PND 14months on

[BabyO]

I write this while watching my little boy on the monitor with tears in my eyes for actually writing down my feelings for the first time.

I'm not sure if I've got PND but it's the only explanation I can come up with for how I feel and I found this website whilst looking for help online. I dont really know where to start so I'm sorry for the rambling.

I had my little miracle boy through IVF with a donor and he compleyes me, I feel like I was put on this earth to be his mum.

I has him through c section and on the way to the ward afterwards with my mum they informed us that my bay visiting hrs were over so she had to leave immediately. I cried into my baby while my mum left in tears and I felt so alone.

I hadn't had chance to ask my mum for advice on what to do in the first 24hrs with feeding ect and I was left to it really on the ward. It sounds so stupid to type it now but I thought my baby needed to be kept wrapped up and his hat on like he was on the recovery ward and it didn't even cross my mind to check with the nurses and its always in the back of my head like what if I'd made him too hot ect.

Also I just fed him (bottle fed)whenever he woke up, approx every 2hrs and it took him months and months to get to going 4hrs between feeds whereas all of my family told me their children were feeding every hrs 4from the first night in the hospital and i feel like if id have had even half hr on the ward with my mum I could have discussed all of these things with her and not just second guessed myself all the time. I dont know why I didn't ask for help I think I was just in a bubble and I just keep thinking could I have given him a better start.

for months and months my little boy hated being in the pram/carseat and much preferred to be on me/in the carrier and I think its because I didnt put him in the pram because I was in alot of pain so he sat with me alot on the sofa or he was having cuddles with famuly/friends and I keep thinking why didn't I just walk him around the house in the pram or just have him next to me in the pram. Also because I couldn't drive he only went in the carseat after 2weeks and it was only once a week to go to the supermarket and I wish I'd put him in it more to have prevented all the crying in it further down the line.

with feeding I used aptamil/aldi version because that's what everyone said to use and it was easily accessible but my little boy suffered with wind alot and I eventually moved to hipp organic and the difference was instant and I keep thinking if only I had started on that my little boy wouldn't have gone through all that discomfort in the first few weeks.

I am still so emotional and cry so easily , especially when i think of all these things that i could have have done better.i hate leaving my little boy to the point that I've changed my job so I only have to leave him(with my mum)2 days a week but the anxiety it gives me leaving him is crippling and I have to fight back tears everytime, even if he's going for a quick walk to he shop. I don't ever want to be away from him to the point where I don't enjoy things that I used to unless he is with me and I haven't spoken to anyone that feels the same, most people say they can't wait for some time away which makes me think that I have PND.

I struggle to sleep when he's in his cot because I feel like I just need to watch him and still check that he's breathing.

I dont know what I hope to achieve from this but I think even just writing it down might help me. I dont know whether anyone else feels like this or if I'm just losing it but anyway thanks for listening.

I dont feel like I can talk to anyone else and I feel like family think I'm doing fine.

[BabyO]

I'm really sorry I thought I was in a support group for PND.

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi BabyO,

No need to apologize. How are you feeling today? This forum is for women who have experienced postpartum psychosis, but many of us had pnd after pp so we can empathise.

Sounds like you are going through a lot of second guessing and anxiety fears at the moment. After I became ill with my first baby my confidence as a mum was very low and the guilt I felt for having been separated from her for a period of time was crippling, to the point I could not make simple decisions during the day. You are most definitely not alone in this and it sounds like it is interferring a lot with your day to day life. It will be a good idea to contact your GP and discuss the anxious thoughts you are having at the moment, the lack of rest because you are constantly watching him sleep, the difficulties and panic you feel when you leave him with your mum and the ruminations you have about things you feel you could have done differently (I want to emphasize here, this is just your opinion and it is not a fact, your baby has done really really well this 14 months you have been his mummy and you have acted as a great mum, not all babies feed with the same frequency and there are some formulas that suit them better than others and there is no way to know that beforehand, because all babies, all of them are different and there is no other way but trial and error).

I have recently read a book called Good Mums have Scary Thoughts which is a very good guide and goes a long way to debunk the myths surrounding motherhood and the "right way to do things". It might be helpful to read how much more common than you think are these thoughts that you are having.

