After PPP last summer, and crushing depressive episodes for the past 7 or 8 months. My psychiatrist has switched my antidepressant from sertraline to venlafaxine. I’m just convinced it won’t work. I’ve only been taking it for 12 days which I know is early days logically, but I keep thinking it won’t work for me.. I just don’t have any hope anymore.
I feel guilty as well because my husband keeps taking last minute time off when I have these really bad days. It’s putting pressure on him. And it means all his annual leave is getting used up and so he won’t be able to use any of it for getting an actual break.
i just can’t believe the venlafaxine is going to work. My psychiatrist suggested going into hospital while we make the switch, but my partner doesn’t think that’s a good idea, he thinks I’d really miss home and the kids. The truth is that all that comforts me at the moment is lying in bed.
I just feel so hopeless. It’s been going on for so long and I’m just exhausted.
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MotherOfBears
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Please don't lose hope. So many women here have been where you are and completely understand those feelings you describe. You really can come through this.
Try not to feel guilty about your husband taking time off work, he'll want to be there for you. I don't know if he could perhaps discuss other options with his work for taking time off/flexible working instead of using his annual leave, but try not to worry - you're the most important consideration right now and I'm glad you have that support.
How do you feel about your psychiatrist's suggestion of going into hospital? Are you in regular contact with him/her in the meantime? Do keep talking so they know exactly how you're feeling, and you and your husband know the options available to you.
As you say, it is quite early days of being on the new medication but when feeling so low and exhausted those days are so very tough. Keep writing whenever it helps, and keep talking to those supporting you.
Hi MotherOfBears, I am sorry you are not feeling hopeful about the change of medication. As you and Jenny say it is early days, but it is tough to keep the hope up when feeling low. If it is difficult to feel positive about it, maybe just try and keep a neutral wait and see attitude, if that is not too much. We'll keep hoping for you, that you get better days soon. I remember you were not able to go to your local MBU a while ago because of refurbishment and had to be some distance away from home, is that still the case or could you be in a hospital closer to home? It might be worth thinking of it as an option, as they could make changes in medication with more supervision.
Take good care of yourself, will be thinking of you.
It has been long and I am really sorry for that, I know it is difficult to find any energy through the day, are you still going for a run every now and then? Having things on the docket used to help, I remember
we are all different and I am in tune with what Jenny said with regards to working things out steadily allowing your husband to make the decission to be there for you. My partner went to his own GP in order to take time off work for stress initially. Union arrangements with firm and occupational health managed to give him time out with full financial support for 6 months as I needed full time care. There was no other choice at the time and this was the best option to create a support network, carefully worked out by my partner, psychiatrist, health visitor and care coordinator at the time.
Recovery always has been from home and my sanctuary of routine and comfort. It is OK to receive help from your husband...our partnership has grown very strong over the years, because we went through so much together. Still nowadays, there are times where I can support him and there are times where he is my cushion. That is teamwork via love and kindness and our mission in safekeeping our mental health and being there for our son, who is now 12.
I know times are tough at the moment and meds needs to be kicking in. It helps to work towards a positive frame of mind. Lows are so difficult, but as I said before establishing a routine, pursuing something you enjoy, and being able to communicate about your worries with your husband, loved ones, friends, health professional, identifying therapeutic avenues all will help...
I want you to know I see you and I can empathise with this soo much. I was on sertraline first which didn't work and I was switched on to venlafaxine and I can tell you positively that it did work. So please don't lose hope and think it won't for you. I remember my mum crying to my psychiatrist at the time would I ever get better and her looking my mum dead in the eye and saying "This will work" I had to go back into hospital for the switch...just one week. This was necessary for me as I was extremely low and suicidal. My husband said it did take a few weeks to start working so please be patient and kind to yourself.
I hope this gives you the hope you need to carry on through this difficult time. Lots of love
shells15 thanks for sharing your story and that is lovely to hear your positive outcome. I also like what one of the others said too about keeping a neutral mindset. Maybe it will work maybe it won’t, just have to wait and see. It so hard to do when all I want is some certainty that this will be better soon. But otherwise I get fixated and can’t think of anything else
Thanks Maria. My doctor increased my dose, and if it doesn’t have an impact in the next week or two we’ll try lithium.
