I had my son in October 2021 and was in an MBU for several months following that. It started with a manic episode, but then I went into a deep depression. At this point, I was so low that I would have happily traded my son to be well again and get my old life back. I was lucky and had great support from a Parent-Infant Psychotherapist both in hospital and then in the community which really helped me to explore these feelings and come to appreciate him and see how he was bonded to me.
It sounds ridiculous, but I recently changed my phone settings and now get changing photos of my son including ones from when he was very little. Since then, I’ve been feeling really sad and a big sense of loss for the time I could have been enjoying him. My memory of his life is also pretty sketchy thanks to the meds I’m on and so, for example, cant remember what it was like to hold him when he was. These feelings are compounded by the fact that he may well be my only baby given how ill I was.
I’m lucky that I can get some counselling through my work, but wondered what other people have done faced with similar emotions?
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Alpav
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I can completely relate to those emotions you’ve described, that is exactly how I have felt/ still feel sometimes. I have very few photos of him and can’t remember when I first held him.
What we have been through is a trauma and with that it is the same as grief. I think that recognising that can help to process what has happened. Acceptance is the key for trying to move on and I think of you can access counselling, hopefully they will be able to help with this.
We can’t change the past and will never be able to get those moments back. We didn’t get the experience as mothers that we wished for and I think that will always hurt deeply. Like grief, I think the pain gets more manageable over time.
What helps me is practicing gratitude, being thankful for the ability to now be present and make new memories with my son. Also, giving myself compassion that I did the best I could and I got better for my son.
Thank you for your post and for sharing how you feel so openly. I'm sorry to hear about the hard time you had a few years ago - there's plenty of us here who can relate and I hope you find comfort and support both here and with the counselling you can access.
I can certainly relate to your feeling of loss about that time. It's almost like grief for what could have been different. My experience was 15yrs ago now and even still I sometimes think back to 'what if' things had been different. I'm sorry to say that at one point I was adamant that my child should be given up for adoption as I felt I would never be able to care for him properly and safely.
Yet...here I am 15yrs later and we're both still here, together - not a 'perfect' relationship (whatever that means!) but who's to say it would have been any different without that early difficult experience.
You ask what others have done with those emotions. Well I'd say it's ok to let yourself feel them. They wash over like a big wave and then subside for a bit. They might return on and off, but know they won't hurt you. I take some comfort in thinking back, or looking at photos of happy times with my child. Also, though he's a moody teenager now, I also really take note of little glimmers of love and happiness I feel so lucky to share with him nowadays. For example, last night when I called out 'Good night, love you' I got a rare 'Love you' back! Just a little thing, but means the world to me after all we've been through
Thanks. Yes it’s true about the waves like you say and I guess also helpful to know that the sort of experience we’ve had does stay with you, but feels more manageable.I know what you mean about trying to really focus on little positive things as it was something that helped me in my recovery.
I'm so glad you've reached out here. I too had deep depression after the psychosis, and I felt like my baby's first year, but particularly the early baby days, were stolen from me, to some extent. I remember feeling so sad, and also jealous of other mum's who had different , more positive experiences.
I found writing here, and hearing others experiences, and realising those feelings were common for the pp, and I wasn't alone in them, really helped me. I hope it may help you too. They are such natural feelings. And just expressing and acknowledging them really helped. I found too that as my son got older (from about a year and later) - I could see how close our bond was, he actually became quite a mummy's boy, and this was a great healer for me. I realised I could still be the mum I had longed to be. He is 11 now, and we are still very close.
Do take care, these feelings are hard , but they really are so natural, and my experience was with time it does get easier,
I became ill when my son was around 5 months old and I was discharged from the Mother and Baby unit when he turned one. I struggled for a long time with feelings that I hadn’t been able to experience what I should have, very jealous of other mums…. I felt like I had been robbed of the special moments I was meant to have had. The medication and ECT treatment meant I had (and still have) blanks in my memory from this period. If someone asks me about my son….whether he crawled…did he eat well….I just simply can’t remember. It did take me a while to stop punishing myself for this and to not be angry about it. MY son is now three and a half and there have been so many more milestones that I have been part of and that I can remember and this helps a lot.
As a couple we have also decided to not have any more kids as I was so ill and this has taken a long time to come to terms with. It does feel like a loss and you need to allow yourself to grieve for that loss.
It sounds so cliche but your feelings and thoughts will diminish with time…. Try not to be hard on yourself and you can always ask your family or friends to help fill in the gaps and ay be there are some photos that will help you feel like you were actually present during those times.
Connecting with other PP survivors has also been amazing to just know that other people have been through similar experiences.
Thank you so much. It’s so helpful to hear from someone who had a very similar experience but is a little further on in their journey. The way you articulated some of the feelings as grief resonated with me because I was going along feeling fine and then boom, it hit me! But good to know it gets better.
It has been 13 years...and I was able to bond with my son when he was a toddler, not as a baby. I was just so ill when sectioned and then released, but being looked after full time for 6 months by my partner and slowly learnt to cover my primary needs again. I was absolutely disassociated for a long time due to the traditional drugs I have had to take and the ill treatment I received in the mixed gender psychiatric unit.
Over the years I tried to puzzle pieces together with the help of my medical file and my partner supporting and answering all the questions I had throughout the years. I think after 5-6 years I was able to put up pics of the baby I would have liked to take care of. I recognise my son in these pictures and I can link those visual evidence with all the rest of our beautiful time together as a toddler, child and now near enough teenager.
The past can not be changed, but you can create new foot prints and enjoy the present moment. My gratitude is immense as my son is such a caring and sensitive child. I believe a lot of children are with PPP mums...
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