So. I don't really know where to start with this. So Ill just give a backstory.
This year on July 1st I was 19 weeks and 5 days pregnant and went into preterm labor with my daughter, Junie. She lived for 2 hours and 12 minutes and did not make it. The doctors wouldn't put her on oxygen or do anything to help her. I was told she was too small to try to save and that it would only cause more trauma. I was told I would only get 5 minutes with her.. And I am so grateful for the time I got. So much more than they estimated.
About a month went by full of nothing but crying, jumping awake in my sleep, holding onto my SO. Going on midnight shopping trips to get out of the house and having another meltdown in the middle of it. We didn't leave eachothers side at all for at least two weeks.
Then he started going out more. Started drinking and leaving me at home alone. He'd be gone for HOURS. Leaving me to sit with my thoughts. That's when everything started to go downhill even more. I started to think that there were demons in the house. That a demon killed my daughter. That there were sirens and other creatures living in my bedroom. I was terrified of my bedroom for two months. I at some point started to believe I had superpowers. That I could defeat these evil things. That I could control the ocean. That I could control the weather. My ideations where out of this world. Sometimes they still get in my head.
Fast forward about 2-3 months of this. I'm at work pretending everything is okay, because I have an unhealthy gnat for doing this to myself. I go to the bathroom, at work. I look into the mirror, and my worst episode to date happens. Or at least the most memorable one. I got stuck in the mirror. My face was literally turning into all of the evil things I had spent so long being afraid of. Then my face gets ashy and two more of me appear in the mirror and mock me. I start to die. Then suddenly everything is chanting at me. The faces in the mirror, the walls. Everything in my surroundings. And what eventually snapped me out of it was that I guess I was kicking the wall. I suddenly felt pain in my foot.
That's was the final straw before medication came into play.
It's been a couple of months since then. Most of my hallucinations have subsided. Most of my ideations are gone. But now I am facing something else instead.
I am depressed. More depressed than I have ever been. I am having dissociative habits. I don't care. I don't want to care. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to have sex, I don't want to eat.. I don't want to exist. I am having trouble enjoying anything.
I am resentful, angry. Beyond exhausted and I don't want to try anymore. I am having suicidal thoughts on a very regular basis. Almost daily.
I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be unstuck. I hate every holiday because all I can think about is how lucky everyone else is that they have their babies and how I wish they would leave me alone so I could go back to sleep.
What did you do to start getting better? What has helped you? I am at a loss. Part of me does want to be better. I can't rot like this.