Honestly I feel so drained by it all. My mood cycles between very low for a couple of weeks and then ok for a couple of weeks. I’m in one of my “up” phases at the moment but I’m so scared of things continuing like this I’m not feeling great. Spent all day in bed yesterday and my partner is trying to help me get up and out today. I’m just psyching myself up for a shower.
I’ve been weathering this all for so long that I feel so drained by it all. I can’t find the words to describe how I’m feeling. I’m sure lots of people on here can relate, as I know a long recovery is common. Even when I “should” be feeling ok I’m so scared and tired
It is good that they have listened to you and put some changes for medication and that there is also a plan for if it doesn't make a difference. I cannot imagine how draining it must feel at the moment and I am sorry that even the days when you should be feeling OK are filled with dread of the bad days coming.
I have no personal experience of lithium, but I have heard from some it was what made the difference to their recovery. Of course, there are side effects to consider, but there is hope that things will turn around for you.
Hope that you had an OK day today, do let us know how you are getting on. Thinking of you
I’ve had a really savage couple of weeks. Feeling broken by it all. This is my third treatment combination and it doesn’t seem to have worked. I think my psychiatrist will say it is time to start lithium. I’ve read that it can take “several weeks or even months” to work. And I’m terrified. I don’t know how I can cope. I’m so so scared and feeling hopeless. I just want it to be over. It’s also a year since I was admitted to hospital and it is hard to think I have been ill all this time.
Hi MotherOfBears - oh I really really feel for you. It’s so disheartening when treatments don’t seem to work and you can’t see a way out of the pit. Please know that you will get there, you really will, and this isn’t you now until forever.
I know it sounds a bit trite, but do have a think about what else might help your recovery, alongside the medications. For me, I know I wouldn’t function without regular exercise (gym, swimming, walking, cycling - whatever I can fit into my day!). And also keeping in touch with friends and family works wonders too.
Treat your recovery like a campaign: carve out any time that you might need for your stress reducing and happiness increasing activities and don’t feel at all guilty for taking that time! I can’t remember how much family support you have around you, in terms of child care and help around the house, but don’t feel bad for needing more and asking for it. The time you invest in yourself now will provide a lifetime of reward. And even if that time is sitting on the sofa watching Greys Anatomy, that still counts!
Meds wise I’m not sure I have much advice other than to keep an open mind. I haven’t been on lithium myself (despite my bipolar diagnosis) but have heard from many others how it has transformed their lives. It might just be the missing ingredient for you - you never know.
Please keep posting here. Have you been able to enjoy the lovely sunshine recently? I spent all day yesterday weeding in my garden - it looks much better but I now have a huge blister on my palm and loads of insect bites!!!
I'm so sorry you've had a rough couple of weeks, and coming up to a year postpartum is a big thing too. I remember feeling very wobbly around that time, wanting to be fully better and myself after a year, and knowing I still wasn't, was very hard.
Kat has written a lovely reply already. I too found, and still do, that I needed to do lots of different things to help my mood, and not just medication (though the right combination definitely helps).
Personally I've found writing really helps. At the moment I'm writing daily goals for myself in a notebook (self care kind of goals), and then I write what I did each day, trying to focus on the positive things as much as possible. I also write stream of consciousness pages each day, just to let out my thoughts and feelings about anything and everything.
I don't know if there's things you did before you were unwell and that you enjoyed? I know it feels hard to do them when you're low, but maybe just trying to do some small things may help? - I agree with Kat that exercise is definitely helpful too.
And do know things will get better, though I know it's hard to believe it. Take care,
Hi MotherOfBears, I am so sorry these past few weeks have been rough. Anniversaries are really hard. Be compasionate with yourself, sooth the scared part of yourself that is feeling hopeless at the moment, as you would sooth your children. That approach helps me when I am at a deep low. There is strength in acknowledging that you have been through a lot, and also that there is more recovery to be made yet and that you will get to a place of balance again. The lovely replies above have great suggestions to alternative things to medication that are positive for our mental health. I remember you enjoyed running for a while, do you still try every now and then? Take good care, will be thinking of you
Another update, my doctor has indeed started me on lithium. The success rate and timescales are disheartening- 8 weeks plus until I could hope to see benefits. And then if it hasn’t worked I would probably need to continue on it for a while to see if I’m a slow responder. We also talked a little about ECT and he said I’m not there yet. He’s going to refer me for some psychological help as well. As I’m finding that even when I am feeling level, the thought of my next bad day is all consuming, I’m so scared of them. I think if I get some very very bad days I will be back in hospital this time, as they have been very severe.
