Update

[Kats88]

So following my overdose I tried to leave intensive care, got about 3 miles away from the hospital when the police found me and dragged me back under a section 136.

I spent 15 hours in the 136 suite before being placed on a section 2 and taken back to the psych ward.

They took me off all my medications except for my aripiprazole depot injection, and I have suffered the most horrendous venlafaxine withdrawals resulting in needing diazepam to try and make the withdrawals easier to deal with.

I am now on no medication except aripiprazole, and I was discharged a week after being admitted as I played the game and just stayed as ok as possible, no self harm, no attempts to kill myself etc etc.

I’m home now and I’ve been manic for a few days, resulting in spending £40,000 on a new car (pic attached!) & hundreds of pounds on having my hair done, buying new clothes, well we’re talking approx £2000 in total. I haven’t slept for a week and I’ve been keeping a mood diary.

I’m possibly tipping over into psychosis again. I don’t feel like I am. But my care coordinator does. She’s got me in to see the psychiatrist on Monday but is concerned that I will get worse over the weekend. I’ve asked to withdraw from all mental health services as they pass on all information to children’s services and I feel like I have no privacy, so if they don’t know what’s going on with me they can’t pass anything over. I feel that my basic human right under article 8 of the European human rights convention which is a right to a private life is being breached.

As for court, well, I’m not really allowed to say much as they imposed a gagging order on me prevtenting me from publishing any details about my children, the court case, my ex husband or social services. But the basic result was that I have lost my children for the next 2 years and I can’t make an application to the courts for a contact order for 2 years. I’m also not allowed to go to the school or childminders or anywhere that my ex husband leaves my children, including my dads house.

My ex husband did not get a non molestation order though as he wanted.

Could things get any worse? I’ve lost my kids for the next 2 years, I’m not allowed to call or FaceTime them, and I’m living on my own, in a house I can’t afford, going through a horrendously messy divorce and facing homelessness and a brand new car I can’t afford. My dog has effectively been stolen, as my ex husband won’t give him back, and I don’t have a job or anything to do during the days.

Because im manic, I’m in an artificial state of euphoria meaning that right now none of this shit is bothering me. I feel like I can fly and that I can see into the future. I have a job interview on 18th July and I just hope I get it.

I also found out through the divorce paperwork that my mum has been PAYING my ex husband to have the children... £1200 per weekend. So my ex husband is effectively renting out my children to my abusive alcoholic mother and stepfather. I am disgusted. This makes me feel physically sick.

I’m soon going to crash and become depressed and suicidal again.

Without meds I am completely unstable. But I’m not allowed back on them until I am no longer an overdose risk. I was on lithium (worked wonders), arirpiprazole, venlafaxine, mirtazapine & amitriptyline. Now I’m just on aripiprazole. I am High as a kite right now but I know it’s just a matter of time before things get worse.

If I am becoming psychotic again, then I imagine I will Be put back in hospital on Monday, if not before. That will be my 7th admission in 2 years.

Hope you are all ok, sending love to you all xx

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi kats

It is good to hear from you.

You’re having to cope with so much, and coming off a lot of medication is very difficult as well.

It sounds like you have some support from your care coordinator, I hope you can get the support that you need so you can become more stable. I know it is hard but do try to be open with your team as to how you are.

We are thinking of you.

Ellie x

[Jas15 Volunteer in reply to Ellie_at_APP]

Hi Kat

Thank you for the update, I’ve been thinking about you and hoping you’re ok, as Ellie says you have an awful lot going on, it’s so important to keep talking to those around you who can

Support you and help you, we are here too .... take care.... there’s always a way through even the darkest times xx

[Chick44nzrn]

Hello Kats . You certainly have a lot on your plate right now . Sounds like you have a care coordinator you’re working with to get through current situations and it’s noticeable your strength, despite the battles, does shine through in your clear writing and descriptions of events past and current .

Along with others on this site my thoughts are with you and hope for improvement in

Your health and peace of mind with help from professionals you have confidence in .xx Denizt

[mikefff]

Get stable. Get housing via benefits if no job. You are a vulnerable person. You have a mission. The mission is to be with your kids. They are waiting, and they will wait as long as it takes. So be strong. Get stable. You need meds to stabilise. Then build up with kids. Letters. Then small visits. This period will pass quicker than you think. Ive been there. You will find an inner strength that will totally surprise you. Then you will become the new person you need to be.

[Kats88]

I can’t get housing benefit as I own my own home.

I’ve been offered a job but it all depends on my DBS certificate, and that’s likely to be negative and mean I won’t get the job. I don’t have a criminal record but my mental health comes up on it. So that will probably put people off.

