Terrifying episode of PPP.

[Sashtom]

I'm new here, I'm from NW3 area and wondered if there was any other ladies near by that has been through Postpartum Psychosis. I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy 3 months ago and since then a week later after his birth, I've been in a MBU in Hackney for five weeks as I was in the mania stage and feeling really sociable and on top of the world and high basically to crashing and going into the depressive stage. I got to the point where I couldn't look after my baby anymore, I was so low and sucidal and wanted to give up that the consultant at the MBU recommended I to go into a gendered ward that day and for my husband to look after our child. I checked into the Priory and have been there for the last 5 weeks and just came out last Wednesday. I'm so happy to be out and living at home again, we have a maternity nurse to look after our soon for 2-3 days every week which is a godsend! my husband looks after him the rest of the time. I'm starting to do little things with him, playing with him, changing his nappy, some feeding, just basically showing my little man that I'm his mummy. I felt tramautised by the MBU as they were very heavy handed and forceful with me when I was so ill and was desperate to get out by the time I was able to leave, I was crying there every day. I have never experienced anything so hard and painful like this. I talk to friends but they don't quite understand what I mean. I do at times feel broken, does one truly recover from this? I went out today for the second time by myself and got my toes done which was lovely! I have also got a bit of a baby belly which am hating at the moment as it's quite prominent, does this postpartum baby belly go? Apologies, I'm rambling! think it's because I'm quite excited at finding a forum that I can go and talk about myself. I'm 38 years old and I'm so happy to have my first baby and possibly my only baby as I read there is a higher risk of PPP so wouldn't want to risk my health again and be away from my son as I can't not do another MBU again. The Priory was pivotal in helping me get well again and I'm grateful.

[Hollysrw]

Hi Sashtom

Just wanted you to know that you will get better & feel well again. I'm nearly 18 months down the line from pp after the birth of my twins, & things do get better. Xxx

[Sashtom in reply to Hollysrw]

Hi Hollysrw,

Wow, I'm in total admiration! twins and PP and you came back! Well done as I can imagine that would have been the hardest thing to go through. Congratulations on your twins and your health and thank you for contacting me, you give me hope! xxx

[Jocelyn_at_APP Partner APP]

Hi Sashtom,

You have done so well to get through all you have. You will recover, all the ladies on the forum are proof of that.

It's great you are now enjoying spending time with your son. Boys are great - not that I'm biased!

We are here to support you. I know this forum was a godsend for me after my episode of PP.

Take care of yourself and take it slowly .

Xx

[Sashtom in reply to Jocelyn_at_APP]

Hi Jossykate,

Thanks so much for your well wishes, I'll recover, time heals. Boys are great! haha my baby is gorgeous and a really smiley baby. I'm grateful.

It's nice to feel supported as I got 9 messages through, it's a nice feeling.

xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Shastom

Welcome to the forum and congratulations on the birth of your baby boy Thank you for sharing your experience ...... as you say this is a good place to talk about yourself and how you feel. I was also relieved when I found the forum and felt understood and supported for the first time in a long time following my PP episodes years ago.

Some mums on the forum are recovering but many, like myself, have recovered. It probably doesn't feel like it at the moment but you will fully recover eventually. I don't know whether you have already seen the APP Insider Guide"Recovery after Postpartum Psychosis" at app-network.org/what-is-pp/... which might be helpful to read when you have time. There is also a guide for partners.

As you say, recovery can be hard and painful at times but with good medical care and support you will feel better in time. You have done really well to go out and treat yourself today.

Take good care of yourself ..... we are all here to listen and support you

[Sashtom in reply to Lilybeth]

Thanks Lilybeth! Hope all’s with you.

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to Sashtom]

Thanks Sashtom All's well with me ..... I hope you are feeling a bit stronger with the good support you have around you and able to enjoy more time with your bundle of joy.

You are doing really well so early in your recovery. It's good to hear that Ellie is facilitating a meet up with other mums. I remember feeling apprehensive when I went to my first APP meeting but everyone was so welcoming and I was in such good company! For now, take good care of yourself ..... we are always here to listen and chat. xx

[SHaron154abbie]

Hello congratulations on u baby son I had postpartum psychosis in 2015 on my first baby I was your age it does get better for u it took me here to decide to stop taken medication for it u be fine make sure u take all the help u can have we here if u need a chat anytime

[Sashtom in reply to SHaron154abbie]

Thanks so much! I hope you are having a beautiful day! Xx

[SHaron154abbie in reply to Sashtom]

If u need chat I always on Facebook lol

[Kicarue]

Hi hi,

I just came out of recovery from ppp (well I’m still recovering) and if you’d like to have a phone chat or meetup, I’m here.

I’m in West London, but maybe we can meet in the middle. I think it’s importsnt to talk about our experience and it can be so lonely when others don’t understand. Let me know and well done on your recovery!

[Sashtom in reply to Kicarue]

Hi,

Thanks for your message, yes would be lovely to meet up and chat, at the moment I'm only going out with my husband to places as I'm a bit slow and sedated with the medication I'm on but would love to Skype and eventually meet.