I think I wasn’t helping myself the last few weeks. I just gave up, and spent a lot of time on the sofa or in bed. I ended up feeling much worse. It is so hard to get up and out in the morning but it almost always helps
I'm sorry to read you've had a bad couple of weeks. Thank you for updating today - I can understand feeling disheartened by the potential timescales that have been mentioned with regard to lithium but it's good to hear there's a bit of a plan in place and great you're being referred for some psychological support too.
Your strength is shining through - you can absolutely do this Keep going, getting yourself up and out - one day at a time, and know we're all here cheering you on.
Thinking of you and sending all good wishes your way,
Hi MotherOfBears, I do hope starting on lithium helps.
I had depression after the psychosis too. There were some days I would lie on the sofa or in bed, and just couldn't make myself do anything, but I agree with you, it was never a positive thing to do that, and I found just forcing myself to get up, go out, or just do some things around the house almost always helped lift my mood. But I know that can be hard to do at times. I saw the depression as something I had to fight against, and use every possible thing I could to fight it. Making myself do things, like exercise etc as well. I remember I would swim once or twice a week and would make myself do it. Even if I didn't feel like going at times, I always felt better after I'd done it.
I used to try and plan my days a bit too, a plan of what I would do to get out the house with my baby each day, even just a walk to a cafe. I also found giving myself small goals for each hour of the day, like playing with my baby, or washing up did help me to get through each hour or each day somehow, and I think did slowly lift my mood too as I felt I was achieving things, and it gave me some structure / routine as the days often seemed very long and never ending.
Thinking of you - as Jenny says - you have strength, you want to get better, you will come through this part of the illness, and feel yourself again, you really will though I know it's hard to believe it right now.
Hi MotherOfBears, it is really good news your doctor has made the referral for some therapy sessions, I found they really helped me to challenge unhelpful thought patterns. Routine and structure are also hugely helpful, as Ellie says, and a few months ago you were noticing a marked difference between the days when you had a plan and the days with no activities. Start small, and try to write down what you did on the day, so when you look back you gain confidence that you can also do the same today and build it up incrementally. When we have been feeling low for a long time we forget how it is to be unburdened with depression, but you will feel light again and things will turn around for you.
I think it is good to have an outline of how things may pan out with medication, but when possible take it each hour at a time. Take really good care, will be thinking of you
thanks again for the replies. I am finding it hard to hold onto hope, but I told some friends today about how I’m feeling and they said they would hold the hope for me. The uncertainty and length of time kills me though. I definitely definitely DEFINITELY feel better when I get up in the morning and do something. And I find days when I have a sociable activity planned really are the best days. So I need to find some more groups to go to and anything sociable. So far I have Monday, Wednesday and Friday covered… will need to work on the other two days.
I think Ellie’s idea of even just going to a cafe a good one, just to be out of the house
dear MotherOfBears - I am so glad you have such supportive friends around you, they sound awesome. And I LOVE the idea of just going to a local cafe, so as not to be alone on the days when you don’t have fixed plans. The joys of simply people-watching or flicking through the newspaper.. lovely!
It sounds like you’re doing brilliantly - keep going!
I’m just crushed by the fear that the medication won’t work, that nothing will work. That this is me now. It’s all I can think about. I’m just so so scared.
Hi MotherOfBears - it’s such an understandable worry, it really is, but it’s also becoming a big anxiety - which is the work of your illness, I think. Understandable thoughts and worries become overwhelming, repetitive and often very self destructive (in my experience, which I hope is helpful to share!). I find that as soon as we can notice these thoughts for what they are; the sooner we can tell them to jog on. So the self talk goes something like this: “thanks brain, I note your concern about X,Y and Z. But instead of letting you sit here and ruminate on how catastrophic things could be, I’m going to go now and meet up with my friend and go to the cafe. You aren’t needed here. Maybe I’ll just go ahead and write you down in my notebook so you can sit and stew in there instead.”
