I appreciate this is a difficult question to answer but....

[chloe40]

Has anyone's relationship broken down because their partner couldn't cope with your grief?

Thank you <3

[kenster1 Volunteer]

I`ll be honest and say finding out my dad was ill didn`t help as roughly the same day I discovered my Mrs was kind of being unfaithful it was a bitter blow still together but we`re lost.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to kenster1]

Thank you so much Kenny @kenster1 I know how personal this is and I very much appreciate your honesty.I'm really sorry you've been through this trauma as well as the worry of your dear Dad at that time.

I've always thought that this side effect of grief is quite likely to present itself but I haven't read anything to indicate this was the case.

It seemed to me that unless we have rock solid relationships and let's be honest, not all of us have, that us being so worried and upset about our loved one's health and loss, that naturally, we are not in a position mentally or physically to think of anyone but ourselves, nor should anyone expect us too, so I wanted to ask this question for myself.

You've bravely said that you're lost and I want you to know that I would be there for either or both of you if you wanted to chat about it, sometimes another view can show a way forward.

You know how to reach me Kenny.

Sending love to you both <3

[Caza]

My husband & I greave in very different ways. We’ve never spoken about the very traumatic years that let up to the death or the death itself. I guess it’s strange.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Caza]

Thank you Caza I really appreciate your honest reply,

Quite often when something so raw and painful as a close loss, it can just be too much to handle, even with our nearest and dearest, I totally get this.

We should be able to talk about it, but something inside us just dare not let anything out, for fear that the pain will become so much worse that we can't cope. Sometimes we feel that it's better just to say nothing than to risk something that could be far worse, I'm guilty of that myself.

I'm not sure that not talking is a a way of protecting the other person or we just can't face it anymore.

I'm not sure what your feelings are about this but I appreciate how difficult it can be x

Thank you @Caza <3

[Caza in reply to chloe40]

I think your spot on way too painful to talk about it. Is that healthy or not 🤷‍♀️

They say it’s good to talk & I guess it is for some but not me.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Caza]

Some things just can’t spoken about Caza and if you’re able to cope with that then it’s right for you, but if you’re hurting you can be sure your loved is too, in that case, finding a way to let that pain out should help a tiny bit, may even bring you closerI feel that your pain is so so hard to cope with @Caza that only you can judge what is right.

Sending love 💗

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Caza]

Please remember that I am here if either or both of you need to talk Caza 💗

[Sandradsn]

My dad died 2 weeks after I got married ,he'd been so ill.We didn't cope very well being newlywed,it was an awful time really.We managed to carry on just,but my husband didn't seem to understand my grief,I was just 19.Not sure I've forgiven him for that.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi Sandradsn My, that was tough for you both, the time you both should have been honeymooning, but the loss of your dear Dad at that time would have been dreadful for you especially I'm sure.

You may have felt torn between your husband and family, not an easy place to be, especially at such a young age Sandra. I don't know how you coped to be honest, but it must have been very awkward and very painful to say the least.

I'd have felt the same way, not easy to forgive but...

Sending love

Chloe <3

[CherishedGal]

Dealing with grief is a very personal thing. Everyone does it their own way. When my son and daughter-in-law lost their 5-month-old son to SIDS it was the most difficult time for all of us. Personally, I couldn't talk at all. All I could do was cry when thinking about baby Nicholas at that time. The worse part was the tears weren't even for him, but for myself and my loss. Once I got to the point of seeing what I was doing I finally got a grasp on things with the help of some kind loving friends. My son and daughter-in-law were not doing well at all. They just weren't processing it all very well and it looked like it was going to tear them apart. So I finally talked with them about going to counseling (which they didn't want to do) but would go talk with a minister. It was the best thing they could have ever done. They felt free to talk openly and the minister spent many weeks with them just getting them to open up to each other and deal with their true feelings. They both felt like they had to blame someone and 1st they blamed God, and then they blamed their Doctor, and then they started blaming each other. One thing is for sure..men and women handle their grief much differently. They just aren't wired the same way. And sometimes it just takes more help than what we can get from the ones closest to us. Being a Christian made all the difference for us we had lots of other people to lean on when we were at our lowest that was there trying to help us direct our minds in different directions, away from all the unhappiness. I hope you also have these kinds of friends that you can lean on in your time of need. Don't just look for help to come from inside your home because that's not always the best place to receive it from.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to CherishedGal]

Welcome to our Community CherishedGal

Words cannot describe the sadness I felt reading your post, no-one knows what families go through at such sad times and I thank you for sharing what happened to yours.

I am hoping another member here who may have been through such trauma will reply to you but please remember we are always here for you.

Sending love

Chloe

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to CherishedGal]

HI again CherishedGal I wanted to add that the pressure on both parents after such a tragic loss is unbearable and in my opinion, so much so that it can lead to separation, so I was so pleased to read how you watched and saw what was happening and lead them to seek help, talking is vital, so thank you from me <3

[CherishedGal]

Thank you chloe40. for all the kind words! Our Nicholas died a month after 911 so we were already in a daze at that time. It was like a double hit from a stun gun on us. The death of a child is truly unbearable and there is nothing to keep you stable at that time in your life. Nothing makes sense... All you can do is let it wash through you and go with all the pain you are feeling. It just drags you down until you feel like you have fallen into a pit and no way out. After you get to the point where you have accepted that it's happened and you can't fix it, then you know that you have to get on with your life for all of the other loved ones in your life. At that time when you have nowhere else to turn you are open to suggestions for obtaining help in some way. But like I said everyone processes it in their own way and in their own time. There are no words even heard until you have processed through it. The best thing people can do for you is to give you a little space and time, but just keep in contact offering a shoulder if you need one. I received more cards from friends during that time than any other in my life and they meant so much to me and I still have them today. This is exactly what I did with my kids--- I gave them time, but at the same time I kept watch on how they were processing it. Then when they started the blame game, I made them sit down and talk with me and we talked about what they were going to do from that point forward-just keep living with all the unhappiness between them or try to fix it. I was awfully glad they were both wanting to try and even more glad when they started making their decisions on where they were going to reach out to. Their hearts started softening toward each other immediately. For them, the minister was the best place for them to be that made any sense out their upside-down world. I hope this is helpful for someone else out there. I really do know how hard it is to talk about the hurt, but it doesn't go away you just have to learn how to live with it and honestly that loved one is worth every bit of the tears and heartache so it isn't something to be ashamed of to show or to share with someone who can help.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to CherishedGal]

Thank you so much for sharing this CherishedGal

I am so grateful to you<3