to others who understand. Xx

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi Choccy8 Welcome to our friendly Community.

Caza is absolutely right in every respect {{{hugs}}}

Stay close to your real friends and remember, we are always here for you!

Chloe

[Choccy8 in reply to chloe40]

Thank you for your warm welcome, Chloe! I'm very happy to have found such a nice group. Xx

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Choccy8]

So lovely to have you with us❤️

[kenster1 Volunteer]

sorry to hear you feel unsupported by friends it really can be frustrating glad your here and hopefully you`ll have plenty of listeners.sorry for your loss god bless your dearest mum.

[Choccy8 in reply to kenster1]

Thank you for the lovely message, Kenster. It's good to be here among people who understand.

[kenster1 Volunteer in reply to Choccy8]

yeah had a couple of friends support me with my son but not much with my parents.

[Chase888]

When my mum died the comments I had are too long to go on about.

But in a summary 1 woman who said "she was a good mum. I know she preferred the boys buy she lived you".

Wrong!!!! About 6 years before she died mum said "boys are not special. My life may have been happier if I had had 3 girls. I'm sorry if I hurt you ".

You could try helplines. I phone them sometimes.

That utter moron messaging you sorry to hear about your mum and well you know the rest.

It was like indirectly saying

"Apart from that how are you?"

There is no apart from that.

Keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.

Hugs 🤗

[Choccy8 in reply to Chase888]

Thanks for your support, Chase. I'm sorry to hear of the insensitive comments you received. That woman, what an awful thing to say! You wouldn't think it would be so hard to say something appropriate, would you? Thanks for the hugs, much appreciated!

[Skyp]

Hi chocco. So sad to hear of your mum passing I lost my mum 8 years ago. We only ever get one mum. I lost my sister 5 weeks ago it's just so devestating. Yes I found out who my true freinds are but like we said sometimes people don't know how to react. Be kind to yourself and take care. It's great to have found this group, x

[Skyp]

Ooops sorry choccy not chocco xx

[Sandradsn]

A 'friend ' said to me 6 weeks after my mum died..".Have you got over your mum dying now"People dont know what to say so they say thoughtless things!

[RoseyViolet]

I'm so sorry to hear that your Mum passed away, that is very painful and difficult to process and move through. Your friends reacted very uncaring, and that is very hard to deal with too, especially since you opened up to them.. which is hard to do while you are grieving. I'm so glad you are here!! This is a place where people genuinely care and also have experienced the same type of grief you are going through. It's tough! It's a journey!! Have you ever thought about writing in your journal to your Mum? My sister passed away and one of the things I missed most was our constant communication. As I journaled it felt like I could still tell her all of the things I wanted to, getting it out in a space and place for only me, it seemed to help out a lot.

People don't know what to say so they think not acknowledging your Mum's passing at all will help you to not be sad or be in more grief from their comments. However, one of the most precious things a friend can do is offer to "be there" for you, in silence, sitting with you to comfort you in your pain. Words really fall short during intense grief. I'm so sorry.. it really is okay to NOT be okay. I hope each day moves you one step closer to healing your broken heart. Your Mum would be so proud of you for being on here and getting help in this way. You are stronger than you know!!!