Sorry if this sounds really silly, but it’s honestly quite a practical way of noticing, recognising and then (most importantly!) dealing with these negative and self sabotaging trains of thought. I hope it helps.
It is a worry for you but the very fact that you are communicating your feelings is a good sign. I see from your weekly plan that today is a day when you don’t have fixed plans. This is when thoughts can be all consuming but you are doing so well, coping at home with your family.
Is it possible that today you could meet a friend or ask them to visit? It is a struggle for you and from my experience it took a while for the team to find medication that worked for me. So hold on, try to distract your thoughts, perhaps with music, although being the ‘mother of bears’ you must be very busy with their care.
Take care and keep sharing how you feel with your care team so that they can support you. We are here if it helps to see your thoughts written down. 🌻
Waiting can be so difficult, it can feel like giving up is the answer, but you have done the opposite and fought at every step, even at the hardest, as the mother of bears that you are. I'll be thinking of you, do take good care today
I'm sorry the thought that you might not get better gets overwhelming some days. It's so good you've noticed you feel better when you get out and about and have some plans. I hope you can keep doing that, as hopefully it's good distraction as you say.
I definitely relate to all these thoughts, I did feel similar and my mind would get stuck on a negative thought quite easily at times, as Kat says, recognising it as a thought that isn't helpful, is a good idea - but be compassionate with yourself, it is the illness.
Thinking of you, and hoping you can have a good week
Hi MotherOfBears, hope today is better and you are able to distract yourself with activities that you have planned. I remembered a trick I was told in therapy once and its very simple but quite effective. When an unhelpful thought pop into my head, such as: "I am not going to be able to cope from now on" I will rephrase it as: "I am having a thought that I am not going to be able to cope from now on". That took a lot of power out of the thought as it became just an opinion and not a fact, and as Ellie says, it is so important to tell apart the illness from you. Take really good care
Just wondering how you have been. It must be so difficult for you and my heart broke when you wrote in an earlier post here “I think I wasn’t helping myself in the last few weeks ....” From where I’m sitting, even though you have had some awful days, you have found that inner strength to be there for your family. It’s been an ongoing battle for you but we are all warriors here and have found our way through ... as you will. Like your friends, we are all hoping for you.
I hope you are keeping positive and the medication might be working. I don’t know if the BBC Headroom might offer something of a distraction at bbc.co.uk/headroom with all kinds of tools, e.g music mixes and meditation, inspiring stories and podcasts.
I’ve had a brilliant couple of weeks, as part of my cycle of ups and downs. But now I am down again. I’m not letting myself stay in bed and getting up and out each day. It’s still really hard and I find I cry almost all of the time unless I am at a baby activity when I manage to keep it inside.
I’ve know for a while now that as my baby is over 12months, the perinatal team couldn’t keep me on, but it has finally happened and yesterday I said good to my amazing care coordinator. It also means that I can no longer attend a walking group for mums which had been such a great source of support and friendship.
I’m trying to maintain hope, and avoid thinking that hope is dangerous as I might get disappointed. Lots of people have had a great experience with lithium and maybe I will have too. It is hard for me to do this as I am quite pessimistic but I think some positivity might help a little bit.
And I also hold onto something my care coordinator said - that I would get better eventually.
Hi MotherOfBears, such a lovely message of hope, yes, you will get better. It is sad to say goodbye to the perinatal team, you build a relationship with the team looking after you. Have they discharged you to the community team or another specialist team?It is great you are making an effort to get up everyday and plan things to do, not easy when battling the lows. It is so good you are able to observe your moods without any feeling of judgement, just acknowledgement and compassion. It is an effort to stop the ruminations but it helps a ton when we are able to.
Keep going as you are, things will definitely get much better for you. Thinking of you
I’m glad to hear you had a good couple of weeks. I’m sorry you’re currently down and also that some of your support has ended, but you’ve written with hope and positivity and as Maria and lilybeth have said, I hope you will be transferred for ongoing support in the community.