It's so helpful having a friend who understands PP and depression as I had that for a while too.

Sasha

[Hidden]

Hello Sashtom,

congratulations on your baby boy and welcome to the forum.

Mums on this APP website are survivors of a very traumatising illness and amazing. Stories are unique, but your experience will resonate with many mums who suffered PPP.

You have had some great responses, and so pleased that you discovered this forum. It has helped me, too. I was struggling on my own and since finding other mums who have had PPP my feeling of sense of belonging and being understood has helped me tremendously in my recovery.

Peer support is important, - so is communicating about the way you feel.

Look after yourself,

x

[Sashtom in reply to Hidden]

Thanks a lots xx

[Helen_84 Volunteer]

Hi Sashtom,

I am so glad you have found the forum - I found being able to talk to mums who has experienced PP really helpful in my recovery.

It sounds like you have been through an incredibly tough and scary time, but you are doing so well so soon after your episode. It’s really good that you have support from your husband and maternity nurse too.

I suffered with PP in July 2015, I can remember being where you are and wondering if I would ever get better - Broken is a good way to describe it! But the answer is yes, you WILL recover from this. I know it can seem never-ending when you are in the midst of it, but that is the illness. 3 years on I am definitely recovered. It has affected who I am, as all massive experiences do - but I don’t see this as a negative and I have a much better understanding and appreciation for my mental health.

Well done for getting out and doing something to treat yourself! We all need that and it’s so difficult with a newborn. Your body has been through so much in the past year and I can remember not being comfortable with my postpartum body too - it’s such a huge change in a relatively short period, but yes the baby belly does go (although I do have a bit of a cake belly now!) Some of the medication can make you put on weight - I found this added to my low self esteem, but when I weaned off it, ate well and exercised things got better.

Look after yourself and keep us updated on your recovery xxx

[Kat_at_APP Volunteer]

Hello Sashtom - I’m so glad you’ve found the forum here, a big welcome to you!

I have a little boy who is now almost finished his reception year at school! 5 and a half years ago we were at the Bethlem MBU in south London and it has been a long journey, but one that I am also grateful for (in a roundabout sense!) as being so unwell and then recovering has enriched my life in many unexpected ways!

I’ve shared my story at various times, to help raise awareness and improve services. My family and I had never heard of PP when it struck me so acutely, a day after James’ birth. I think a huge part of the trauma was just not knowing what was happening to me, and (for my poor husband!) thinking that I will be that way forever.

Anyway, it’s fantastic to hear you are recovering so well with such good support around you. Please keep in touch and if you ever get to the point of wanting to meet others who’ve gone through this then I’m sure APP can help facilitate this (I’m based in central London myself, in SE11, and now work very flexible as a freelance Mental Health first aid instructor)

Take care

Kat xx

[Sashtom in reply to Kat_at_APP]

Thanks KAtG for your message! Ellie from APP is going to be facilitating a meet up so hopefully you will come along! Did you decide to have the one child or more? Boys are so cute, my baby is so smiley and funny! X

[Kat_at_APP Volunteer in reply to Sashtom]

I will definitely try to make the next meet up! I was supposed to go to the first one, but couldn’t make it in the end. It’s brilliant to be around others who just “get it”.

We have been trying for a second baby, for about 4.5 years now. Our son was naturally conceived after about a year of trying, but turns out he was a bit of a miracle baby! I have very poor ovarian reserve, so standard IVF isn’t possible. I’ve also posted about possible mental health stigma in the adoption process... an absolute minefield! I’m incredibly grateful for our son, and our family life, so I’m not sure how far we will go in our quest for a sibling for him! Having PP (and a very physically traumatic birth with him) certainly puts my fertility problems into perspective!

Apologies if I’m oversharing

Love Kat x

[Hidden]

Hi Sashtom ,

I am glad to hear your starting to feel a little better it takes time and you will have your ups and downs and dark days but things do get better in the end .

I too had terrible memories of being in the psychiatric unit and flash backs of when I was poorly again in time these went away .

I live just outside London so if there are more Mums in this area perhaps we could do a meet up , finding the forum helped me so much as like you I felt no one understood me as they had not suffered pp and to speak to someone who had through the 1 to 1 support made a huge difference to getting better . Your by no means alone and please don’t ever feel like you are .

Much love xxx

[Sashtom in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your message. Ellie at APP is going to to be facilitating a meet up in London if you fancy coming along.

[Hidden in reply to Sashtom]

Hi Sashtom , yes I would love to as long as I am off work that would be great , hope your doing okay x

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

I just wanted to write on this thread to say we have had a small social meet up in London a few weeks ago, and will have another one, hopefully soon, so if anyone is interested in meeting up do contact me either by writing on this thread, or sending me a private message!

Ellie

[Hollysrw in reply to Ellie_at_APP]

Hi Ellie,

I'd be interested in meeting up in London. Thanks x

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Thanks holly and 9indy9 I’ll get in touch with both of you, so great you’re interested too! Great motivation to organise another date soon!

Ellie