Hi, I thought I'd share my story.
I'm a single mum, My son was born on the 13th of march 2011. It was a straight forward delivery, apart from having to end up having a forceps delivery.
The first week we spent in hospital as my son developed a infection and had to have IV antibiotics. The following 2 weeks went relatvily well apart from my lb suffering with colic.
I then began to get very low in mood and couldn't get to sleep. My anxiety grew and I would get paranoid about my son being unwell, he would scream from dawn to dusk, I took him to gps and a and e departments, where they would tell me everything with fine, its just colic.
By the forth week my health visitor did the edinburgh depression scale on me, and told me I had pnd. She didn't suggest seeing my gp or anything.
I took myself to the gp and they prescribed my anti deprssants.
By week 5 is was going out of my mind, I was paranoid about everything, I wouldn't let my son out of my sight even when I mother (who I was living with) offered to watch him for a hour while I had a nap.
On may the 6th, I started getting thoughts of harming myself and my son, I took myself to the gp and begged her to take my son away as I couldn't cope!. All she did was call the social services on me and sent me on my way. That evening I completly broke down, I was crying uncontrollably, my anxiety levels were at max, so bad to the point I gave myself a migraine. My mother called the out of hours doc out at 11pm, the doc gave me a shot of morphine for the pain.
In the morning, my mum made lots of phone calls and managed to get the crisis team to come and visit me. When they visited they decided to admit me to a mother and baby unit. Once in the unit, they uped my dose of meds and gave me sleeping tablets. Still I didn't sleep.
After about a week in the unit, I started getting audiable and visual haluncinations, these would be of my sons father who had been mentally abusive in our relationship. They would tell me to hatm myself and harm my baby. I shut myself away in my bedroom and refused to be near my son for fear of what I might do. I started to self harm and attempted to hang myself on a couple of occasions. I couldn't shut of the voices, they seemed so real. The hospital changed my meds and put me on anti psychotics. I started to make some improvements and they took me of level 3 obs (this is when a nurse is with u 24/7). I started to look after my baby but stuggled, all I could see was his father in him and I kept thinking he was the devil. Then one night I managed to escape the unit and the police found me on my way to the train tracks, I was determind to end my life.
After 12 weeks in the unit, I did gradually did get better, but in the end the decision by myself and social services that my son would be taken into care so that I could concentrate on getting myself better. I was then transfered to a adult mental health unit. I stayed there for a week then they discharged me into the care of my mother. Over time with a few twecks of the medication I was nearly back to my old self. But then in october, the voices returned and I took a overdose. I was readmitted to the ward. They again changed my meds and after 2 weeks I was discharged. By this time I had been offered a house from the housing association, so I focused myself on setting up my home for me and my son.
I saw my son for 2 hrs a day 3 days a week supervised in our own home. Gradually our bond grew and I no longer saw his father in him, I saw him as his own individual person.
Since october, I have manged to get my house together and the contact I have with my son has increased lots and I see him unsupervised. I miss my son every second that I'm away from him. And it breaks my heart everytime he leaves to go back to his foster family.
Now after the support of my friend, family, mental health team I have managed to beat the ppp. I still take medication and will for a long time. And my son should be coming home in the next week! I'm so happy!.
I look back at the last year and feel bad that my son has missed out on prisous time with his mummy, aslo I feel awful about the thoughts I had towards him. I have missed out on a lot of his milestones etc.
I telling my story so that other mums will know they are not alone, and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I have come out of it a more strong confident woman. And I'm happy to talk to anyone who wants to talk to someone about ppp or pnd.