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Action on Postpartum Psychosis
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Feeling awful

Sorry for the miserable post, but I just feel awful at the moment. I cant get out of this miserable feeling and feel like I literally can’t move most of the day, just sat there like I’m dead. The Drs have said they basically can’t do anything to help and I Just have to manage feeling like this. But I feel so bad that I just want to end it all. I feel like there’s no hope left. I feel guilty being like this as I love my family and just want to feel ok. But it’s like a psychical feeling of emptiness and no energy to move. I’m being discharged from mbu next week and they seem to think I only feel like this because I’m scared of going home. But it’s not that at all. I just feel in such a bad place right now I just thought I would be so much better before going home. Sorry I’m rambling I just can’t think straight at the moment x

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Hi Bumblebeeee,

Sorry to hear you are having these thoughts it sounds really hard. I have to say I remember PP recovery being very up and down and I recall too being happy to be almost home from MBU but also worried about the next steps. I wonder if the medication might also be contributing to the feelings of emptyness you describe, as I too felt like that. It was a bit like a fog, numbing me and slowing me, making my emotions quite narrow in that I didn't feel like myself either. At the time I didn't understand it but later on it was described in this way to me by a doctor.

Are there things you can to do to distract yourself, perhaps an activity on the ward, or an outside space (it's cold but sunny here today which is always nice to get a change of scenery... I'm about to head out in it now). Listening to music or reading a trashy magazine and doing my nails (usually quite badly!) was something I used to do too. Take care, we are here for you and I promise it does get better, things will be easier in time. All the best, xx

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Thank you. I think Iv just had enough in general. The drs have said they don’t think my experiences are pp so it means I am just generally cursed with demons. I am seeing someone from the church tomorrow to see what I can do to be free from all this evil. Just feel like there’s no hope anymore because at least if this was an illness I could be helped. But now there’s no hope or anything left anymore x

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I’m so sorry to hear this. Please try and talk to someone to get support from them. I hope you can get some rest tonight. PP can be so awful, I know. We’re thinking of you, wishing you well. Take care, xx

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Hiya Bumblebeeee

Great that you will be discharged soon. You sound quite , not at the idea of going home but at the prospect of going home whilst still feeling so not yourself.

I think many on here will tell you they didnt feel 'well' when they were discharged. Dont despair you should be given a CPN who will come visit you at home. My CPN became my best friend. She was truely wonderful. Recovery from PP is more like a journey. There are many ups and downs but one step at a time and you get there eventually. Be kind to yourself. Don't expect yourself to feel like Superwoman. Its very early days but you will eventually feel like you again. Please dont feel guilty as you have been through a serious illness and just need time, lots of time and loving support to get well. Let your family and friends help you in the next few weeks whilst you regain your confidence

Kind thoughts and hugs

Teresa x

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Hello Bumblebeeee,

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been poorly and that you feel this way today.

It’s so very hard to have hope on the darkest days isn’t it, but I wonder if there’s a tiny tiny glimmer of anything you can grab onto and try to ride out the tough days. Do speak with the staff, they will want to support you, perhaps they mean they can’t take the feelings away, but they can most certainly listen I hope, maybe sit with you to support you.

I had PP, and as another has said in response to you, the recovery is very up and down at times. On my first few days at home after discharge I too could barely move. I was exhausted in every possible way. Even if you’ve not had PP specifically I imagine the recovery is still up and down from any mental health challenge. And having a baby on top of that, well... I think we all give ourselves such a hard time - you can’t help how you’re feeling. Don’t eat yourself up feeling guilty.

I had some very dark days, where I just wanted to sleep, vegetate as you sort of describe yourself.

When I was in the MBU I used the small courtyard garden, it was the middle of winter, it was cold, but I found a broom and swept and tidied the grotty space like my life depended on it. I can’t imagine what the staff thought of me doing it! But you know, it was a break from feeling like crap... excuse my french. Just putting my mind to something else.

I know that doing something will possibly sound un-achievable today, and I promise I’m wholeheartedly not minimising how you’re feeling. I have been there too. But one day, you can find that glimmer of hope again.

