I’m up early and haven’t slept last night and just need someone to share and rant with please. I only am allowed to collect a few days meds at a time and yesterday was so hectic and stressful that I forgot to ask my husband to collect them so I didn’t have my usual 200mg Quetiapine at bedtime, which would at least have knocked me out.
I’m so sad and anxious, I feel shaky and like I’m going to be sick. I haven’t felt like this in a while and I felt like it yesterday before I missed my quetiapine.
It’s because my youngest child, the one I didn’t even have PP with is now having very similar mental health issues as the eldest son (who I had PP with 16yrs ago). The youngest has always been my ‘happy go lucky’ one that I thought had escaped the worst effects of my mental illness, but it appears not and now I am heartbroken, so worried and so ashamed, though I know I’ve tried my best.
The youngest got referred to CAMHS yesterday by the doctor. I had a mostly fantastic time with him as a baby n toddler. However my ongoing mental health issues, which have been lots worse lately (recent inpatient for psychosis, Borderline and cPTSD and recent life ending attempts) have definitely affected him. Talk of life not worth living, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, sleep walking etc. However CAMHS rang and said they don’t think he needs them at this time and to access private/charity counselling. I think it needs taking more seriously given mine and his brothers issues.
CAMHS said a couple years ago that my eldests issues were largely due to me, and him growing up around me. That was always my fear, and then it was confirmed. CAMHS urged me to get more help for my mental health which I did but it opened a Pandora’s box, I spiralled and well, here I am.
I feel such a negative influence on my children, that I’m ultimately a bad person as I was born bad, that they’d be much better off without me, that I wish earlier suicide attempts had been successful. Even when I try to get better for their sake I end up getting worse and making them worse. I want the pattern of bad mental health that has been passed down through my family’s generations to stop with me. I thought I was getting there.
Sorry for a long one. I’ve just had 16yrs of feeling rubbish about my parenting, was just at starting to feel a bit better about it as the eldest has improved a lot, and now this. I’m seeing my key worker today and will ask her to remind me who the kids social worker is as they might be able to help. They were supposed to go see the kids in school to talk to them about my situation but they’ve not as yet.
Sammy x
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SammySeal
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I’m so sorry to read this post, of the struggles your youngest is going through, and the impact it’s having on you.
Above anything else, I want to say you are such a wonderful mum. It’s so clear that you are doing your absolute best, every day, and fighting to get the support you need in order to be well for your children. I can totally understand how you must be feeling, but please know that as mums we can only do our best with what is within our control and then try to help equip our children to manage the challenges they in turn will inevitably face, whatever those challenges may be.
I’m so sorry you were told that your eldest’s issues were largely due to you, I want to give you the biggest hug and have some stern words with whoever said that. You are not a bad person and were not born bad, you’ve had bad things happen to you and that’s not the same thing at all. You are wonderful, warm, kind and good. A bad person wouldn’t be feeling the way you’re feeling, and looking for every way they can to help their children.
I think you are right to talk to your key worker today and follow up about your youngest. It’s really good to hear things have been improving a lot with your eldest and I hope that can help you see that although there may be a difficult period of time ahead to navigate, it will be ok and your children will be ok – it’s just important you all have the support that you need.
Make sure you also get yourself back on track with your meds and sleep – things always feel a million times worse when tired, anxious and feeling low and fragile.
Keeping talking to us and sharing how you’re feeling with those supporting you.
I definitely don’t think you are a rubbish mum, you are trying to get help for your son and that is the act of a caring and compassionate mum, which is all we can hope to be for our kids x
Hello SammySeal, I am so sorry that you received that unhelpful comment from a mental health professional. I so disagree with it. It comes from a place of lack of empathy and sympathy.
Needing more support for our mental health is not a sentence or is it the fault of anyone. Sometimes is our lot in life and it can be such a rich and value adding life not despite of mental illness, but because of it in so many cases. You do so much for your family and for other mums who suffered from pp as a volunteer. What a difference you make in the world by turning your experience into a refuge for others! Your children's life can be equally rich not only from the point of view of helping others, but also in learning to help themselves and asking for help. Self awareness does make us happier, that's my realisation since having pp.
I found the following charity that helps children of parents with a mental health diagnosis. I myself have a bipolar diagnosis and have thought of contacting them when my daughter is a bit older and can understand things more clearly.
Thank you guys. I saw my keyworker who is always great, she reminded me that any decent parent would feel worried and probably blame themselves a bit if their child was struggling, let alone a parent who has had a tough year and is still going through a lot. It’s natural to worry but the main thing is we’re getting him help. She recommended a good play therapist.
