On reflection, what 3 acts of help.....

[chloe40]

would you like to have been given in the first 3months after the loss of your loved one.

Chloe x

[kenster1 Volunteer]

more support from my ex partners family.instant referral to bereavement counselling.a better understanding from my doctor.thats three things I needed after my son died.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to kenster1]

Hi Kenny kenster1

Thanks for starting us off.

Yes, wouldn't life be made a lot easier if we had those things Kenny, at least two of the three should be available to all and would make for less anxiety at a time when we're so afraid and desperately in need help.

Chloe x

[Arniestal]

After the sudden lose of my mum almost 23 months ago I don't know I was in a shocked panicked place. But because of the feeling of utter loneliness I think some understanding people would have been good. Today still not getting through any day without being in tears. There is no help.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Arniestal]

Hi there Arniestal

Welcome to our Community, lovely to have you join us.

So sorry to read of the loss of your dear Mum. You've summed up grief perfectly, it's the shock, anxiety and fear that we feel initially, followed by the dreadful loneliness and it is still relatively early days for you. Have you any support outside the family? if not have a look at our resources on the right hand side of the page. There are many support groups that meet up regularly and that may be helpful to you. I suggest you look online, the more support you can access the better.

We're always here for you and do pop in anytime to chat.

Take good care of yourself.

Chloe

[Greyone]

That is such a good question.

The 1st would be a total stranger to talk to & shoulder to cry on. Nobody from my mums home, our doctors ever talked to us about support. I never even wished for it at the time she died. But even then I did not think about it. It was originally for a different cause that I underwent counselling. The counselling I had was provided by my employer and under strict 5 sessions only. With hindsight, I think this was a mistake and I should have had counselling based around my needs.

The 2nd would be a dedicated health advisor. Succumbing to several minor ailments and having time on my hands, I often wonder if I am getting the best out of the NHS according to their needs and not mine.

The 3rd would be a life coach to help me plan for the next 30 years. I find myself plagued by feelings of inadequacy. Yet I know this is an illusion but these negative emotions still come upon me in waves.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Greyone]

Hi Greyone

Great answers, I particularly like the idea of a life coach. I had previous thought of going down that route and had I thought it could be incorporated with bereavement counselling, I most certainly would have. It definitely fits together. Hmm...…….

Chloe

[Greyone in reply to chloe40]

Thanks, Chloe. One question I still ask myself is "do I need counselling ?". I just need to figure out how to figure out the answer, lol.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Greyone]

Greyone If you feel the need then you'll benefit, if in doubt....

Chloe x

[Greyone in reply to chloe40]

That is so strange. I wonder how it fits in with emotional swings. I concede that if you think you do then... is a basis for step one but I have often wondered about further counseling to fit in with my needs rather than a generic plan. In the meantime Cruse and Samaritans provide me with good ad-hoc support.

[GoGo_JoJo in reply to Greyone]

We all need counselling, we often don't realise how much until afterwards. In an ideal world we'd get a regular head check every few years.

[Greyone in reply to GoGo_JoJo]

The keys though are self-awareness and self help.

[GoGo_JoJo in reply to Greyone]

I agree however our perspectives are often skewed by life events. Sometimes an outside observer can help us see things in a different light. We are often far harder on ourselves than we should be.

[writingforjoy]

I was frozen after the loss of my loved one. I smiled but was numb. I hid my hurting in private. I wish other's could have stepped up with the practical. The first week or so you get lots of cards and flowers, but no follow up. It is as if your loved one is forgotten and the pain should be gone. A note, how are you doing, may have helped me evaluate my own feelings a bit more. Flowers to add sunshine to a room when all the others began dying. It was hard to see those flowers die!

An invite to get out of the house. I may have declined, but it would have been good to have been thought of. Just gestures and prayers. Lots and lots of prayers. It took me over a year to wake up from the slumber of loss. It is lonely even in a sea of people. Keep reaching out.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to writingforjoy]

Hello writingforjoy

Thank you for your reply.

I absolutely agree with every word you have written. So many times this point has been spoken about and yet still others have no concept of our suffering.

I do hope that in the future things will be different and they're is even more awareness than there is now.

Chloe

[Ladybird25]

- Talking

People giving me the opportunity to talk about my mum and remember the good and sad times. People always seem uncomfortable talking about someone who has passed away, but I really needed to talk about my mum and I wanted people to listen.

- Company

People think you have a crowd of people around you, but once close family and friends get back to their own lives, it can be very lonely, especially evenings and weekends. I could spend a whole weekend alone and if I did venture out, the only people I’d speak to were shop assistants.

- Not to expect too much from me

People think you’re back functioning on all cylinders again, when you’re not. You put on the brave smile because it’s expected, but the tears still keep flowing, but usually now behind closed doors rather than out in the open, although it can still happen when you get that painful “trigger”. I try to keep going but my loss is always there, always on my mind. I would just like people to be aware of that, but I know everyone is busy with their own lives. Just be gentle with me and give me time.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Ladybird25]

Thank you for your reply Ladybird25

Very well summed up, if only other people would take the trouble to think about us, we don't ask for much and it should be so easy but somehow this barrier comes up, when in fact it should come down!

Chloe x

[socratesanne in reply to Ladybird25]

Yes, I had been pretending for years, dealing with multiple deaths in a short span of time. No one knew and when you try to tell them, they do not want to hear or go back there. The deaths pop up at odd timee, especially my cat as he was one who could confort me while many of the humans were not as affective in comforting. That was always my job. Doing grief that way only put me into a false numb state. Now there is no one left.

[No1wthayla]

For me, a month long vacation to get myself back together, a friend to talk to, more options than psychiatric help for dealing with the loss. My doctor keeps recommending the latter but I don't want to go that route. I did have a friend to talk to though. She was a friend of my mother and also of my mother-in-law, one died in 2009 the other in 2019. That friend is still in touch with me almost daily.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to No1wthayla]

Sounds good to me No1wthayla

and so nice that she is still in contact with you <3

Chloe