I am recovering from PP 14 weeks ago, I spent 4 weeks in an MBU and got home when my son was 6 weeks old. I have been struggling with depression and really low motivation since then.
The biggest thing is I can't stop ruminating over the fact we are no longer breastfeeding. We were breastfeeding really well for the first week and then as the psychosis took home and me and my son were seperated he needed formula as I got placed at the MBU. We then combination fed but in a fairly adhoc way until about 10 weeks but he started to scream at my breast and lot latch for very long. I don't think I really had the focus or attention span to be feeding him reliably as the depression took hold and I was very unmotivated to do anything. In the meantime my partner kept going with bottles to ensure our son got fed which I am very grateful for. I then panicked and had loads of anxiety about not breastfeeding so tried a relactation effort of pumping and feeding but I quickly lost focus with it and gave up. About a week ago I agreed to stop trying to latch my son as he was just screaming or latching for a minute and it didn't feel very useful, it felt like I should try and commit to bottles and move on from the grief around breastfeeding. It is valuable that my husband can feed him and I can get some rest.
Now I think I am feeling a bit more energetic now my olanzapine dose is less I feel up to the challenge of breastfeeding but I think this cycle is harmful, it's too late and I need to accept he is bottle fed.
Did anyone else really struggle with the way PP impacted their feeding journey? I almost wish my meds meant I couldn't breastfeed him or something else clear cut as really I just feel like it's my fault for being too lazy to feed him in the weeks since we have come home. I feel so bleak and heartbroken about it and still feel the urge to try and latch him even though I know I don't have milk there. I don't know how to come to terms with the bottles, or the PP, or my depression now. Everything feels pretty hopeless and like the dream of having a baby is ruined and I am stuck sitting on the sofa just staring at my baby and wondering how this all happened. At the MBU and during the psychosis I was so motivated to get well and get out of there and now I wish I hadn't rushed out of there because the low is worse than the MBU and psychosis.
Thank you for listening, I'm grateful for this forum.
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Strawberryyogurt
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I’m sorry to hear about your experience after having your son. I had pp after the birth of my daughter back in 2016, I went on to have a son in 2020, with no reoccurrence of pp.
I’m sorry your breastfeeding journey ended not how you wanted it too. I breastfed my daughter until I went into hospital when she was ten days old ( I was on a general mental health ward so we were separated) and then I had to stop.
It is something I struggled with, I felt like the decision to stop breastfeeding was taken away from me.
It can be hard to see the positives but like you said, your husband can feed him and you can get your rest that you need.
I was on olanzapine and the fact that your doctors have reduced your dose and that you feel like you have more energy is a very good thing.
The low mood you describe, I remember feeling that way, I used to go through the motions and just get through the day. Recovery from pp is tough and not quick.
Be kind to yourself, it’s still early days.
How much support do you get now you’ve been discharged from the mbu? Hopefully you have someone you can share what you are feeling with.
Here are some links from mind about perinatal mental health and pp.
Hi Rachel, thank you for your reply. I am under the perinatal mental health team and see a psychotherapist once a week, we have been talking about it. Did you go on to breastfeed your son? I have been hoping if we have another baby the journey will be different. I have used apps peer support and insider guides, they are really helpful.
I had pp in 2016 and managed to breastfeed both my kids and have volunteered as a breastfeeding peer supporter.
I was very fortunate that breastfeeding just happened to come easily to my baby and there wasn't a big interruption to the feeding relationship.
But, so many women I've supported as a peer supporter in APP and with breastfeeding have had emotional struggles with not being able to meet their breastfeeding goals. Sometimes people struggle to understand that on either side, bf women think "well why don't you just bf" and formula feeding women sometimes don't understand why it's a big deal not to breastfeed... It can be really tricky to feel supported in your feelings.
It's totally understandable that you would be grieving that breastfeeding relationship... It's valid to feel that way and it will take some time for you to come to terms with that loss.
However it does not at all change your relationship with your child. You are a loving mum and not breastfeeding your child sounds like a difficult decision you've had to make for your own wellbeing and the well-being of your baby. You are doing the best thing for you both.