By the time I saw her I was quite manic, shaking, sweating, nearly vomiting, she looked up the withdrawal symptoms of quetiapine and that was me! I can’t take it til tonight, but she said to dose up on Valium, to eat something, and that has brought me off the ceiling and I’ve had a doze, feeling much brighter despite the withdrawal symptoms still with me.
I also got a blood test done while I was there for some of my other side effect symptoms (sore boobs, excessive weight gain, sweat that smells of pee - oh the joys of medication!) and she said the specialist personality disorder team are making the right noises about my referral, so fingers crossed.
Thanks for being here for me. X
Just wanted to add that I noticed my windows are incredibly clean - apparently I cleaned them at 4am! So there’s a silver lining 😂
I'm really glad to hear you had a good chat with your key worker and she was able to reassure you - absolutely it's natural to worry but it's great you're helping to get him the support he needs.
It's good you're having some more tests and that your referral sounds to be in the works. And a bonus that you have clean windows - it's always good to see the positives!!
I hope you can get some decent rest tonight and things start to feel more settled again soon.
Gosh I’m so sorry to hear how unwell you’ve been and that your children have been struggling too. I so know that feeling of immense guilt of feeling like a bad parent when I was unwell too. My daughter 3 at the time was struggling with anxiety after my psychosis episode 4 years ago. She didn’t want to be around just me much and I don’t blame her. It didn’t last long and she is a happy child and we have a great relationship. But I still kick my self everyday for things I did when I was unwell. It’s not your fault though as you can’t help being unwell and there’s also the genetic factor as well as why your kids are having mental health troubles. Some things are out of our control, you’re not a bad parent and it sounds like you’re doing a lot to be there for your kids xx
I just wanted to write to you too - you've received so many great and reassuring replies. You are definitely an amazing, wonderful mum - loving, thinking and worrying about your children, how best to get support for them, getting support for yourself so you can be there for them. I know you have recently been through such a tough time, and fought so hard to get better.
How did you sleep last night? I hope you managed to with your Quetiapine. I find lack of sleep has such a massive impact in how I am in the next day, so I hope you were able to sleep, and feel a bit better today. I feel sick, shaky, and quite unwell too after not sleeping well, and that's without the withdrawl effects of your medication.
I'm so glad you had a helpful meeting with your keyworker, she sounds great, and hopefully reassured you. I hope you will get the support from the specialist personality disorder team too.
Thinking of you, keep writing here whenever is helpful, I'm so glad you reached out to us.
Oh gosh you guys are so kind. It was lovely to wake up to your messages. I slept like a log, yay!
Moral of the story is never miss doses of your prescription meds, it’s scary how quickly things can turn physically and mentally dodgy with withdrawal.
Just feel a bit dizzy n headachey today, lots of aches and pains from dashing around like a cheetah the last couple of days. My instinct is to crack on with all the work I have missed the last couple of days, but I will try to pace myself. I’m thankful that I work from home for myself so I can work around these blips.
Keep well everyone and don’t forget to pick up and take your meds! Xx
Hi Sammy just a few thoughts from my experience. At a particular time during every early morning I've heard that our emotions/hormones creat a negative fearful feeling which makes us worry about our life and fear the worst, so beware that in mind. Also, my wife has the same distress that our son has been ruined by her illness. I just say that the illness was not her fault. She has given him her whole life force, and he loves her despite our difficulties. One thing he asks now he's older is that his mum takes responsibility for staying well, which is hard, but they talk often. They eventually have their own life to lead also. All the best.
I used to experience this same thing with my antipsychotic drugs. It’s withdrawal, plan and simple. I actually went to the doctor the first time thinking I was about to die. They didn’t even know what it was. I had to figure it out later. A doctor once said to me, take two or three pills out of your prescription and set them aside. Keep them for emergencies only. Then if this happens you’ve got a backup pill or two to get you through.
My older daughter had severe mental issues as a teen. One of her counselors out and out blamed me for her condition. Told me to my face it was my fault and told her that too. That was very damaging to both of us. Whether or not it was true, that was a cruel thing to do. A statement like that helps no one except to make the person saying it feel superior. They, evidently, haven’t any idea whatsoever what we are going through. We have been sick, just like I was sick with cancer and cancer treatment. During those times we are unable to be our most present selves. We feel physically ill and tired from side effects. When you have cancer, everyone forgives that. When you have mental illness, everyone blames you. It’s a very cruel reality.
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. I’ve been there too. If it helps, we did all eventually work through this and are in a much better place now. My daughter is in her 20s and doing great. She is a wonderful person. Stand up to that clinician who is bullying you. Those kinds of comments are not helpful to anyone and you should tell them that.
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Relapse of PP yet not had a baby second time 