Please do reach out for help and don't suffer in silence, things can most definitely get better. Wishing you all the best, take good care

[Bulb]

Hi BabyO you sound like a really caring mum too me. I think that many of the things you are saying people don't speak about. I used to check my granddaughters breathing too. My daughter found it hard leaving our granddaughter with us initially when she was small and It takes time to get used to new changes in life. You care and you worry those are good qualities in a mum. Try talking to your mum if you can sometimes mums realise more than you think.

[Rachel_at_APP Partner APP]

Good morning Babyo, Firstly congratulations on your little one, its amazing and scary how quickly it goes isn't it, and before we know it we're back facing work and juggling being a Mummy too. Having children is wonderful, but also hugely emotional in loads of ways. There is no need to apologise for posting here, you've been so brave to share how you're really feeling. I'm really sorry to hear how you've been struggling. It sounds awful for you.

This forum is for women and their families who have experienced Postpartum Psychosis, however many of the women also have experience of depression, anxiety and other things following their experience of Postpartum Psychosis (PP) - so what you've described will resonate with many women I'm sure.

I know that after I had PP, and the worst of my symptoms had been treated, I faced a huge challenge to overcome anxiety and depression. In some ways, the depression part was worse so I really do understand, if that is what you're experiencing, just how awful it is. None of it was what I expected motherhood to be like, so I was somewhat blindsided by the whole thing. The tragedy is that still not many speak really honestly about how they're feeling - so sometimes it can feel extremely isolating and lonely- thinking that everyone has it "together" and its all "good" in their lives. The truth is, everyone struggles sometimes.

I wonder if you've thought about visiting the doctors at all? If you think you might be struggling with depression, that would be a really good place to start to try and talk through how you're feeling. I wonder if you'd feel able to do that? Maybe with the support of your Mum or partner if you're able to talk with them about how you're feeling too? I think its really good your Mum is with you to support with child care, don't forget that you're her baby too - and she is hopefully good at listening and you feel you could speak to her too?

Finally, I don't know if you've heard of the charity PANDAS? They offer support to women postnatally. They have a free PANDAS Helpline available from 11am-10pm every day. There's a dedicated volunteer team on hand to offer support and advice, and can help to direct you to other organisations, if necessary. They are a great charity, so please do think about whether phoning them might help. They say on their website they are there for women if you’re struggling with helplessness, low mood, anxiety or have any concerns about your health during or beyond your pregnancy. Website: pandasfoundation.org.uk/

Take care of yourself. Rachel x

[BabyO in reply to Rachel_at_APP]

Thank you so much for your very kind and helpful response x

[Pikorua Volunteer in reply to Rachel_at_APP]

Very thoughtful and beautifully written, Rachel. It is so important that we talk about the way we feel. x

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Hello BabyO,

I am pleased you found initial support via this forum. On this forum women have suffered with PPP, but often struggle with other mental health conditions, already before or after giving birth.

You received some lovely responses and some good links. It is so difficult when going through a rough time and not knowing to whom to talk to. I was so pleased when I found this forum even 5 yrs later after my acute illness.

Wishing you well and inner strengths, well done for contacting us.

Take good care,

x

[BabyO in reply to Pikorua]

Thank you x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello BabyO

I hope writing here has been helpful and the links have helped you to connect for support. I think you will find your family will want to help if you can be open about how you are feeling. I remember feeling the same, that I didn’t want to worry anyone but as soon as I opened up to professionals and family, I felt supported.

I had PP many years ago followed by severe depression so I understand how difficult it must be for you. I always questioned whether I was good enough, which of course we are but can’t see that through the haze of depression at the time. Have you now been diagnosed with PND since you posted?

I think you should be very proud that you have returned to work as it’s not easy coping with the effects of an illness and routine. When my sons were tiny I always seemed to have one eye open while they slept peacefully ... so precious aren’t they? That said, you must also remember to relax after a busy day and sleep. You might find the podcasts “All about sleep” on the BBC’s “Headroom” site relaxing at bbc.co.uk/headroom as well as other things.

Thinking of you .... take care and thanks for writing.