Its a year after my pp and the guilt and anxiety leaves me exhausted still.

[Jadaggg]

Hi im new to this, i had pp in may 2017, it was 2 weeks after the birth of my little boy, i cant remember much of it only what i have been told, but i tried to breastfeed and the hospital was negligent on many levels including not realising my son was tounge tied and sendif me home 6 hours after birth as the postman ward was “full”. I had 5 hours sleep in one week, and even though i said countless times there was something wrong with my son i was made to feel stupid, until we found out he was quite poorly after nearly starving for 2 weeks to add to that i also had a womb infection because my son decided he would do a number 2 on the way out and they stictched over it without cleaning first, i was in a mother and baby unit for 3 and a half months, everything has changed since then. My partner is not the loveable fun person he once was, i feel ashamed as i look at him and think ive been capable of ruining a human being so bad, i cant say anything to him about how im feeling or he just gets mad, some of my friends don’t understand and treat me like an outcast and i sit at home with my son whilst my partner goes out with our friends and i dont get invited anymore. I feel like a burden on everyone. The only thing keeping me alive right now is my Gorgeous son. Ive tried to put a lot of effort into my relationship, ive bought nice lingerie, i do everything round the house i make sure he has a meal and a nice bath when he gets in, i feel so guilty that im constantly running around trying to make him happy and i feel that in itself is pushing him away, i cant help but feel rejected and heartbroken but i have no one to blame but myself, i have ptsd, and i have also suffered at the hands of sexual/domestic/mental abuse from ex’s, and when i had pp i said some awful thingsabout my partner that wernt true but my psychiatrist said my pp was messing with my ptsd and mixing up memories and people, i feel like he will never forgive me and he brings it up all the time and i dont know what to do because im just head over heels for the man and I honestly cant forgive myself for hurring him and no one will ever hate me for it more than myself,when will i feel normal again? When will i feel less insecure? Will i ever be myself again? When will my heart stop feeling like its made of glass and so fragile? Will i ever be happy or is this it forever? Because I cannot live with myself anymore, so i have no idea how i must make amyone else feel.

[mikefff]

Hi. I think YOU are the one that needs support. Tell partner to learn about ppp and psychosos. You were very ill. Not your fault.

[6221]

Don't blame yourself its not your fault. My husband was unable to understand as well. You need constant reassurance that they understand. Even though they don't. The problem is moving on leaving the past behind you. It is hard to get your confidence and self esteem back. The thing is no one can understand what you have gone through and it is so hard to explain. Because we do not understand it ourselves so how can we expect someone else too.

Please don't live in the past. Move on the past has happened there is nothing you can do to change it. How you live in the future is up to you. Put yourself first not your husband. Leave the guilt with the guilty person.

Get all the help you can try mind matters there wonderful.

I wish you all the luck in the world. I am sure you are a wonderful person. Just come back. Xxxx

[Jadaggg in reply to 6221]

Awww its not me living in the past its him, ive tried loads to get us back to “normal” spice things up, he has no sex drive for me whatsoever, and he gets drunk and gets angry and can be quite cruel, but I understand hes had an atrocious time and he wouldnt have if it wasnt for me thanks for such a kind comment its really lifted me up xxxxx

[HelenBL]

Hello Jadaggg

I’m so sorry to hear about all you are feeling, the whole situation sounds very very tough, but like others say, it is not your fault. It sounds like you are doing really well, just a year after what happened to you, to be doing all those things around the house & feeling so positive about your boy. Have you got anyone to talk to about how you are feeling? Is there anyone from the mental health team still in touch with you or could you perhaps see your GP to help with the after effects? I suffered PPP in 2015, in fact 3 years ago to this date. It was a year until I got therapy from a psychologist - EMDR therapy to deal with the PTSD I had. It was hard to have the therapy but I utterly recommend it, it made me feel SO much better about myself and slowly slowly the jigsaw pieces of my shattered life started to get better like my relationship and linking back with friends. Don’t give up, try get some formal support, you will feel better in time, take care & keep posting, Helen x

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Dear Jadagg

It sounds like you have had an awful time, and I'm so sorry to hear that things are difficult with your husband. It's great to see some lovely replies already.

I had PP over 6 years ago now, and it is a huge trauma, such a lot to go through, and very isolating too. I found it hard being around friends and other mum's too, particularly if they didn't understand, or want to talk about what had happened, and I didn't feel like I could be sociable.

I hope you are getting some professional support to deal with everything that has happened. Do you have access to any counselling or therapy?

Things sound really difficult and hard with your husband. I wondered if your husband has seen any of our resources for partners, particularly our partners guide? As others have said, perhaps he needs to know and understand more about postpartum psychosis? app-network.org/partners-2/

I hope you can get support from others around your relationship problems. Is there anyone you can talk to (professionals, or a family member or friend?) just so you can get some support.

It's lovely to hear you mention your son - I know it was my own beautiful boy that kept me going through the hardest times.

I did want to reassure you that within time you will become stronger, your confidence will grow, and you will be yourself again. I know it is hard to believe that when you're in the middle of it, but so many of us here have recovered, and I hope this will give you hope.

