I need help but I cannot accept it

[btks]

Hi everyone, I’m so glad to have found the forum, as I am at the verge of doing very very silly things. I am 32 weeks pregnant and have had depression (undiagnosed selftreated) episodes before. It is hard to admit that, because I always put it down to my environment and as my circumstances improved so did my mental health-I always knew I had to be patient and suffer through it. But recently I have had a very long phase of it, and becoming pregnant the hormones has absolutely sent me full on in a psychosis. I have a 9 year old son and the best husband who have been the victims of this. I have good periods when I can manage and keep it together by working full time and keeping busy, then something switches I grt into an exhaustion, a social event, an OCD thing (white hangers black hangers, kids hangers, things out of place) and I turn crazy destructive, bad mood and wanting to end everything. I am having one of these right now, however I’m scared because I have been having bad dreams and hallucinations all day and night. My son is currently at home recovering from flu and he slept with me in the past couple of nights and I have dreams where he’s got hurt. A couple of hours ago I was awoken by a white bright light on the wall it was interactive and trying to get me to do stuff. I went and got a shower and cleared my head, and realised just how bad it is right now. Really scary. We have moved and I don’t have friends m, only my husbands family who do not want to do anything with me and have written me off as a psycho and evil person due to what has been happening recently. I have asked my husband to keep it between us as when I have to keep up a certain ‘image’ it helps. Like social media... I get strength going through past memories and helps me snap out of it, but I guess he had to unload as well... last night I have deleted all my social media, in the planning of harm. (Another sign of just how bad it has got now). I would love help but I cannot tell these things to people as I’m scared of them being judgmental and critical of me and losing my whole life. I’d love to hear other stories and how other people managed to get out of this dark place.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello btks

So glad you have reached out here where you will find lots of support and understanding. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm so sorry you are in a dark place at the moment ... depression and psychosis are very frightening.

I had PP many years ago with delusions and hallucinations which were all very real to me. Are you in the UK? If so, do you have support from the perinatal mental health team? I'm sorry to hear how distressed you are. Have you thought about contacting the Samaritans on 116 123 who are there day and night, or email them on [e-mail]?

Please stay safe as you are very important to your family. There will be other mums here to offer their support .... you're not alone. Take very good care. xx

[btks in reply to Lilybeth]

Hi everyone, thank you for the replies. Based in the UK, It is very scary atm, but I do have a coping mechanism. I'd just like to carry on as normal, and talk to him about my feelings and us seeking and finding solutions to my triggers. My husband just went and told everyone what is going on with me, and he made another doctors appointment after last night. Literally the two things I have asked not to do as they send my anxiety through the roof. I do not like doctors, some bad childhood memories about a hospital admission and I do not like taking time off work. And I do not like opening up to strangers, every time we see a doctor is someone different at a different surgery.... I also don't like telling the world, we have so many people gossiping about us badly and they thrive on news like this... I don't even know who to trust as I was quite close to my husband sister, but she has turned out to be the same as everyone else and after learning about it she has admitted that she has never liked me... 'the badness shines out of me apparently and she can tell how evil I am' She went and told her friends (her best friend used to date my husband for 7 years) and even encouraging my husband to break up and seek legal help... 'worst thing is that she is pregnant' (her words) I also don't like to tell people close to us, as I know they all have their own problems to deal with and they don't need to be worried about me/us, someone is going through cancer treatment, cochlear implant operations, my family got businesses to run, jobs to attend to, dealing with infidelity etc.... no one needs my load on them. Guess my husband's coping mechanism is very different to mine.

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to btks]

Hello btks

Thanks so much for taking time to update. I think when I had so much going on in my head the last thing I wanted was to be reviewed by professionals but they don't judge and will be there to help you. With medication my frightening delusions faded in time. Having psychosis was like being a different person .... I was argumentative and very suspicious of everyone but as soon as I opened up about my thoughts and feelings I felt relieved that I was understood.