I really need this job though, I need some normality again. I’m desperate to go back to work, it might help stabilise me. And it would give me something to do during the day.

I’m so ill from the withdrawal of venlafaxine, sickness, diarrhoea, electric shocks, unable to sleep, it’s slowly getting easier but I never thought it would be so hard to get off the tablets. I can’t wait to feel better without it, because I don’t think they were helping me anyway.

Today I’ve spent the day in bed trying to catch up on sleep and to some extent it’s worked. I got up at 3am, 4am, 8am, 10am, then slept from 11am-3pm and missed some of the football! Go England!

I’m trying to stay indoors this weekend and not make any reckless decisions or behaviours. If I can stay safe I can speak to my psychiatrist on Monday xx

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi kats

It’s really good to hear that you are managing to stay safe, I hope the psychiatrist appointment on Monday will be helpful.

You may know already but you may be able to get some support with your mortgage: gov.uk/support-for-mortgage...

Thinking of you,

Take care

Ellie

[Kats88]

Unfortunately not, as I have only just moved to ESA(IR), beforehand I was on ESA(C) so not a qualifying benefit. The mortgage is being transferred to my name only and interest only so hopefully that will sort things out.

To be honest I’m not planning on going to my appointment on Monday. I’m not planning on having anything more to do with my mental health team. They are causing me more harm than help.

Xx

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi kats

I hope that you can sort out your benefits.

I found it really important and helpful to see a psychiatrist regularly when I was recovering, and I imagine it’s really important right now for you after having such a big medication change?

Take care, you are having to cope with so much.

Ellie

[Kats88]

Gosh I am so poorly. Mentally.

I haven’t been to sleep since Friday night with the exception of a nap on Saturday afternoon, and I haven’t slept through the night for 18 days now.

I’m so tired, so so tired. Sleep deprivation is torture. And it’s making me so unwell. So the night before last as soon as I closed my eyes I could hear the radio playing. There were two voices, a man and a woman, and sometimes I could make out what they were saying but mostly not. Then I “rang” my dad. Except I didn’t, I just thought I did. I thought I was on the phone to him for an hour from 3-4am. It was only yesterday morning whilst looking through my phone I realised I hadn’t actually spoken to him. But I had? I must have beeen speaking out loud to myself.

Then at 4am I walked out into my garden undressed because I believed that my rabbit was alive again and her and her sister were fighting over a wild rabbit. This wild rabbit ran at me and hit me, making me genuinely call out in pain. This shocked me back to reality and I realised I was stood in my garden with no clothes on, alone, at 4am.

It went on all night, and then yesterday, and last night. Last night I was so sleep deprived I was totally sure I was going to sleep well. But as I was lying in bed I started seeing huge silver semi filled helium balloons traveling across my room. Then I became disorintated and when looking at the wall I became convinced I had installed a new hallway and ensuite and I tried to walk into it, instead walking into the wall.

Last night I could hear two women talking and eventually I yelled at them to shut up but it didn’t work.

I’ve also binged our on chocolate, big time, couldn’t stop once I started and ate bar after bar. This week I’ve engaged in so many risky behaviours including sex, alcohol, spending sprees and more. I know it was because I was manic and now I appear to be suffering from bad hallucinations too. Will I ever get stable? Xx

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Kats

I'm really sorry you're having horrible scary delusions, and that you are feeling poorly mentally.

Do try to be honest with your care coordinator today, and attend the psychiatrist appointment that I think was being arranged for today? Do try to open up to them about how you are feeling, and what has been happening for you, so that they can help you. The right medication and support is so important in helping you to become more stable.

Take care Kats, we are thinking of you

Ellie X

[Kats88]

I saw the psychiatrist after a lot of pressure from my care coordinator but it was a waste of time. He is fixated with the idea I have eupd and bipolar and I am adamant I do not have the symptoms of eupd.

He won’t put me back on lithium due to an overdose risk even though I agreed to have daily prescriptions, and he wouldn’t entertain the idea of putting me back on antidepressants whilst manic. Because “you’re not low yet”. So basically I have to wait to crash before going back on them.

The hallucinations are getting worse and worse. I’ve noticed whenever I shut my eyes I start hallucinating so I put record on my phone last night and closed my eyes. I have an hour of footage of me talking to myself thinking I am with various other people in various settings: I then hear the door knock so turn off my air con to listen out for it again, but you can’t hear the door knock the first time in the recording.

I am a very unstable unwell woman right now. My care coordinator says I need to be more heavily medicated but the doctor just won’t listen. I got offered an informal admission today but I’ve said no so fat, I want the crisis team to support me at home but it’s lieklu unlikely they will xx