a little progress

[RcKitty]

Possible trigger!!** it's been 7 years since my mother's sudden death. I had a very difficult relationship with her, and we were estranged. I never got to say good bye or resolve anything which I regret so much. I feel so grieved and also guilty and remorseful all the time. I fall into a black hole and feel sometimes I just want to be with her. I just want to be wherever she is, so that I can tell her how sorry I am for all the hurtful words, and how much I loved her and how I would give anything to have her back. and I feel that I do not deserve to be alive , because I was a horrible daughter. what kind of daughter accuses her mother of abuse and stop talking to her. I am worthless and I should be he one gone.

It is exhausting, soul crushing to feel do much guilt and grief at the same time. but through therapy I know the emotional abuse was real and happened from early childhood. I did experience trauma that I am now facing as an adult and it has been so difficult I struggle with wanting to go on with my life.

BUT, this past week, I feel that I might have made some progress I am hoping, because I although I cried and fell apart as usual but I was able to stop myself. I gave myself an hour to grieve each day , to let it all out and then told myself I will stop and try to not grieve for the rest of the day and was able to do it. I am hopng this is permanent progress.. I hope. there is hope I think to move on from such grief not through forgetting but through facing it and then letting yourself let go a little and live your life. that your loved one would want happiness for you, and you are worthy of happiness in life. it's still so hard though I have a long way to go

[Nathalie99]

I am very sorry for your loss and pain, RcKitty.

It's very difficult to grieve in a situation where trauma is involved and you are doing the right thing by talking to a therapist.

It's horrible that you had to go through this and it's especially horrible thinking what could have been done differently. But it can't be changed...

You are working through this very difficult grief and also on your trauma which will hopefully give you some peace.

Please remember about self compassion and that you do matter...

You are coping in the best way possible under very difficult circumstances.

Sending you support...

[kenster1 Volunteer]

hi sorry to hear of your suffering since the loss of your mum.i lived at home with my parents till just after my mum passed.i was up at the hospital most days and nights but I went to see her with my sister and dad on the day she died but I ended up in a pub with a friend and later that's when I got the call.im sure your mum knows you love her even from up in heaven.please don't torture yourself anymore your dear mum wouldn't want that you've hurt enough.put some events in your calendar grieve by all means but try and grasp some memories of happiness to round it off.every feeling thought and emotion occurs during grief and your right we have to let go at some point but that doesn't mean they wont be in our hearts and minds forever.take care.

[socratesanne]

Can empathize and feel that this might be something that takes time, this unresolved grief. My only difference I tried to resolve but was not understood or the relationship was shoved under the carpet, with full knowledge as the history of abuse. My wrong was I know there were apologies, but even though I heard them, I did not feel they were sincere and that is my stupidity. I should have acknowledged she was trying in her way to make amends and doing the best she could to minimize her guilt. It was just never enough for me as the behavior did not change. I do know that guilt is so damaging. Glad you are moving on and realize you are worthy of happiness. Trust you internal process. So glad you shared you battle and hope your healiing only increases in strengthening you.

[froggymom88]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom and the relationship you wanted with her. I sometimes feel I didn't do enough for my dad before he died ,so like you I had feeling of guilt. We can't go back only forward. I decided to write a long letter to him and tell him how sorry I was for the times I was less than helpful or compassionate. I made a little altar , burned the letter and asked the angels to deliver it to him. I know he received the message and has forgiven me. Tell your mom that you forgive her and seek her forgiveness too. Then let it go and walk forward with God. I will be praying for you.Hugs.