Its good you have friends, people from church you mention coming to see you? I hope they share some calm with you in some way.

Take care of yourself and thinking of you xx

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Dear Bumblebee. Yes you do sound very miserable at the moment and understandably not very confident about going home . Those “ ending it all” thoughts are very unhelpful but are only thoughts of not feeling you can cope, and your loving family who support you will be wanting to do everything they can to help your return home to be a positive experience . A few suggestions from my own past( with PPP then depression after a second baby ) do help although you will be reluctant to do these things at first , are ; 1. Go outside for a walk each day unless it’s impossible weather .2. Listen to soothing and uplifting music for at least an hour each day 3. Keep a diary / notebook/ journal and record each day your feelings and reactions . You will see how they fluctuate 4. Try to catch up on sleep when you can as lack of sleep leads to low moods 5. Keep in touch with friends even a little text is enough . If you are not ready to socialise you can tell them that but it’s uplifting to feel connected .

Personal grooming ! We girls feel good with a hairdo, nails done , massage if you like that etc

And last but NOT LEAST !! Keep loving and kissing hugging stroking your lovely baby !!

This is well known to release endorphins in a mother so however low you are feeling do this often !!

Please be kind to yourself . You are going through a difficult time of your life but you will recover steadily . Try to be patient if you can . You’re going to get better and life will seem a lot happier before long .

With love and best wishes to you .

Denise x

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Such a lovely, helpful reply Denise....only want to add that these feelings are so common after psychosis, especially once the anti psychotics have really started working.... Bumblebee please try and have faith that you will feel better in time, we are all here as testament to that, I cannot deny that it’s a battle at times and there are good and bad days in the path of recovery, try to go with the flow, accept you’re now going into your next phase of recovery, be kind to yourself, be proud of yourself and enjoy your beautiful baby.

Take great care .... Jas xx

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Thank you. I have hit a very dark time so they have put me on 1:1. Feel so stupid now but I Just couldn’t go on like I was, really felt like I had come to the end of this awful life. I Jusr want to feel like I used to when I used to love life. I just feel like everything has shattered and there’s nothing left :(

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Bumlebeeee ..... I too hit rock bottom.....it seemed like a million miles away that I used to smile, laugh, enjoy,feel pleasure and happiness .... I thought it was gone forever..... like a personality change.... I felt like a ‘shell’ with nothing in the middle but dark gloom day after day .... but the light did shine through ..... slowly and gradually .... and now I’m a stronger person, and know how to best protect myself from going back to those hopeless days.....xx

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Don't despair Bumblebeeee ..... you are not stupid but recovering from such an awful illness which will drag you down to your lowest point at times. So pleased it has been recognised that you need 1:1 care for now. It's just someone looking out for you under the specialist care in the MBU and will be a comfort.

I can understand how you feel that everything has shattered but with the good care you are receiving you can fight your way back. There is so much to look forward to .... not least all the lovely times ahead with your baby as your confidence returns and you find your place again. Please take care of yourself and lean on the staff who are there to keep you company for now. :)

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Thank you. This group is amazing you have no idea how much your replies help me through the day. Thank you x

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Good to hear Bumblebeeee ........

We are all here for you :) It's great that you can be honest with your care team about how you feel so they know how to help you.

I don't think we realise how much of a traumatic experience PP is and I was always anxious to show I was 'fine' when I clearly wasn't. I'm so proud of you, that you can tell it like it is so family and staff in the MBU know how to support you. Take your time and take it easy for now ..... you are in the right place to get better and move forward one step at a time. xx

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Hi Bumblebeeee,

I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time at the moment.

Please don’t feel stupid, I know it’s easier said than done, but as Lilybeth said, you are recovering from a horrible illness that can strip you from all you know at times.

I won’t go into too much detail about my experience (please ask if you do want to know more). I just wanted to say that I too felt so low, like my whole world had come crashing down and what was the point of everything if I felt like that everyday? I was put on 1:1 care too, but it was the best thing for me at the time.

I was just desperate to get better and longed for when I was happy before it all happened. It will take some time and unfortunately there will be ups and downs, but hang on, because I promise you it does get better.