Take care, do write here whenever you need to

Ellie

[Hidden]

Hello Jadaggg,

you have had some supportive responses and I just can share the view point with the other forum members: It has not been your fault that you have suffered from PPP.

When I got so poorly in 2010 my partner did research and communicated with a lot of professionals in order to figure out what was wrong with me. Nobody wanted to listen!

Unfortunately he had to let go of me for 39 days as he could not cope anymore, meaning I was sectioned to a gender-mixed psychiatric hospital. I experienced negligence, isolation, physical abuse, initially a wrong diagnosis etc. I did not sleep for weeks...My partner was there daily and fought a fight, & trying to make sure my needs were met...I have had no gynecological support for quite a few weeks as members of staff just did not pay attention to my needs as a new mum...my partner was tumble-dried emotionally ….

My partner struggled with PTS, because of our traumatic experience together. He even had been my official full time carer in the first year-

You need time to heal and to be listen to and to be loved.

- every case is unique and I believe your support network needs to be established, whereby your husband has to be guided and supported, too, in order to figure out which path to take...I wonder whether it has sunk in how serious your illness has been.

I hope in the first instance you can talk to your GP, Care coordinator or other members within the mental health community team. It is important to talk about your feelings and I am so pleased that you found the forum. Compassion and understanding is so important for the recovery of your mental health. (charities such as MIND are great and you could ask your GP for possible relationship counselling, if necessary)

Like you I felt so terribly lonely and misunderstood-the odd one out, because of my fears and anxieties.

My partner received therapeutic help & counselling via GP and work. I continued with group therapy, courses, yoga and meditation.

… and here I am 8 years later, with my big and little man. I recovered from PPP...

Our loving relationship helped us to get through the end of a dark tunnel.

I hope this helps a bit and eases your emotional pain.

x

[Revans86 Volunteer]

Hey Jadaggg,

Firstly, here’s a virtual hug. What you’ve written really touched me as PP can have such an impact on the whole family. You are not alone in feeling as you do.

You’ve been through such a huge trauma, and clearly with relationship difficulties in the past with others it’s possibly not surprising that your PP has had an impact now moving forward. But that’s not to say it can’t be mended. You clearly have the will and want to change how things are. But I see you’re finding it hard to reach your partner right now. None of this is your fault. You have done nothing wrong. You were poorly, be kind to yourself!

Have you tried writing down your feelings. Sometimes it can be really hard to put into words in person exactly what you’re feeling. But having space to write, maybe a letter to him, could be helpful?

Tell him how you feel. Explain that you weren’t yourself, that your mind was addled, and that you need to support each other to get back on track together. He’ll be hurting too, so try and come together on that point.

Have you thought about counselling together maybe? Charities like Relate could be a thought? If not, maybe your GP might be able to suggest something.

You’ve been through so much, and I get how cruel life feels when you think you’re over the worst and then struck with the aftermath of recovery. Let alone how it all in turn impacts on having a family life.

Hang in there, we’re all here.

X

[Passionatebutterfly]

I can really relate to ur post. My husbanf is a loud italian man who doesnt understand my mental illness nor when i was in a year long psychosis. And now everytime i try snd talk to him about an episode i am having he chews my head off. It almost feels like domestic violence what he puts me thru or it least now emotional abuse. I lost all my friends because of pp and of my illness and addictions. I have been isolating since 2014 and i have no motivation or care to ever be normal and socially active again. Its always a big let down for me. I have given up meeting friends also cus after a few weeks we fight about something and it jsut another lost friend. And im 2 sec away from dropping all treatments in montgomery county pa. They have nevsr worked for me and i swear they keep me sick. So im thinking of stopping all my meds and never seeing a doctor ever again. Anyway, i hope things get better for u. U can message me anytime. It wuld be nice knowing someone who is going thru similar things as me.

[Clintbarrett]

Hi. As I was reading this, it made my stomach feel sick. It 100% is not your fault in any way. It seems that with a lot of bad pregnancies and 'errors' within the hospital afterwards is a big cause to ppp being brought on. That aside, your partner either needs to look into ppp properly and understand that what ever went on whist you were in that state is not personal to him in any way. When my partner had ppp I could not have been anymore supportive to her. I do all I can now also to help relieve stressfullness for her. When in the MBU I remember a woman saying who's partner always told her it was her fault when she had day releases etc... She found it easier to stay in the MBU and was there many months. Us men have to - excuse the expression - man up! I love my wife to be very much and would do anything to ease her stresses or worries. Your partner may be scared that the ppp will return. He may be scared that he couldn't look after you or your son. Maybe going to see a specialist councillor could help you both. Your clearly going through a tough time, if you have no one that truly understands then this forum will definitely help in some way. I wish you all the best and hope it all works out for you. Stay strong and confident because you overcame a very scary and hard time.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Jadagg

I hope you found the posts and links here helpful. I think guilt can be a burden but as other mums here have said, when we were struck with PP, we had no control over what we said or did. You have gone through so much to give your partner the gift of his son so you should be very proud and not feel a burden to everyone.

I think you need a lot of professional support around you as well as an understanding family, especially if you have ptsd. I hope things have improved for you since you posted. Please take care and seek the help you need, even if writing here helps you too.

Sending you a hug x