Getting Back to You

[ParisPierre]

Hey ladies, hope everybody is doing well… i’m on new meds but I’m still having trouble connecting back to myself and reality at my last episode a month and a half ago. Since then I’ve been angry and upset with myself that I can’t function right, I noticed that I’m experiencing a little range as well. My doctors have me on Zoloft and Zyprexa ….I just don’t know what to do anymore . Seems like I can’t get from under this cloud…I look in the mirror and don’t feel like me. I just want to be happy! I don’t understand why this is happening to me….

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi ParisPierre,

Thank you for posting. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling under a cloud and struggling to connect back with yourself - I know it can feel so frustrating when we just want to be better... Are your medications being kept under regular review? I know it can take some time to get the right balance, but even then I know with the medication I was on, the side effects eased with time but I always felt quite flat and detached - it was manageable and they made me better but it's not easy not feeling like yourself. I don't have experience of the medication you're taking but do share how you're feeling with your doctors so they can reassure you, or in case any adjustments are needed.

I can understand everything you're feeling, it's so much to go through and it's not fair, but do try and be kind to yourself. Do you have good support around you at home?

Sending you very warm wishes,

Jenny x

[ParisPierre in reply to Jenny_at_APP]

Yea I have good support at home. I’m not sure if my meds are under review. I just started them a week and a half ago….thank you ❤️

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to ParisPierre]

That’s good you have good support around you It can take a bit of time to adjust to new meds so hopefully it’ll settle but do check in with your doctor if you’re concerned about anything. Hopefully that cloud will start to lift soon ❤️ x

[ParisPierre in reply to Jenny_at_APP]

Thank you. Im just having trouble getting over delusions that my husband and kids were in…but yes i’m just waiting

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello ParisPierre

I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling even with new meds. Medication sometimes takes a while to have an effect, so perhaps you might find a difference soon? Do you think the symptoms might be side effects?

I think it would be a good idea to let your care team know how you are feeling. I think it’s early days in your recovery as PP is such a traumatic experience to come to terms with. It does take time to find your place again, to be able to move forward.

I wonder if you were able to connect with Postpartum Support International, mentioned by a mum in your earlier thread, who is also in the United States? She wrote that it has a wonderful support group for survivors and occurs on Mondays, 430 western time, adding that it helped her immensely.

It’s good that you have support at home. I hope your doctor will be able to listen and find a way to help you. Take care.

[ParisPierre in reply to Lilybeth]

Hey yes I will be joining group again. After my last episode Incompletely shut down and stopped the group support. I was even terrified to write because I thought someone was watching me. It was weird. But thank you

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to ParisPierre]

Hi ParisPierre

Thank you for taking time to reply.

It’s very hard to function at all when PP hits so it’s not surprising you completely shut down and stopped the support. If you feel comfortable, I think it might be a good idea to reconnect but just take your time.

Being on medication and trying to cope with routine can be very tiring so make sure to rest as much as you can. I’m sorry you have struggled with delusions which I also had. They were all very real and frightening at the time.

I’m not sure about postnatal care in the USA but I hope you are a priority as you have been through so much. Keep asking your care team for help when you need it and lean on your good support at home.

Perhaps you might find reassurance in the PP Guides at app-network.org/what-is-pp/... although you might have had this link before in your earlier post?

Take good care .... wrap yourself in the comfort blanket of home and take your time before you feel like moving forward. We are all here to listen.

[The_Wes_Anderson_Fan Volunteer]

Hello ParisPierre,I agree with everyone else that your medication should be regularly reviewed. Weekly would be good if that is possible.

You will definitely start to feel like your old self eventually but it does take time. I felt as you described with my psychotic medication but I did make a full recovery afterwards. Give yourself time.

Lots of Love x

[ParisPierre in reply to The_Wes_Anderson_Fan]

Thank you I’m just very impatient at the moment. Also the psychiatrist I’m seeing try to say if my symptoms don’t go away in a year but all the car is schizophrenic. She is not a post natal psychiatrist. I don’t know I just feel like giving up!