If you’d be interested in 1:1 peer support and aren’t already in touch with us, do get in contact if you’d like to - you can read more here: app-network.org/peer-support/
Keep going and keep writing to us, we’re always here to listen.
Change can be hard and it must have been stressful to step away from the support of the perinatal team. As Maria has written, I also think you might now be transferred to the community team?
I hope you can stay positive and keep fighting your fears ... be proud that you have come so far in a year. Perhaps one of the mums in the walking group might be able to meet you and maintain that friendship and support you value so much? It’s so good to walk and talk.
I think you’re amazing coping at home ... please hold onto hope. It’s not easy but in time things will feel much better. Be kind to yourself and take care ... we are here for you 🌸
The community team haven’t been great so far to be honest, but I know they are critically under resourced so I wasn’t expecting much. I’m waiting for a referral to a team called Optima who provide an intensive program for those with mood disorders.
Thank you so much for checking in, the support of everyone on here has meant a lot to me over this past year.
I’m hopeful that the lithium might be starting to work. This last cycle has been shorter and milder. Keeping everything crossed.
Thanks for letting us know how things have been for you. I’m sorry to hear that the community team haven’t been great but please keep reaching out to them as you deserve their support. I hope you won’t have to wait too long for a referral to Optima.
I think you have been so strong staying at home for the love of your’bears’ ... not easy but you have done so well.
I wonder if the Frazzled Cafe, a charity set up by Ruby Wax might be a virtual safe space for you to interact with others or just observe via zoom? There are free sessions available, seven days a week, including mindfulness. The link is frazzledcafe.org if this might help, although it’s not therapy.
Hoping the medication might be having an effect. Take very good care and be kind to yourself. 🌻
I was really feeling very hopeful that the lithium had worked. I kept saying when I mentioned it to others “oh it’s only early days I won’t get my hopes up”. But I did very much get my hopes up and thought the depression was gone. But then I had a couple of days which didn’t feel too good, then this morning I woke up and very distressed. I’m so so so disappointed. And so scared because if the lithium doesn’t work, I don’t know where to turn next. I’m going to hope that this downturn is maybe shorter and gets milder.
It’s hard to describe the fear, it is all encompassing. And when I’m having a bad day anyway gets dark, and I imagine feeling this way for months or years to come
I'm sorry you've woken up this morning feeling so distressed. I can understand it feeling all consuming while that dark cloud and fear are present... fear is such a strong emotion. Remember you have so much strength too, and that this will pass.
I hope you can do something nice for yourself today. I'm thinking of you.
I’m sure it hasn’t been easy for you without the support of the perinatal team. I hope you won’t have too long to wait until the optima referral and that in the meantime your GP is looking after you.
I did not have a bipolar diagnosis but remember and have read in my notes about my severe depression following PP. I was admitted to hospital in times of crisis when I wasn’t coping. So that’s why I admire so much that you have been able to remain at home, which has taken much courage and strength.
I hope you've been doing ok this week and managing to do some activities that I know you've said have helped lift you in the past. Do keep reaching out and know we're thinking of you and here to hold that space whenever it's helpful.
hello, thanks for getting in touch 😊. I’ve had a dark few weeks, had convinced myself that I wasn’t ever going to get better. Just beaten down by the whole process of trying new medications and nothing working. But am feeling more positive now.
Lovely to hear from you. I’m sorry you were struggling with a few dark weeks, it’s not easy some days. Have you heard anything about your referral to Optima for support? Take it easy ... it’s good to hear you are feeling more positive now. 🌹
Optima will be a long time I think. I’m supremely lucky though as we have BUPA cover and I am seeing a psychiatrist through that route. We’ve just made a medication change - we’re upping the dose of Lamotrigine, hoping it will augment the lithium. It is now a case of trial and error to find something that works. I’m cycling up and down over a three week period so it’s relentless. Silver lining is that I know pretty quickly whether something is working.
I’m trying to bunker in and ride out what might happen over the autumn and winter
That’s good you are able to be reviewed by a psychiatrist and I hope the new medication will be helpful in making a difference. Waiting is never easy .... for now, wrap yourself in the comfort blanket of home with your treasured bears 🌻
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