I’m still really struggling with feeling detached from myself and like I can’t get in touch with my personality or trust my own mind anymore and it’s really putting a strain on my relationship (well all my relationships to be honest ie friends, family, colleagues etc) but I’m especially “missing” my partner so much.
I miss him in the sense that I’m not me anymore and I can’t get in touch with my feelings so it’s like there’s a wall between us. I know I should talk to him about it but I just don’t understand enough about what’s happening to me. How do u talk about something u don’t understand? He isn’t really one for talking about feelings either, but as the weeks go on I feel like we’re drifting further and further apart. We’ve been together 11 years but I don’t know how we will survive my complete change in personality. It’s so hard.
I’m now under a community psychiatric nurse and she’s trying to get me therapy as fast as she can. I also have a meds review in a week or 2, but I just feel so hopeless. I’m now 17 months post partum and it just doesn’t feel like it’s going to end any time soon I miss “me” so much and feel so alone.
thank you for reading this, I just don’t know who else to talk to and u ladies are always such a great support.
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Loopy86
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Gosh that sounds tricky. I can relate to those feelings as I had the same. I’m better now and have been for years. And you will be too.
Basically just say what’s on your mind to your partner - say how much you appreciate his support and be open about your mental state - take antidepressants if you need to.
Say you are looking forward to going on romantic dates again when you are well and on holiday as a family. Plan things you enjoy together.
You will get better. It takes time and medication but you will get there. Stay strong and imagine yourself responding to a similar post when you are well again. Determine to help others using your experience. You can do this!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, thank you for sharing your vulnerability on here.
I can totally relate to those feelings of not knowing myself or trusting my own mind anymore. And to feeling the strain in relationships and to feeling alone. All of these are unfortunately very common feelings after PP.
PP is such a complex illness, it’s really hard to determine whether it’s the medication, depression or the trauma of PP. Wrapped up in all that is becoming a new mum, when many women struggle with their sense of identity changing. It’s such a unique experience, that I think only those affected by PP can understand.
I would definitely recommend accessing APP’s peer support service if you haven’t already. Hopefully this might at least make you feel less alone, as we all understand what you’ve been through. There are different options for peer support depending on what suits you.
I also had therapy and this was a massive help for me, so hopefully this will really help you too, however I know sometimes the waiting lists can be long, so peer support might help in the meantime, just being able to talk to someone about your feelings.
my son's birthday today. He is a teenager now. It has been a long road to recovery, but the healing process is something I do not regret. I've been learning so much about myself.
My partner and I met in January in 2009, lots of snow and we went on a whirl wind adventure with lots of travelling, even down under 5 months after we've met. I got pregnant in November. I was an academic then in Research and Pedagogy. I was wild and rebellious and fearless and my mind was on overdrive since a teenager absorbing knowledge like a sponge.
My partner got to know me like that and fallen in love with that person, but when I gave birth and became so very ill, it was like waking up to a new women. He cared for me full time and looked after our baby when I was released from a psychiatric unit.
Today we are still together and we love each other dearly, but working through all our lived experiences has been tough...a journey of recovery as much for him as for myself.
some hints and tips:
- The other members mentioned COMMUNICATION, it is vital and comes in many forms. Sometimes we need some help in order to let our voice be heard, to be able to say no, but also to speak up and making choices on your own. Both, my partner and I had a variety of therapy sessions throughout the years as we both struggled with PTS....everybody is affected when a loved one is suffering...health professional advise for opportunities within your community is important.
- Healing takes time, establishing a moral campus is vital, especially when you feel poorly, but also remembering how to manage triggers without harming your relationship. Learning how to implement coping strategies are important and of course wanting to be together and knowing even if the shit (excuse my French) is piping up that you are both there for each other...for some counselling is the answer, and to be open that you want to be helped...
- I have to say that I continuously studied and learnt therapeutic modalities and my partner never shied away to ask for therapy himself via occupational health. Relationships are not simple and we all go through roller coaster scenarios. My partner and I had several consultations with professor Ian Jones/Cardiff University so that we could work through our struggles and be in acceptance that there will be always turbulences with bipolar/diagnosed 8 yrs after PPP.
All I can say be kind to yourself, accepting that life is going to change no matter what and that your lived experiences will open up new opportunities. I was a lecturer and busy 24/7, now I am an artist, practice Reiki and enjoy daily Meditation, gardening and just be with my big and little man. Allowing yourself to become you through self reflection and getting better in small stepping stones. You will gain confidence and certainly become more resilient. Wishing you well from the bottom of my heart.
thank you everyone. Your responses are really comforting and helpful.
I know deep down I need to communicate with him before we become even more distanced, but I just keep feeling that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here anymore. I feel like everyone is ‘stuck’ with me. I just want to go away forever. I feel so alone but am so grateful to have this forum.
Remember you are needed and loved ❤️ your family needs you more than ever . You going away will break their hearts. I feel your pain feeling alone but trust me you are not alone .
On the other hand , have you tried practicing positive affirmations ; I find they are really helpful non uplifting mental health.
Please take care , and always reach out for support.