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi ParisPierre,

I felt very impatient too, just wanting to feel like me again. It is frustrating and can be hard starting new medication as it can take some time for things to settle and to find the right balance - you will get there. I do hope you’re having regular contact and support from the mental health team. Is there any possibility of finding a psychiatrist who specialises more in PP and postnatal, I don’t know how things work in the States?

It’s good you’re planning to join group support again, I think support from and with others who have been through a similar experience is so helpful.

You mentioned delusions involving your husband and kids, that must have been really hard. Are you accessing any kind of counselling or talking therapy? I know a lot of people have found that very helpful to help process things, though I don’t know how easy it is to access. I don’t have experience of it myself and always found writing helpful but I know it’s not for everyone.

Don’t give up, things will get better, just try and take things a day at a time and we’re all hear to listen whenever it helps.

Sending you a big hug.

Jenny x

[ParisPierre in reply to Jenny_at_APP]

Thank you. I want to try and find someone who specializes is postnatal but I figured it was too late since my daughter will be a year. I started having PP symptoms when my daughter was 6 months and didn’t start getting help until she was about 8 months because everyone was so booked or has no clue with what was going on. But thank you

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to ParisPierre]

Hi ParisPierre,

I hope you've been ok since you last posted and your change in meds has helped a bit. Do keep writing to us here if it helps.

Best wishes,

Jenny x

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Hello ParisPierre,

are you in the States or Canada? I read through your thread, just to absorb some info. A warm welcome! I believe I have not spoken to you before virtually, I mean

You have had some lovely response from Jenny and Lilybeth and I can resonate with all their lived experiences and yours.

Mine was in 2010, very intrusive, harsh and out of the blue. The sad thing is that in my area there was just not enough awareness, nor specialised health professionals. My experience in a Psychiatric Unit was horrendous and my wonderful partner and I suffered with PTSD as well.

Yes, I can relate to your struggles with regards to medication. I continuously suffered with ongoing mania as I did not receive the appropriate drugs for a long time. I was often put into isolation for days on end.

My brain shut down! Once on traditional meds and being looked after by my partner full time eventually I came back to light.

In my opinion you are walking a thoughtful path, because you are trying to communicate and you are open to group connection/therapy. After two years I have had group therapy. I did not sit together with the group, but by an open window and just watching for the first 6 weeks. I suffered such great anxiety being close to strangers, groups and within an enclosed environment. Eventually those group members helped me to go through a devastating and life changing event, where my dad tragically passed away after two months of suffering after a bike accident.

Enough of my lived experience, I guess we are all unique, but experienced unforeseen circumstances by this traumatising illness, we all suffered. To identify triggers and scaffold coping strategies are not easy. Below maybe some useful points:

- you can not set a timer on recovery, but tune into your body

- all in stepping stones

- the things you took for granted may have to be tackled in a different way, it is OK to ask for help and support, but also to accept and say NO when it does not agree with you anymore i.e. despite a lot of practice with a support worker I never managed to use public transport on my own and if, very rarely and only with loved once

- I believe mindfulness is a great way forward, slow down, be aware of your breathing and enjoy the momentum; my routine consists of daily meditation and it has created inner calm, even when there is a storm and waves are trying to tumble me over...which I continuously experience, because of bipolar

- I believe prioritising and reflecting on your purpose and needs can be a good way forward, journalising maybe extremely useful

- I do not pressurise myself with social media and be together with the people I want to be together with, it is not easy to manage external factors, but you can switch off buttons

- nature is a great healer, pets, pursuing a hobby etc.

Anyhow, wishing you well, stay safe and take care of yourself, too.

[ParisPierre in reply to Pikorua]

Thank you ❤️

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi ParisPierre

I have looked at the PSI site in the USA and they host free, live event sessions for moms every Wednesday (limited to the first 15 callers). So perhaps when you feel a bit better you might ring and ask a co-ordinator for help finding a psychiatrist specialising in Postpartum Psychosis?

Here in the UK new mums receive perinatal care until their child is one year and then ongoing community care if needed.

Don’t give up searching for help you need. Be kind to yourself and take care.

