may be irrational fear of relapse while home alone with my child

[EquineBeauty]

So I had my PP back in 2023. My daughter is now 14 months. Luckily I’ve stayed well this whole time and I’m off the antipsychotics now. (I have not been diagnosed BD but I’m still on a low dose mood stabilizer for now as we plan on having a second child next year. After the second child postpartum they plan on weening me off the antipsychotics again as well as the mood stabilizer.)

I feel like I have a really great team of doctors and a plan in case I start feeling “off” for some reason - not just in pregnancy/postpartum but even just in general throughout life. I got rid of all my night shifts at work and will only work daytime now so as to not mess with my sleep and mental health. If I lose sleep for any reason, I’ll take a sleep aid and if I’m ever going through an extremely stressful time in my life my psychiatrist agreed to put me on a low dose antipsychotic preventatively for a short amount of time. (And possibly a mood stabilizer during perimenopause just in case.) So I feel pretty good about this preventative plan.

But sometimes out of nowhere…(especially during very happy times when we are snuggling together) I’ll be sitting there with my daughter and have this brief wave of fear over me - like oh my God, what if I’m alone with her and something happens to my brain unexpectedly - is she safe with me?? My psychiatrist basically said this is very unlikely as usually there are some signs before you have psychosis - it doesn’t just happen out of the blue in seconds… but I don’t know.. sometimes I still get scared. May be because not much time has passed, only a little over a year. Does anyone else have these feelings? For the most part I’m doing really well, but sometimes the fear creeps up. I love my little baby so much I want to protect her at all costs. But how can you protect someone from yourself when you are not yourself?

How do you guys manage these feelings that creep up sometimes? For the first couple of years after the birth of your children - did you stay home along with them overnight? My husband has to go away for a work trip for a few days and I’m thinking of calling my mom (out of town) to come stay with me just in case. How long did it take you all to have confidence to stay with your children alone for a few days? Do you have a plan in place like if you’re alone (no family around) you can go to a neighbors’ or call emergency services if you feel something coming on? This might be too much or paranoid… but unfortunately I still get these waves of emotions sometimes. How did you ladies deal with this?

[WonderWomanUK]

Hi EquineBeauty , great news you're off antipsychotics and all the best for trying for a second baby, we’ve decided not to have any more, it’s so lovely to hear people do go onto have more!

I also suffered with PP in 2023 and my little girl is now 15 months. I think your anxiety towards becoming unwell when looking after your daughter is pretty normal but it sounds like you’ve got a fantastic support professionally and family and friends. If your mental health team had any worries they would let you know.

I am slowly weening off of lithium and I’ve told those closest to me to look out for signs to nip anything in the bud if possible. For me personally, I sent 100s of voice notes when I’m unwell and I’ve not sent one since (bit of a trigger for me) but I know if my family receive one they’ll be with me/get me help straight away. Have you got something similar?

I’m sure if your husband was worried he would try and not go to the work trip or get some support in. It’s great you’ve got your Mum to support and stay if you need it.

The fact you’re worrying about this shows how much you care, share with your mental heath team your concerns, they can put your mind at ease.

You’re an amazing Mum and if you have any concerns get in touch with someone.

[EquineBeauty in reply to WonderWomanUK]

Thank you Wonderwoman 🙏🏻

I def. feel very supported by my husband but unfortunately we don’t have family that lives nearby. The closest is my mum and she is 2.5 hours away drive. She will come stay with me to ease my anxiety when my husband is out of town. So I didn’t send any voicemails or text messages or anything like that when I became unwell but leading up to it - I didn’t sleep for 5 days and I definitely had severe mood instability. So I guess there was plenty of warning.

I think you’re right though - I’ll continue speaking with my psychiatrists so they can put me more at ease. They’re not worried right now as I’ve remained well, but as you know this anxiety does pop up once in awhile. Unfortunately I still remember the whole incident like it was yesterday. I know I’ll never forget it but I hope with time the severity of the bad memories will lessen.

Congratulations on having a girl! Ours are almost the same age 😊They’re so lovely aren’t they? I’d love 2 kids but if we only end up with 1 I’m happy to have a girl 🙂

Happy weekend to you and yours! Stay well and happy almost Valentines Day 🩷

[Rachel_at_APP Partner APP in reply to EquineBeauty]

Hi EquineBeauty,

It’s a brave question you’ve asked and shows just how much you care about your lovely family. I think that when we’ve been poorly, as we have, the fear of relapse is often there as we know how awful being unwell is. I think that fear is a natural response so I wouldn’t use the word irrational.