Hi Loopy86, I want to reiterate Ramlah's message, you are loved here and you matter here. And you are the most important person for your family. It is OK to feel worried about opening up to your husband. One way to start could be, I am not sure how to talk about the way I am feeling. Let him ask you questions and perhaps that could guide the conversation forwards. I don't know if you have considered the option of family therapy? It can be very useful, if that is a service offered by your team.
Take it very slowly Loopy86, this is temporary and do believe us when we say you will come back to yourself.
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. You've had some lovely replies above and I'm glad it helps to write here - we're all here for you.
Communicating can be so difficult. I know when I'm not feeling great I tend to get a bit trapped in my own head and thoughts and would struggle to explain it out loud if someone asked me to. It's very clear from what you write how you feel though - I wondered if you've tried writing to your partner?
Are you also keeping in touch with your healthcare team and sharing how you're feeling with them (again, writing things down as already suggested may be helpful)?
If you'd be interested in 1:1 peer support, do get in touch (I can share further information by DM if helpful) - app-network.org/get-help/pe...
Do lean on all the support available to you, you can get through this.
I completely understand those feelings, that is exactly how I felt too. But those were just thoughts and feelings, they weren’t facts. Sadly our thoughts can lie to us and make us feel things that simply aren’t true.
You are more loved than you realise and they need you. This is such a hard part of recovery but you will get better, it can just take a really long time, and none of it is your fault.
I found that when I opened up to how I was feeling to my husband he took it much better than I expected and it felt like a relief to share it with him.
You’re not alone, we are all routing for you. You will get through this.
you’re all so incredibly kind. It really does bring such comfort to read all of your replies. I will try and write a letter to him and that might give me the courage to speak to him, if not I can give him the letter to read and then that might lead to a conversation. Thank u all for letting me lean on u xxx
I’m so pleased to hear this, I really hope it helps you to process your own feelings and open up the conversation. Do be gentle with yourself, bringing up the feelings can be absolutely exhausting so try not to give yourself too much else to do and make space for resting if you can.
As others have said, you’re doing absolutely amazing and we’re all here rooting for you. The forum is always here if you feel like you need support through the process, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
hey Loopy86 I just wanted to pop on here and wish you well. You are so strong - getting through each day is a triumph in itself. Thank you so much for being so open here, I’m sure you will help many others feel less alone in their own struggles. My son is 10 almost 11 now but I have memories of him being around 18 months old and how tough those days could me. Childcare was demanding, finding the energy to keep up with him as he was more mobile and adventurous, and then trying to find some energy for my marriage too. Tbh the marriage took a back seat, I was just so tired. But please be reassured your partner loves you, admires you, and is rooting for you. You will get through this, you really will, and you and your relationship will be all the stronger.
Just wondering how you are and whether you had a meds review. It’s good that you have a community nurse and I hope she can access therapy for you asap.
Recovery from PP is very up and down. I well remember feeling helpless and hopeless at times. It might be the medication keeping you stable, as it was for me, so I hope the meds review was/will be helpful.
I’m sorry you feel you are drifting apart from your partner. Did you manage to write the letter to him so that he could have a better idea of how you are struggling and need support? Perhaps you might have a ‘date’ together, with your toddler cared for by family or friends, just for an hour or so during the day or early evening? It might give you both chance to tell it like it is and feel closer to move forward.
Always remember it’s not your fault and how amazing you are to have come through such an awful time. With good medical care and support you will eventually shine again. For now be kind and compassionate to yourself and take very good care. We are here for you. x
Sorry to read of how tough things are. I just wanted to pop on to say hi and send some hope. My wife experienced PP and a long period of depression afterwards. She certainly expressed very similar feelings as you have described. Its taken time but she's finally feeling more and more herself, I would say therapy has played a big part in that, as well as a couple of medication changes a long the way.
As a partner I must tell you how important it is to share your feelings with your husband, although I don't underestimate how hard that is. As you said about a letter that's a great idea and something my wife wrote for me several times through our journey. It helps to understand what is happening and support as best he can. There is support for him through APP too if it would be beneficial.
Hang on in there, you'll be back soon, an even stronger version of your old self with lots of happy times ahead of you.
Hello Loopy86 I wanted to tell you that what your feeling is so normal. Your sense of self disappears when you have just been through PPP. Time does make it better. I used to feel really embarrassed and felt that people withdrawing from me after having PPP was really painful as it felt like I was someone that was weird and unlovable. Some of those relationships where never repaired again. But that is okay because some people aren't meant to be in all the chapters in our life. However just like you I needed to work on myself. I think therapy will do you wonders. It will be a place where you can find out who you are and hopefully come to terms with all that happened during PPP. You are a strong woman and mother. I think being really transparent with your husband will be the next step you need to take. Also please remember having PPP and recovering from it makes you a very strong woman. Sending you big hugs 🤗
Gosh it sounds confusing and lonely right now. I remember feeling utterly detached and spaced out. I was really in my own head and felt like I was in a bubble like the old divers helmets.
You will get through this. The first step is to show your partner the text you just shared with us. Do it, you’re brave.
life is for living - seize it with both hands and don’t give up on getting back to You. It might take a while but you’ll get there. I managed, so can you.
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I miss “me” so much and feel so alone.
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