[ParisPierre in reply to Lilybeth]

Yes I’m working on finding a new psychiatrist. It’s just hard to find someone specializing in PPP. The lady I’m seeing is a psychiatrist and tried to tell me if my symptoms or thoughts don’t go away in a yeah she said she’ll label me a schizophrenia…I don’t agree with that so I’m trying to find someone new

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to ParisPierre]

Hello ParisPierre

Good to hear from you. I’m sorry your current psychiatrist does not have experience of PP. A year seems a long time without proper care and understanding so I hope you will find a specialist when you feel a bit better.

Thinking of you ... take care.

[Gigi2017]

Hi ParisPierre

This is what my daughter is telling me every day. It is heartbreaking. They are adjusting her meds but she constantly says she doesn't feel like herself and all she wants is her old self back and to be happy. I hope you have good support around you. Everyone keeps telling us the cloud will lift, it just takes time. My daughter is really struggling with the "time" and being patient request. She just wants this gone. My heart aches as a mom for all of you struggling. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with with my daughter. Stay strong!

[Rachel_at_APP Partner APP in reply to Gigi2017]

Hello Gigi2017,I’m so sorry that your daughter is struggling with PP. It must be very painful for you too watching on and trying to support her. I hope that the medication being adjusted starts to help soon.

When I was recovering from PP I sometimes found it extremely frustrating when people told me I needed time. I so desperately wanted to know how long it’d be until I felt like me again. But it was never that binary, it was never like one moment or day that I was “better”. So really, the focus on time thing had more of my energy than it should have.

When you’re in “it”, it’s hard / sometimes impossible to see and appreciate any progress you’re making. No matter how small. With hindsight I saw that it had been a gradual, day by day rebuilding of myself. Building of my new self, as a Mummy too. I really hope your daughter will feel hopeful about her future still, and doesn’t mourn the loss of how things were before for too long. Finding that hope for the future and holding onto it was so important to my recovery. Keep reassuring her of the good, remind her of the little achievements she’s making - honestly no matter how tiny they may seem. Reassurance is so important.

Sending my very best wishes to you and your family.

Rachel x

[ParisPierre in reply to Gigi2017]

Yes I’m staying strong. It’s just hard especially when you feel so lonely

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello ParisPierre,

I hope you've been doing ok since you last posted and have had some success in finding a psychiatrist with some knowledge of PP.

We're all here if it helps to write, do take care.

Best wishes,

Jenny x

[Astarlove]

I feel like that today. Will i ever feel like myself again? I am on respiradone. Img. Will i ever get back my connection with my son? Why does it take time to really get back after having episodes. I never was admitted but was treated at home. Had maniac and was paranoid and would believe things that arre not real. And would not be able to sleep was scared of dying. And would nit eat... It was abd and believed the medications caused it all. Um now back at work but still just dnt feel myself. What should i do and when will it end?

[Rachel_at_APP Partner APP in reply to Astarlove]

Hey Astarlove,

I’m sorry you’re not feeling like yourself today. We exchanged messages a few days ago, and I can really relate to how you’re feeling.

I was also on Risperidone too. It absolutely helped get me better. But I did also access peer support and counselling and my recovery took time - to come to terms with what happened and find a groove as a new Mum. In time, I did get better, and was able to be the mum I wanted to be and you can too.

Are you accessing any mental health support? I wonder if you could talk to your health professionals about how you’re feeling? They might be able to offer words of advice, additional support and/or alternative medication perhaps. My health visitor referred me to a baby massage course with my little boy. At the initial referral I was quite negative and scathing of it - questioning why they thought that would help!! BUT… it gave us a space, with other Mums who’d had similar experiences, to spend time with our babies. Space and time together, to grow our relationship.

We all think that the bond should be instant with our children. It’s really not always like that. I promise. You’ve been through such a scary time. Be kind to yourself. You’ll get there.

I know you said you’ve returned to work. Thats good. Are you finding your manager supportive? I hope they are helping you adjust to being back at work. Returning from maternity leave is quite a big thing for any Mum, but when you’ve been through what we have, sometimes it can take a bit longer to adjust. And that’s ok.

Thinking of you. Do write here if it helps Astarlove. You’re not alone in feeling like you are. Rachel x