I suppose the thing to think about is, would you say these thoughts are disruptive to you or stop you doing things that you would like together. Do they impact on you - and you feel like you’re not able to truly be relaxed and happy.

I think when we feel that balance shift it’s really important to talk with a doctor as actually having thoughts isn’t necessarily unusual or different - it’s more the impact they have on your lives that is to be mindful of. The advice is to seek help from a mental health professional if intrusive thoughts are disruptive to your daily life, especially if they interfere with your ability to work or enjoy activities. It sounds like you’ve already been speaking openly about this with your family and professionals which is really good.

The charity Mind has some useful information on intrusive thoughts, which I don’t know if this has been described as to you. They are very common to many people, I suppose the complicating bit is your harrowing experience of being poorly that you remember so well sadly. In time those feelings of being poorly won’t disappear altogether, but I hope like me, you’ll find your mind squishing them as there’ll be so much many more joyful and fun things bring your little ones Mummy.

Really glad to hear you’re others feeling so much better. Your little one is a gorgeous age, and those snuggles must feel just lovely. Take care,

Rachel x

Mind link: mind.org.uk/information-sup...

[EquineBeauty in reply to Rachel_at_APP]

Hi Rachel! Thanks so much for your reply.

I wouldn’t say these fears/thoughts prevent me from experiencing joy and my life and happy times together. I think because I healed and remained well and regained my normal mental state - I’m just afraid to lose it again. I’ve never been so unwell before (like many of us) so of course that experience “shakes” you. I do meet with my psychiatrist every 6 weeks and my therapist every month - to get all this off my chest. I will probably continue to see them for the rest of my life (perhaps less frequently) but I would always want to be connected to trusted mental health professionals from this point on. I was just reaching out to find out how long on average it took women to gain their full confidence back and like you said - be able to “squish” those thoughts and bad memories to the back burner.

I will look at the website, thank you!

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi EquineBeauty,

Thank you for sharing these thoughts and worries you have, I am absolutely 100% sure you are not the only one and I think it is so helpful to voice these fears and check them for what they are. I think sharing the thoughts and getting them ‘out of your head’ can really help take their power away.

To me, the fact you have this worry just says how much you love your daughter. It’s completely normal to have these wobbles and anxieties of becoming unwell again and it’s almost like after everything you’ve gone through your brain is responding to the anxiety by showing you your worst fear but actually it’s a reflection of the love you feel for her and the extent of your need to protect her. (Hopefully you can see what I’m trying to say!)

Do keep talking to those around you and try to trust that if you started displaying any worrying behaviour you and your loved ones would pick up on it. You have put a lot of safety netting in place and sound very self aware. It’s natural to want and need lots of reassurance, PP knocks everything we held to be true and solid. Keep talking and writing here whenever it helps.

Take good care,

Jenny x

[EquineBeauty in reply to Jenny_at_APP]

Hi Jenny! Thank you so much for your reply. I agree that this anxiety feels like wobbling, I’ll go a whole week or two without any worries at all and then all of a sudden I’ll just think about the worst case scenario … or what could’ve happened or what if something can happen in the future… I push the thought out of my mind immediately but unfortunately it still happens sometimes. May be only time can heal that.

I am fortunate to have a great support system from my husband and family as well as professionals. I will trust them and also learn to trust myself and self awareness. At the earliest sign of feeling even a little bit “off” I will reach out to the professionals. Of course for me (as well as for all of us I would guess) - maintaining sound mental health at all costs is the best and safest way to be for myself and my child.

Thank you again for your reassurance and message.

[Survivedwithcolor]

I think if you have your mother/parents available to you that you should definitely have her come while your husband is away. My husband traveled for his work and actually started back to traveling just a few weeks after my baby was born. I did get FMLA to stay home with the baby but he did not. So a few weeks after the birth, I was home alone with a four year old and a newborn. This was when psychosis began to develop. He continued to travel for his job and those times were very rough for me. I guess just the extra work of having to do it all myself and the insecurity of being alone were just too much. I don't know how single mums do it. I don't think I would have survived.