I still grieve bits about my early experiences of my firstborns life... Really came home to me with intense emotions I've experienced with family members having their first children uneventfully.... But it's generally so much easier with the passage of time.
You are an incredible woman, coming as far as you have already and I'm sure you've got so much further still to go... You can do it.
I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had to go through this. I had a similar experience in 2021 when I was out on lithium and had to stop breastfeeding. I really struggled to know what the point of me was as it felt like there was nothing special about what I could do for my son. Everyone would say “but you’re his mum” but I really didn’t feel the point of that. I would say that stopping breastfeeding was the biggest trauma and the biggest contributor to my depression after my PP.
I wish I’d been told at the time, but someone said when feeding, you can put your baby’s chest again your chest and maybe get some skin on skin going while you feed him.
I know that babies are really meant to respond well to their mum’s voice as it’s one of the most familiar sounds. I found that I enjoyed singing to my son and have continued that - he now really enjoys music, which is lovely to see.
I completely hear that you’re saying about it being a grieving process. It took me a while to get over and actually found it easier when he started solids. I love cooking and so this was another way I could express my love for him.
I promise you it will get easier with time. But it’s also important not to minimise the really hard feelings.
That's exactly how I feel, that neither side can quite understand it because for formula feeding mums it's their norm and breastfeeding mums suggest I start pumping or latching again. It's so hard because part of me thinks maybe we could start again and I'm not really sure why we stopped except that I needed and also really wanted to sleep overnight, I still do. I hate the bottles and what they represent. I'm glad to hear time helps. Thank you for your reply
I think this stage you're going through is so so tough as you're low in mood and trying to come to terms with everything that happened but life has to carry on. It's hard when every time you've got to be confronted by it by making bottles and not being able to breastfeed when you wanted to.
But honestly, whilst there might always be a little kernel of sadness about breastfeeding, it's such a small part of the story of your life together in the grand scheme of things. Time heals....
When I was recovering and feeling pretty flat all the time and struggling to talk (unusual for me, as a chatterbox!) somebody suggested that I sing to my baby. I found that easier to do than talking because other than think of what song to sing next I didn't need to think too much. Now my baby is a handsome and gangly 8 year old boy, he sings songs he has made up himself all the time and I suppose maybe even though I struggled to talk I was still communicating. I just sang the usuals, wheels on the bus, frere Jacques etc. he's so musical and I suppose it's nice now that he's bigger I can see that the mum guilt I carried about not talking all through that time wasn't needed. We're good enough parents. We're doing our very best at an exceptionally difficult time.
Thank you. I am hoping time will heal, and counting down the days until we can start weaning and take the focus off milk a little bit. Thank you for your replies, they are really thoughtful and helpful
I'm so sorry to read your post and hear about your grief around breastfeeding. There is so so much loss in and around experiencing PP - I can absolutely relate to how you describe it. Grief is only natural after the trauma of PP and the loss we all experience in different ways.
I know for me, I struggled with being stripped of the opportunity to try and hold onto our great start we'd had breastfeeding. Having your baby scream as you describe is so very distressing. I am so sorry this has happened to you too. Not being able to continue as you had been is in no way your fault, I hope you know that? I took it very personally when I could no longer breastfeed. It hurt hugely emotionally even though I was depressed, numb and really struggling. You haven't caused any of this, I hope you know that?
In my experience PP has a very manipulative way of attempting to hold you down - its insidious, doesn't discriminate and can feel inescapable the depression that can follow. But its not. For me, talking with my health visitor, mental health team, being so honest, and raw - did help in time. Maybe your health visitor (if you have one?) might be able to suggest something like the support of Homestart or a small group you could try? It might feel too early, to go out in that way. But Homestart have volunteers who support families, there might be someone able to support you while its so early still, either with practical things at home, company for you, or maybe walking down the road to the park with the pushchair.
