I am 7 weeks pregnant after our loss last year so I’m navigating pregnancy after loss (PAL) as well depression that was extremely severe last fall then started to lift to severe after putting the kids in school, that lifted to moderate when I got on Latuda, and now it’s staying at moderate and not budging. While I am obviously thankful to not be suicidal….. I desperately want my old self back and my old life back. I want my personality and ability to laugh back. I want to be able to have a clear mind and be able to function without it feeling like I’m moving through mud every step of the way. I related to you Motherofbears in your post and it inspired me to come to you all for help. And I need help. It is so hard for me to see my progress right now when I’m so fatigued and nauseous from the pregnancy and psychologically taxed from navigating PAL. And the kids just got out of school for the summer so I’m with them 24/7 and I love them of course but I’m so overwhelmed and overstimulated and worried about being able to provide an enriching summer for them. It’s all so much. Sometimes I just want to give up and admit myself back in psych and let them do with me what they will. I think what I really want…..is for someone to take me seriously of how badly I’m struggling and I know they would do that at the hospital. But I don’t even know what they could do for me there since I’m on my medications and I’m pregnant so there’s not a lot of changes we can make right now. I just need a break, some silence, some peace, and much much more support than I’m getting. Please help.
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AinslW
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I am so sorry 😞 about previous loss I can only imagine how hard it must have been .
Congratulations on the new pregnancy, try and take each day as it comes . Listen to your body ,rest when you are able to .
I’m terms of the mind and medication allow the meds to take some time to kick in . If you still feel as though your personality isn’t back perhaps try speaking to your consultant or psychiatrist.
I am sorry you are struggling, maybe when the children are in bed or having a nap you could listen to music through your headphones or start a new series on tv just something to distract your mind . I find that really helps me .
I have two children and I am also dreading the summer holidays . Remember keep activities simple try not to over do it with the outings as this could make you feel more fatigue. Not not sure if you have the app Pinterest , it’s pretty handy for home activities for children .
I hope I was able to support and help in some of way
Congratulations on your pregnancy, this must be an exciting but also poignant time for you, I cannot begin to imagine how it is to be processing pregnancy after loss when you also are recovering from your recent episode of depression last fall. I am sorry you are going through this lot.
Do take it a day at a time, never worry about not giving your children their summer of fun, they will be plenty buzzing when they receive the news of their new brother or sister, so please do not worry on that score.
Have you discussed your thoughts around hospitalisation with your partner? If you are feeling you will be closely monitored there and you will be safer, it could be something to consider. Remember you matter and your mental and physical health are ever so important.
Do let us know how you are getting on and do take care of yourself, we are here for anything you need.
It's good to hear from you again, thank you for reaching out and congratulations on your pregnancy ❤️
Such a lot for you to navigate and deal with after everything you've been through and when still coping with depression. I think you're incredible and you really have come a long way but I understand if it's difficult to see that right now.
Try not to put pressure on yourself for the summer - I know you have such a long break over in the US. Holidays can be so tough but you really don't have to try and think of things to fill every day, try to keep it simple as Ramlah says, and take each day as it comes. Do you have much support available to you? If you can break things up and get some rest wherever possible, do take any opportunities to do that.
Do try and speak to your partner and your doctors about how much you're struggling. If it's hard to talk about it, you could perhaps try writing things down, or show them what you've written here? There may be things they can do to help with your mood if the medication doesn't feel to be helping as much, or additional support that can be offered. As Maria says, talking about your thoughts on going into hospital might be a helpful step to open those conversations up and consider the options.
Keep writing and sharing how you're feeling. I hope there is good support where you are. Take good care.
Hello AinsIW, Congratulations on your pregnancy. Gosh, things sound tough for you at the moment. I hope someone can give you a bit of respite from your children and that you can get some professional medical help.
You sound like you have some insight and you are a good communicator, so I hope there is someone you can talk to.
Thank you so much for your courage in writing to us here and reaching out. I'm so sorry to hear that the depression is quite bad at the moment, and I hear how overwhelmed you feel.
I can very much identify with that feeling of 'please just take me back to hospital' when I suffered from severe depression after both my episodes of PP. For me, it definitely reflected my sense of overwhelm, not feeling like a 'good enough' mum, and just being so fatigued.
There are a couple of things I thought about when reading your message, as well as just wanting to give you the biggest virtual hug and telling you "you will get through this!!"
- Would your ObGyn be able to help you access more mental health support during your pregnancy? You are so right that there's a lot to cope with as you go through PAL, and all the worries of having have suffered PP/postnatal mental illness before.
- Have you linked with the PSI coordinator in your area for any support in the USA? Here's the link to find out what's available locally to you, both from peer volunteers and links to local professional services postpartum.net/get-help/loc...
- You wrote some really powerful words about needing silence and peace... I wondered if there are small ways in everyday life that you can tend to this need. Maybe after the kids are in bed or if they can go to a summer kids activity a few days? I sometimes lie down for an hour or so after difficult days with noise cancelling headphones and either gentle music or white noise/silence. I also sometimes just get in the car and drive to somewhere beautiful for that sense of space.
We're all here for you - this can be a tough journey of motherhood and we can wrap around you with the encouragement and understanding you need.
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