*PLEASE NO HATEFUL COMMENTS, THESE ARE GENUINELY MY FEELINGS*
I need some advice on my mental health atm. I'm not technically postpartum as my son is 21 months but I'm still suffering another of birth trauma and recovery from postnatal psychosis.
I've been to see my psychiatrist today and explained my suicidal thoughts have come back, and I HATE being a mum.... like hate it... feel like I've never bonded with my son, it makes me miserable.
I love him dearly but as the weeks go on it gets worse and worse.
Bit of background.... I had pre-eclampsia and had to have an emergency c at 32 weeks, he was in the nicu for a few weeks and I couldn't breastfeed even though I tried expressing for weeks.
Shortly after I was in and out mother and baby units and psychiatric hospitals for 5 months after his birth and have never made a full recovery with my depression. Been in and out wards since and I've only just accepted that i am really not enjoying motherhood....and like stated before my suicidal thoughts are back. I am changing medication at the moment to see if that helps but my patience is wearing very thin by the second.....
Anyone got any advice on how I can take a bit of pressure or ease from this..... its eating away at me.....
Written by
ChloeJane1997
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Just to reassure you, there is no one here to judge or offend and you will only find empathy .......
Thank you for reaching out to the forum where you will find lots of support. I’m so very sorry to hear you are struggling 21 months on from your son’s birth. I think after suffering psychosis it does take time to bond as psychosis is such a frightening experience.
I had PP twice many years ago followed by severe depression and can relate to feeling helpless, resulting in suicidal thoughts. Do you have support at home to talk about how you feel and keep you safe?
As well as a different medication, has your psychiatrist suggested talking therapy (although virtual at the moment)? I think it’s a good way to hear your thoughts and feelings ‘out loud’ and might take some of the pressure off. Perhaps your GP could refer you? Even writing here might be some relief.
If you are feeling suicidal there are support numbers you can contact, such as Shout, the 24/7 confidential support helpline. If you text 85258 you will be connected to a volunteer who will take time to listen. Or perhaps the Samaritans on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
We all understand. Take care and please stay safe.
Welcomed to the forum. I am so sorry you are strugling with depression and suicidal thoughts.
I had pp in the autumn of 2018 after the birth of my daughter followed by a disabling depression. I felt so worthless and thought how little difference will it make whether I am around or not.
Apart from medication CBT was a lifeline for me, I had quite a few sessions just after being diagnosed with pp and the following depression. I also did some more this summer over the phone, as everything is now, and in both cases I found them so useful.
Exercise has also helped to lift me from depressions in the past. Do you have someone at home that can keep an eye on your son while you go out for a walk or do some exercise indoors?
Or perhaps it is not exercise but a hobby, or a chingwang with a friend. Life is so busy when being a mum that we always put ourselves on the lowest priority, sometimes till the point that we feel we are not even in the picture.
I hope that the change in medication does help, in the meantime stay safe. Lilybeth has given great resources for helplines in case you need to shout out. If writing here takes something off your chest, please continue to do so. This is a safe space and no one will judge you. It will get better.
Hello. I understand. I hated being a mom too when they were toddlers. Hated it. It was like my life had been destroyed through no fault of my own. And it seems like you have had one trauma after another. People say things like how your beautiful son makes up for everything and you must be so happy now everything is all right. 😐
But you need to recover from the horrible time you have had, and are still having. And you feel how you feel, that’s ok, being a mum isn’t necessarily fulfilling for everyone. And right now, it can be terribly lonely.
When you are depressed you feel like no one and nothing can help, and the talking therapies sound stupid and a waste of time. I had Compassionate Mind Therapy. Best thing I ever did: it really, really helped.
In the short term, when he sleeps, watch TV, have a bath, do an exercise video. Don’t try to rush around doing everything. Ready meals, take away - every short cut you can think of. It will be fine. Can someone take him out for an hour everyday so you are not responsible for him in that time.
And mindfulness is another thing that sounds ridiculous but can really help. And, yes the Samaritans. I’ve phoned them more than once, you don’t have to wait until you are feeling suicidal.
Keep on seeking help until you get the support you need.
Take care of yourself.
Hi Chloejane
Just wanted to check in and try to give you a bit of encouragement.
Hope you can do something you enjoy (or don’t hate) today.
One load of washing every day really helps to avoid feeling overwhelmed.
Then you deserve a bit of a reward, so find something you actually want to watch on iplayer, or Netflix, and have a bit of escapism. Or hide in your room and listen to music for a bit.
Seems like your post struck a chord. Lots of people clicked ‘like’ on not loving being a mom to toddlers. So you’re not alone. 💕
Hi Chloejane1997, I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Your birth experience sounds similar to mine. My son is 20 months and after he was born, I also had a type of pre-eclampsia (HELLP syndrome) and then developed PP and spent 2 months in an MBU, followed by a period of depression. It is hard work looking after a toddler even if your mental health is good and it sounds like you are still very much in recovery. There is no set time line for getting better and I think everyone's recovery is up and down at the moment. Things that help me to look after my own mental health which you might want to try: Listening to an uplifting song, writing in my diary, watching a comedy TV show, listening to a guided meditation on Insight Timer, going for a walk. But at the moment you might find talking about how you are feeling is the most important thing to do for yourself.
I found that deliberately cultivating self-compassion alongside my talking therapies was the best thing I could do for myself. The book I used was the Compassionate Mind Approach to Postnatal Depression by Michelle Cree, it was a lifesaver.
You deserve help right now and every time that you are feeling like this - you do not have to deal with this alone. Hope your new medications improve things for you and I am here if you want to get in touch anytime. Rooting for you xx
I hope you found the replies here helpful and the change of medication has eased your suicidal thoughts. It is an awful experience to have such thoughts as I related to earlier. We are all here to listen if it helps to see your thoughts and feelings written down. Stay safe and take care.
how are you feeling today? I have read through the comments and will not be able to add anymore. Some good advice, support and exchange of experiences!
Just to let you know, you are not on your own, we will not judge, just listening. After PPP (2010) I could not find peace for a long time until I found this forum at the end of 2015. Some wonderful ladies helped me tremendously back o track.
Hello to everyone who sent me support with my struggles back along! Apologies that I wasn't able to reply, and I am so grateful for all your kind words, i really did take it all in and was able to do what was neeee to aid recovery!!!!!I can happily say things do get better with time, support!!!!
(my son now lives with his dad and stepmum full time and I'm seeing him a couple times a month, amd we all have a great relationship )
Is life easier? Hell yes!
Is life still painful? Oh yea it can be!
Is life beautiful? One million percent! And I'm glad I fought the worst days!
So glad to read your update and to know you are doing much better and have a great relationship with your son. Time is a great healer, isn't it? Sending you love. Take good care
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