I don't know if you've thought about asking around locally if there are any baby massage classes or something that might support you in maybe being with your little baby in other ways other than breastfeeding? The local children and family centre helped me via the Health Visitor to access a baby massage class where I went each week with my little one. Initially the idea sounded absolutely RIDICULOUS to me. Honestly, I thought that the people around me could not understand at all if they thought it'd help. But something made me try.
I'll be honest I detested going to the baby massage to start with - but actually being somewhere with the distraction of others around, and following the tuition of someone there with me gradually actually helped. It felt supported in a similar way to an MBU although obviously not at all the same. I needed help to rebuild my confidence. I wasn't then sat alone focussing on what, at the time, I perceived to be my own failings and shortcomings. It gave space for me to be distracted. It gave me space to try and focus on something other than feeling like absolute horror washed up, alone on a desert island. In reality I was never alone. But the PP and depression always tried to make me feel as though I was.
In my experience, PP and recovery after made me thing the absolute worst of myself. BUT NONE of it was true.
In time, my confidence grew again, and I came to question what my recovering brain was attempting to make me think and feel. Keep chatting, keep writing if it helps. Keep speaking with the health professionals and family too. I'm so sorry you're feeling that the low is worse than the admission with psychosis. I also struggled with that - trudging through treacle post the psychosis. Everything was dull, dark and depressing. But in time I did get there. You will too. I'm glad you've found the forum. And its so so good you're talking here, I was in denial for quite some time about my depression so the fact that you can speak about your feelings is a good thing. Even though I've no doubt its painful too. I know its so so hard, try not to put pressure on yourself. One step at a time.
Thank you so much for this post. I know it will resonate with so many of us and being brave enough to write it down here will help more people than you realise.
Grief is exactly the right word for your experience. My breastfeeding journey was slightly different as my baby wouldn’t latch and I was determined to pump to keep up my supply until we could resolve it. I too wasn’t well enough to keep up with the demand needed and had to give up. I didn’t realise how important it was to me until the choice was taken away from me.
That was 2.5 years ago, and with time I am able to look back on the experience and know that I did the absolute best I could for my baby. He was fully formula fed and is thriving and hitting all his milestones.
The most important thing is for you to continue your recovery. Sadly the depression you’re describing is so common after PP. Hopefully your community perinatal mental health team can support you with this through a variety of therapeutic interventions, happy to share more information on this if you would like.
Practicing self-compassion has helped me come to terms with what happened and let go of the guilt. It won’t let me paste the link but there are some great resources at the following website;
Sorry to hear you're struggling with low mood. I also found the same guilt around not breastfeeding. I stopped breastfeeding when I became unwell - I just had so much going on in my head and I was so scared of what was happening to me I just simply wasn't in the right head space to breastfeed. Prior to becoming unwell breastfeeding was going so well - I was able to breastfeed for two weeks postpartum. When I became well again I too tried to pump to get my milk supply back however I was not convinced that breastfeeding on Olanzapine was safe but that was likely my anxiety at the time. However whilst in the MBU I did my own research on Olanzapine and breastfeeding and found there were no long terms studies on those who had been breastfed whilst on Olanzapine so I therefore didn't know the long-term risks so I decided from that point not to try and get my milk supply back and instead go forward knowing formula is a safe option as myself and my sister as well as others I know had all been formula fed. I think the fact your Baby got colostrum at the beginning is great and gave your Baby a great start. Even without that formula has everything a Baby may need. My Baby is now 2 yrs 8 months and is healthy and happy and for me that's all that matters. I hope you knowing the same of your Baby brings you some comfort - you've done amazing!
With regards to the low mood I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I too rushed out of MBU feeling great and eager to get home however once I was home I became very depressed. I went on antidepressants however I soon came off them as I didn't like the way they made me feel. I'm still feeling very low in mood however there are supplements out there that may be able to help. Mucuna for dopamine and 5-HTP for Seratonin - I haven't tried these myself so you'd have to do your own research on these to make sure they're suitable for you. I am however taking Magnesium L-Threonate to aid sleep whilst tapering Olanzapine and I will soon be taking Omega 3 Algae as I've heard Omega 3 can also improve dopamine and serotonin levels and I'm hoping that's true for me. I buy my supplements from British Supplements - I'm not sure if they ship abroad or just within the UK but they're good and don't put any fillers or anything in the products.