I think you have been very brave to carry on as normal but it must be so hard and stressful for you. Hopefully your doctor will be able to refer you to the help you need. Take care .... we are all here to lean on.

[Sally_at_APP Administrator]

Hi btks,

I am so glad you have found the forum. Hopefully you can gain some support from the wonderful women and families on here.

I am sorry you are going through such a hard time at the moment, it must be really scary for you.

I had Postpartum Psychosis after giving birth to my daughter in 2015. It was a scary time. I suffered with depression too, and eventually, I was able to access the right treatment with help from a specialist Psychiatrist. I also found this forum and lots of information on the APP website (app-network.org/).

Are you in the UK? If you are, you might be able to be referred to a perinatal mental health team, who can help you through it all. Could you speak with your midwife or GP about how you are feeling and how you might be able to be referred?

I also wonder if your husband is with you today. Have you told him just how bad things feel for you? It is important to be able to stay safe at the moment, especially as you say you are suffering from scary hallucinations. If you feel unsafe, or feel you are going to do something, then please do call or The Samaritans on 116 123, NHS Direct (on 111), or even 999.

I understand you may not want people to know about what you are going through, but there is no shame in getting help when you are poorly.

I hope you are ok, and we are here to listen,

Sally x

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Dear btks

Welcome to the forum. It's so good you have reached out to us for support, and are being so open and honest about how you are feeling. I see you've got some really good support so far, and I just wanted to add similar thoughts too.

I had postpartum psychosis as well, it was a scary experience, but I recovered and am myself again, you will too.

Btks, you aren't doing anything 'wrong', you are just unwell and need support, which a lot of people experience in pregnancy and afterwards. I'm so sorry some of your family have not been supportive, and have said some hurtful things. Do try not to think or worry about that for the moment, and try to concentrate on getting the support you need.

I know it is hard, but it is good that your husband has urged you to see a doctor, it sounds like he cares about you, and wants to get you the support you need and deserve. As others have said there are perinatal mental health teams across all of England now. They are specialised, they really are lovely, very non-judgmental and empathic, and will be able to support you. Try to open up to the professionals (doctors, midwives, mental health team) about how you really are feeling and the thoughts you are having (perhaps even show them this forum post?). They will want to support you.

You are doing so well, to reach out to us here, to cope with everything you are coping with. Hold on, and try to be strong and get the support you need, for yourself and your family. The quicker you do, the quicker you will feel better, and more yourself again. It sounds strange, but the strong thing to do is to seek support, rather than just trying to cope.

Thinking of you, we are all here for you,

Ellie XX

[btks]

Hi everyone, here is an update about today...we went and have been seen by a mental health nurse, who was understanding of me, even though I did not see any benefit of involving anybody else. I am still strongly on that opinion, but my husband needs help so we agreed that he will seek that, there should be someone calling him tomorrow. I have been in and out of sleep, in and out of bad dreams, of panic attacks. When not in bed I have managed to do a couple of tasks, read a book with my son, and have started writing it out what had led me into this manic state, which has calmed me down.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi btks

Good to hear that you faced your fears and saw a mental health nurse today. I can understand why you did not see any benefit involving anybody else as this is how I was during my psychosis. I wrongly thought I was fine and everyone else had a problem! I think it must be very difficult for your husband to see your distress and know how to help, so there is a lot of pressure. I hope he will feel more reassured tomorrow when someone calls him,

It's good that you have challenged yourself to doing a few tasks. I think reading to your son was a lovely way of switching your focus, which was a good idea. Writing is a way to track your highs and lows. Perhaps you could also even use emoji faces in a book each day to depict how you feel? This also might be a good indicator to your care team of how you are.

I hope you can have a good rest tonight as you have had a tiring day. Stay safe and take care.

[Sally_at_APP Administrator]

Hi btks,

Thank-you for your update, it is good to hear from you.

I am glad you went to see the nurse too, although I understand you feeling the way you do about not wanting people to be involved. However, it will mean that you can access help if you need it and your husband can feel reassured.

It's great you've managed to do some tasks to take your mind off things, especially if it has calmed you down.