However, you are much farther out and have recovered from PP to the point that you are off your meds. I suspect that the fears you feel are just anxiety about the situation. From what I understand, if you actually were in danger of hurting or endangering your child, it wouldn't scare you. It starts to make sense to you. Sometimes there is a religious idea people get, that they are actually saving their children from going to hell, or something like that. This is why it's important that you're keeping in touch with other people, talking to a therapist regularly, and they are helping you monitor those thoughts. They will know if it moves beyond anxiety into something dangerous. Like you said, it doesn't happen overnight. One of the really dangerous things that happened to me is that I became extremely withdrawn and stopped telling people what I was thinking, so no one actually knew how bad it was. I knew it was bad and I just didn't want to tell anyone. That's the kind of thing that tells you everything is going sideways. But this time you'll have better knowledge of it and hopefully can talk to someone before anything bad happens - and hopefully it won't happen at all. Do some self talk - "I'm just anxious. I'm ok. Everything is fine." Deep breathing. Relaxation activities. Exercise. And have your mom come to help when your husband is gone. I wish I had had that, but I didn't.

[EquineBeauty in reply to Survivedwithcolor]

Hi Surgivewithcolor! Good to hear from you again. Thank you so much for your kind and reassuring message. I def. do some positive self talk after I have those anxious thoughts: “I’m ok. I’m safe. There are medications that can help just in case. My family and I are aware.” I will try to do that more often as a mantra when these negative thoughts creep up instead of going down the rabbit hole.

I think you’re right - to keep anxiety at bay I will just have my mom come and stay with me anytime my husband is out of town (which luckily isn’t often) … perhaps as years pass and hopefully I remain well I’ll feel confident to stay with my child alone - especially as she gets older. (May be when she is 7 or older, I feel like they have a little self sufficiency at that age.) There is no need to push through faster through the healing process especially if help is being offered.

I agree with you - I don’t know how single moms do it. In our case we literally might not have survived. It sounds like you were thrust into a very stressful situation with 2 kids at home and your husband gone for work trips. I can’t imagine being home along with children and have psychosis coming on. That is very frightening. I wouldn’t want to be alone after that for years. Happy to hear that you have recovered, raised two children and have regained yourself over and over again even with many challenges along the way.

After my PP - you’re right - the thought of hurting someone wasn’t scary, it actually made sense, it was the only thing that made sense. In my case I didn’t want to hurt my daughter but I didn’t want to live any longer and the only thought/goal I had - I no longer wanted to be miserable so I knew I had to “end” it…I didn’t know how, I just “knew” it eventually had to be done… what was scary about it looking back is that it wasn’t scary, it just - was. What an awful wicked disease… turns women into zombies (best way I can describe it, as we are not ourselves.)

I do hope, as for many other women, these memories recede and eventually become just memories and not constant fears. And for those that have continued to struggle with mental health - that there are better medicines and therapies out there to help manage the condition, to take some control back of our lives.

I would like to end on a positive note - we baptized my daughter today. It was a beautiful ceremony, we had several relatives fly in from across the country. She is the only grand baby of my MIL as she only had one son - my husband… and we are not young (both in our early 40’s) so there was a long wait for my daughter 😊 we feel blessed to have her and to receive so much love from our aging parents. & relatives. They may not get to see her enter college but they will see her grow up.

[Fowler01]

Hi I would definitely take the help of your mum if it’s available. I can totally relate to this, I can be going on fine with life and then all of a sudden out of the blue the fear of falling ill again or something bad happening just hits me. I had PP in early 2023. I worried a lot initially that I would fall ill again and I definitely think about it less now. It’s still there and if i am worried I try and assess how I’m really feeling and just take some time out have a seat and a cup of tea. Or go outside, distract myself in some way. I don’t know if it will ever fully go but just wanted to let you know you’re doing amazing and you are certainly not alone.

[EquineBeauty in reply to Fowler01]

Yea I think I will rely on family for a little while for sure. My mom doesn’t mind so I will rely on her help as long as she is able.

I’m looking forward to the day that all of this can just recede into my long-term memory and I can file it away like a horrible nightmare. But for now… like you said … sometimes the “fear wave” just hits you. Thank you for sharing your experience with this also. Yea I usually try to distract myself as well and have to talk to myself reminding that I have a good plan in case something happens. But hopefully nothing will.

Take good care of yourself as well!