Please don't feel guilty around not breastfeeding for long. You were able to do it for a short time - you should be so proud of yourself. You were unwell and couldn't help the outcome. Your little one is healthy and happy and that's amazing and credit to both you and your Husband.
hi, it’s ok to feel how u feel. Breastfeeding is lovely but so is having a back up as bottle feeding when moms need tlc. Did you realise you gave him the colostrum. It’s the best part of the milk.
I know how u feel I still feel like pp has ruined my dreams of breastfeeding. However if I admit I wasn’t even eating well enough to be able to breastfeed effectively. I have a 5 year old that I had pp with, same issue as your post. He is most definitely still attached to me and is as strong as an ox.
Please accept the fact that lo is bottle fed. Congratulate yourself for doing the best you could’ve at the time. Rest assured that baby will be growing well. Take care
Hi Strawberryyogurt thanks for posting, and being honest about how you are feeling. I had PP last August and had to stop breastfeeding at about 10 weeks PP. I was in a psych ward for 8 days, and could only feed adhoc when my husband visited with my daughter. We were luckily already combination feeding, so she took to the bottle easily. However, I was feeding 6-8 times a day, so pretty much the rate of exclusive breastfeeding until PP struck and I lost the routine with all the confusion of what was happening to me.
I combination fed my 1st daughter until 6 months, pretty much 50/50 eventually. So I was really proud I was able to do more with my 2nd daughter, and I found it easier to adjust to it 2nd time. I was quite upset and angry when I realised my breastfeeding journey had to come to an abrupt stop shortly after the onset of PP. I had considered re lactating at the MBU with the nurses help, but realised I really only had the energy to focus on healing myself, and being on Olanzapine made me too tired. The nurses there helped bottle feeding my daughter at night too. In hindsight, it was the best decision and fed is best, especially in situations like PP.
The lack of care in the psych ward to acknowledge that I was a new mum was terrible. They should have encouraged me to pump and they even forgot basic things like the fact I would need pads for the return of my period!! I’m sure the staff didn’t even know I was postpartum. Luckily I didn’t have any painful swelling of my breasts as I had established a steady flow by then. I felt sad to have to leave it behind as it was part of the bond. However, I reluctantly realised it was the best thing to do for me and my baby to recover, and get back home quickly.
I also had the low mood you mention and that is very common after the initial recovery from PP. I just focused on things that I enjoyed doing before PP and tools I had to keep myself balanced, and in a good place mentally, physically and spiritually. Things like exercise, dance, yoga, cooking, walks in nature, kids activities, time with family and friends.
Also, have you tried doing more skin to skin? Babies are never too old for that and it is another form of bonding. Especially lovely if they have a little nap on you! Mine only do it when they are ill, but it is lovely and comforting for me and them. Just cuddling your little one is bonding, and enjoying the closeness while bottle feeding. There are other ways to bond. I hope you are able to feel better about it and not feel guilty.
We mothers put too much pressure on ourselves to provide but forget that raising children is not our sole responsibility. It is great other people can help you look after and feed your child, and you have to use all the tools at your disposal. Xx
Thank you for sharing. I do try and do skin to skin but he often ends up getting frustrated. I am going to try doing more cuddles but I'm not sure how to make skin to skin work for us.
Maybe try skin to skin while reading books, watching telly and at nap times? Doing it with a distraction might help. It is unfortunate that so many of us had to end our breastfeeding journey because of PP, but you just have to take the positives from the situation now, and find gratitude. You have to allow yourself to also feel the anger and frustration, talk about it and this allows you to process it all. I look back on it now without those same feeling, and I’m sure you will too given more time 🙏
My heart breaks for you. I was in this same situation a bit over a year ago. Breastfeeding was so important to me and I hadn't even managed to establish breastfeeding before PP hit and I was all over the place. It took me so long to accept it just couldn't be...