Take care tonight and I hope you get a restful sleep,

Thinking of you,

Sally x

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi btks

I know others have replied as well. It's great you have sought support, as others said it's really brave to do that. It sounds like you've been doing amazingly to manage your feelings, trying to process them and distract yourself.

Will you see the mental health nurse again at all? It's really good that your husband will be getting some support too.

We are here whenever you want to write. Take care,

Ellie X

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Hello btks,

so pleased you were able to reach out! Congratulations on your new born child.

I am sorry that you are struggling at the moment and so pleased that you've found the APP forum. It was of great help to me.

When I was so poorly in 2010, my partner did not know what to do and asked for help, too.

Eventually he was heard and he did not have to cope on his own anymore.

I did not trust either, but in the long run I was able to seek a lot of help throughout my recovery. I was allocated a care coordinator, a psychiatrist and visited my GP on a regular basis. My partner was part of my support network team.

PPP is a very traumatising illness and professional help is of great importance to help your little family unit...

All the mums here can share their experiences and we all have recovered.

You have received some good advise here and we are always here to listen. You are not on your own!

All in stepping stones

x

[ChopinB]

No one will judge you.

Please find help of health professionals imediatelly.

Contact your GP, or even psychiatric emergency, it is treatable and you will get over it. They will help you.

Those who judge you have no idea about these things.

[ChopinB]

Hello,

now I see you have reached help, I am so happy to hear, I have not seen your update.

All the best on your way.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello btks

I hope someone called your husband as you both agreed he needs help. Are you being followed up by the nurse so that you also feel supported? I hope you are managing to distract yourself and that writing about how you feel is helping you. Take care.

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Yes, me too dearest btks. I hope help and support is available for you and your family.

Wishing you well.

x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello btks

I hope you have been feeling a bit better since your update, with support around you. Take care.

[btks]

Hi everyone,

an update: we have not received a call but yesterday have received a referral to a mental health nurse and an appointment. Sadly I had to cancel as it was scheduled for office hours, and I am still trying to work before the baby arrives.... had a hard day today though, barely functioning, lot of mistakes but soldiered through the day.... I find keeping busy and distracted helps, at least to get through the day... atm this is all I can do. I find it hard to open up to people and talk about it as well, so feel relieved that I dont have to, as that was stressing me out too. it's a wait and see and hope it will get better soon for me I think....

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi btks

Thank you so much for taking time to update as you must be so tired. I'm sorry that you cancelled the appointment with a nurse due to work commitments and can understand that you are still trying to work before the baby arrives. As you say, keeping yourself distracted helps but do you think you might be pushing yourself too hard if you were barely functioning today?

I'm sorry you find it hard to open up to people but there really is no shame in having the thoughts and feelings described in your original post. I hope your bad dreams and hallucinations have eased. Please take very good care of yourself in your pregnancy. Thank you for sharing ......

[Sally_at_APP Administrator]

Hi btks,

Thank-you for you message.

I am sorry you had to cancel the appointment with the nurse. I understand how it can feel like a relief. It can take a lot of energy to go talk everything through with someone. However, talking to people and professionals really helped in my recovery; the more people I opened up to, the easier it was for me.

Do you know when the appointment might be rescheduled? It would be good to be able to talk to the nurse, to see what help is there for you.

I hope you get a good nights rest and please do take care of yourself,

Thinking of you,

Sally x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi btks

I hope you have a better day today. We all understand how hard it must be for you. Take care. x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello btks

Just wondering how you are and whether you are still managing at work? I hope you will find time to see the nurse again for support and someone has phoned your husband by now. Thinking of you .... take care.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello btks

Sorry to crowd your inbox .... just to let you know we are all thinking of you and hope you have support around you. Take care.

[Pikorua Volunteer]

How are you btks? Sending you love and kindness.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello btks

It has now been two months since your first post and you were 32 weeks pregnant? I hope you are ok and have support around you if your baby is now due. Thinking of you ....