Bereavement Care & Share
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Is this normal ? What can I do ?

My partner's twin sister died 10 months ago at 49 from cancer and only 3 days from diagnosis to passing. My partner still does not accept the reality of her passing and frequently asks to be taken to see her , tries to phone her still. Her CPN told her she is deliberately blocking this and to snap out of it almost which did not help . My partners still asks if it's true ,she would remember that etc. There is no grave as she was cremated and her ashes taken abroad by her daughter to scatter either . I try my best but don't know what to do next . Cruse said they cannot help her until she accept it .

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Hello johntoothill. I am so sorry to learn of your wife's grief and despair, and how you are struggling to know what to do to help her.

It is surely hard for any of us to experience the loss of those we love. Sometimes we deal with strong and painful emotions by blocking the "knowing".

When bereavement has entered my life, as it has, there is a period of feeling utterly numb...it's shock, even when the loss has been expected. Imagine the shock when it isn't expected. Three days is no time to come to terms with what is happening.

I don't know what a CPN is, but find it difficult to understand how any person in a presumably caring role, should say such a thing. "....deliberately blocking" sounds cruel. Deliberate anything means there is thought behind it. I doubt very much that your partner has consciously decided to block. And if she has, then it's because she can't deal with the painful reality of her loss.

Her CPN telling her to "snap out of it" seems incredibly ignorant in this day and age. Surely we know better by now! No one can "snap out" of strong emotions. We all need time and care to find our way through any darkness. If we are lucky, we have loving support as we find our way.

You care. Perhaps an answer for you would be to talk to Cruise on your own behalf. Ask for support for yourself, as you walk beside your partner as she finds her way to acceptance.

Sending love to you both.

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Thank you for your kind thoughts and advice . Good to know there are good people like you around . I really appreciate it . We all need someone to share with and it makes such a difference . I'm here if I can ever help you in any way too

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Thank you. With so much in your heart and on your mind, it is very kind of you to offer help to me, should I need help. I will remember.

It's important for us all to know that although we may feel alone with a problem, there are always others who are willing to help us cope.

Another group who may be able to offer comfort and guidance is the Samaritans. They are there, and willing to listen, to all of us who need an empathetic, compassionate ear. We do not need to feel suicidal to benefit from their caring....they will listen to whatever our need may be.

Take good care of yourself, as well as your partner. When we take care of ourselves, we are in a better place to help those who need us.

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I'm wondering if it is time to take your partner back to the GP, report what the CPN said and ask whether there is another angle which could help her? Could you perhaps visit the neice in whichever country it was and hopefully show your partner where the ashes were scattered? The fact that there is no physical focus for your partner's grief may be blocking her emotional recovery, by allowing her to believe her twin is still alive.

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I'm so sorry you and your wife are having such a problem. I'm no expert but I feel when people tell you you've got to accept and move on it's really no help at all. The only advice I can give is to talk about your wife'sister often. When she asks you if it's true say yes and then get her to talk about past happy times with her sister. Yes it will make her sad and she may cry, let her cry, she's lost a part of herself. I'm always amazed that people think that after a loss you musn't remind people , mustn't make them cry. I find it so hurtful after the loss of a loved one, people avoid talking about them for fear of upsetting you. I love it when people say something like "Michael would have loved that film". Yes it makes me tearful but I know that they haven't cast him off and left me to bear the loss alone. Sorry if I've rambled on. I'm sure your wife will come to accept it but it is still only 10 months since it happened - no time at all. God Bless both, Sheila

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Thank you for your thoughts . I still get by one day at a time knowing eventually it should get a little easier one day .

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johntoothill

3Days is so short a time for your partner to accept the bereavement.She must be a

really caring person that it hurt so much.Accepting bereavement of a special person

is hard to accept by any normal being.Please text and share if a solution is found.

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Thank you .yes it is such a struggle at present . I will update you as we go forward .thank you

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Sounds as if this fits the ‘top difficult for us’ box. Complain about the CPN and ask to see the psychiatrist as a matter of urgency. So sorry for her, especially as she has nowhere to go.

When my son ....0ne of triplets....died,he wailed like a wounded animal. Try to encourage her to go somewhere she can do that....and try as sensitively as you can to visit where the ashes are scattered...and think about giving her somewhere to go...perhaps plant a tree. Suspect she will accept it with your support but it’s not at all easy for either of you. Xxx

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