I also felt that being his mum didn't mean much if I wasn't breastfeeding- what I was doing could be done by anybody else, so what made me different? With time you realise the love you have for your baby as their mum is definitely unique and especial. You are giving him that and that matters more.
If you think from the perspective of a baby; which baby will have a better outcome: one that is breastfed but emotionally neglected, or one that is formula-fed but loved? That tells you your love is more important. Yes, you wanted to do both, and that already makes you a good mum; you wanted to give it your all. But you have to understand that you did; you went through "hell", you've had something terrible happen to you, yet you recovered, yet you loved your child.
Believe me, as your baby grows, interacts with you, eats solids, this grieving will ease. Now that mine is old enough to give me beautiful kisses unprompted, I know I am their mum, that they love me a ton, and that I did my best, and still do everyday.
Thank you so much for your replies, I have read them multiple times. It is so sad that so many of us have gone through the same thing and I wish that breastfeeding was more supported in the process of caring for the PP. A friend said something useful to me yesterday - in an obstetric emergency you aren't prioritising breastfeeding, if the woman is really ill or unwell you don't try and latch the baby, you focus on getting the woman better. And I can see that PP is an emergency. I am just so sad and angry that it has happened to me and to all of us and I am struggling to find any good or meaning in it, I am just feeling bereft. It is really helpful to hear from people further along in their journey and that it feels less raw in time.
It's very normal to feel grief over how things went with your birth and having a new baby and breastfeeding. Everything we see and read before the birth focuses on making it go idealistically well, and then if something doesn't happen that way we blame ourselves and feel disappointed, angry, and all those things you're feeling now. PP is an awful, awful thing to happen to a woman, honestly I think one of the worst things someone can experience. I'm a two time cancer survivor and I can honestly say that PP was far worse. You're perfectly justified in feeling sad and angry over losing what you thought would be a happy experience.
I liked what your friend said about the priority being the health of the mother and the resolution of the emergency. That's very true and that's actually the focus of any medical emergency - the medical staff do what they have to do to get you stable again.
I'm 22 years out now from PP. My older daughter had her own son a few years ago, and after the birth she was only able to nurse just a few days before her mood began crashing, she was struggling terribly to keep it going, and it just wasn't working. I saw her shortly after that time and when I looked into her eyes I saw the dark place I knew only too well. She didn't ever become psychotic but the possibility was there. She was encouraged to go ahead and bottle feed and that's what she did; after that things improved. I was sad for her, because nursing my children was the best part about having an infant for me. However, I came to see that bottle feeding was actually a good choice. She was a better mother once those hormonal issues resolved and the stress of trying to get the baby to nurse was gone. Other people could help with those night feedings and she got more sleep. I think lack of sleep was a major contributor to my own case of PP, because my second child slept poorly and nursed 60-90 minutes, so I got very little sleep. Also, my daughter said she felt happy that her son had gotten a few days of colostrum from her, and that made her feel better going forward. It sounds like your baby got maybe even more than that. If it makes you feel any better, my grandson is three now, and he's every bit as healthy and happy as any breastfed baby. In the long run, you not having all that stress and strain and loss of sleep is probably better for you. You'll be a better mother because of that and that's very important. When people are able to make BF work and do it easily, it's great, but when it's a source of great stress and difficulty, I think there's a good justification for using formula. Being a new mom is hard enough. Make it as easy on yourself as you can.
And just my opinion, even though doctors might say it is "safe" for you to nurse while taking those antipsychotic medications, I personally think your baby is probably better off without them. Those medications really stole MY good health, and infants are so sensitive while developing. I wouldn't nurse while taking them. I did take Prozac for a while during nursing, and my daughter does have some health issues as an adult. I often wonder if she would have been better off if I hadn't done that.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful reply, it's really helpful. I feel some bitterness towards the midwives, mbu staff and even my husband that breastfeeding wasn't supported and protected but I am trying to think everyone was doing the best they could in a really difficult situation. I agree about the antipsychotics medication and did feel worried about my baby getting any of that in his developing brain so maybe formula is the safest option.
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