Try to keep talking to people about how you are feeling and try to think about how strong and brave you are for going through all this. I know it is hard to keep hold of those thoughts when you are feeling so low and empty. But there will be a point where you see the light at the end of the tunnel. This gave me the hope I needed to know it was going to be ok.

Thinking of you,

Take care and we are here for you,

Sally xx

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Hi Bumblebeeee,

As said by others, please don't feel stupid for going to 1:1, there is nothing further from the thruth, it takes courage to admit to needing help. I also went into 1:1 in the MBU, after having reached some independence with my baby. It weighted on me like a great step back, but the journey is full of ups and downs, its just difficult to think you can reach the peak when you are in the lowest of valleys. But it is possible. You will get better and will be able to enjoy while caring for your baby. Apart from all, that have been mentioned things that helped me improve while at the MBU, was slowly introducing home leave, starting taking one night at home coming back to the MBU the following day and slowly increasing the number of nights at home every week, before u know it you are spending most of the week at home rather than at the MBU. Is that something you can discuss with your Care Team? Physical excercise was fundamental for me, like Denzit said, use any excuse to go out for a walk once a day, I used to go to the Asda down the road everyday, not the most exciting but I used it to meditate. Also doing something for the staff and other mothers at the MBU, us mothers were allowed to cook dinner and it was very satisfying to treat people to something they enjoyed. I hope you start to feel better soon. The ups and downs will reduce with time, I promise, and you will start seeing a more positive trend. Don't despair, we are all thinking of you.

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Dear Bumblebee, It must seem like a step back at present having 1;1 but its a sign that you want very much to recover by telling the staff how you feel , and thats a very positive thing. Well done.You are a brave girl. These days will pass . I know so well how hard it is to be positive when everything seems to be working against you . I sense that you care very much about your baby despite the fact that the current symptoms are making if hard to fulfil your own expectations of being a mother...Please remember that you are suffering from an illness and if it was a physical condition that stopped you temporarily from doing everything for your baby ,yes it would be frustrating but easier to accept. You have no need ever to judge yourself ; just take each day as it comes, as I said, these days will pass. thinking of you and send you a hug and my best wishes, for better and better days.

Denise x

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Hello Bumblebeeee

I hope your 1 :1 care is helping and you feel a little more hopeful. During recovery I think we have all had ups and downs, as shown by the replies you have had. I remember times when I felt helpless and hopeless but with good care you will eventually fully recover. Please take your time to be well and lean on the 1 : 1 support you have.

PP mums really are amazing :) Take good care of yourself. x

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Thank you. I’m feeling a lot more positive today. I’m going home on Thursday so feeling more ready now. I have spoken lots to the drs and showed them my poems I have been writing. Also spoke to someone from the church today so feeling a lot more hopeful x

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Hello Bumblebeeee

So glad to hear you are feeling more positive and that you will be going home on Thursday. Are you going home in stages or are you being discharged?

It's good that you have spoken lots to the drs and shown them poems you have written. During my hospital confinement many years ago I also wrote poetry but this was never kept. I imagine it gives staff an idea of what you are thinking and feeling?

So good to hear you are feeling more hopeful too after speaking to someone from the church. Take care ..... lots to look forward to. x

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Hello Bumblebeeee

I hope you are going home tomorrow as planned and that you are still feeling positive. I'm sure you will have support at home and a care plan in place. Take very good care of yourself and remember to rest when you can. x

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Wishing you well dearest Bumblebeeee,

I hope a care plan is put into place and you will experience appropriate support. Look after yourself...we are here and listen, always! :-)

x

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Hi thank you for your replies. Yes I’m still going home today. My mum is picking me up at 12. Mixed emotions but I think I’m ready now for the next chapter in our lives. They have put lots of support in place so I’m seeing a support worker afew times a week at home and have a cpn and new psych to see soon. Feeling a lot more stable and postitive. Thank you everyone for being here it’s really so amazing to have your support x

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Hi Bumblebeeee

I think its natural to have mixed emotions but with all the support in place I hope you will soon relax into the comfort of home as your confidence returns. Take very good care of yourself .... so much to look forward to taking the next step to recovery. We are all here to lean on. x

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