Slide back with psychosis

[Mamadubois22]

I had postpartum psychosis for 10 months. I'm still paranoid and I had a set back. Everything was timed perfectly. I heard a thudding noise so I assumed my daughter was up. I went to look and she was still asleep. The moment I shut her door I hear a faucet turning. She has washer and dryer hook ups in her bedroom. I freaked out cause I thought the demons in my head were back. Well...it was my husband outside going into the shed then he went around to turn the outside faucet on which both the shed and hose is right next to my daughter's bed room. Now, all day, I have been scared out of my mind. Has anyone else had slide backs or am I not cured???

[Revans86 Volunteer]

Hi Mamadubois22,

Sorry to read your worry today. And sorry too that you had PP like I did. I had it in December 2016, luckily accessing treatment quite quickly including an MBU admission. It’s a horrid horrid illness isn’t it, and I’m sorry you had it so long, 10 months. You’re a very brave Mummy.

I’m sure / hope your health professionals have reassured you, that PP is a temporary illness and with the right treatment and support you can make a full recovery. Are you still in touch with any health professionals? It’s good to talk these things through as I hope they too can offer reassurance.

Your post so resonated with me as I had a few similar moments to those you’ve describe.

One was when I heard voices in the bathroom at home whilst brushing my teeth. I had to check with my husband if he could hear them, and low and behold it was the neighbours in their garden chatting. I did this many many times in my early days back home. Essentially doubting myself.

Another was when Ewan the dream sheep (cuddly sheep) started playing his lullaby... I was worried it was me. But it was my little boy who had actually found the sheep and was playing with it. I was horrified by the sound of the lullaby, but I’m ok with it now!

I can totally empathise though, I felt moments of pure terror at times like that thinking oh no, I’m poorly again. In time, those feelings really did lessen, and go for me.

Rest assured you’re doing everything right. It’s ok to check in with your husband. I think it’s probably only normal to have worries like this when your mental compass / reality (I always struggle to describe it) has been shifted so much as it is with PP. It’s bound to take a while to get that trust back in yourself.

But it can and does come! I’m no longer checking with my husband for the slightest odd noise. I now worry when it’s suspiciously quiet as my 2.5 year old is no doubt up to mischief!!

Sending my best

R xxxx

[Mamadubois22 in reply to Revans86]

I can definitely relate to this. Thank you. It's really difficult to get passed. How long did it take you before you were able to live a normal life again? I'm going to call today to get help

[Revans86 Volunteer in reply to Mamadubois22]

Hi Mamadubois22,

How are you doing today? I hope you’ve had a less unsettling day. Did you manage to phone your health professional all?

You asked how long it took. I have to be honest and say it’s different for everyone I imagine, as no experience of PP is ever the same. I don’t remember a specific day that I didn’t doubt myself in terms of PP. The more time that past, gradually it got better. I just had to rebuild my confidence gradually.

Perhaps in time you might be able to access counselling if you’ve not already. I found that helped me in my situation anyway. Just a thought. I think everyone needs space to chat, but especially after such a trauma as you’ve been through.

Take care. Happy to listen here if it helps. X

[RachelK_at_APP Moderator]

I think when memories are brought back it can be difficult because you have this fear of getting ill again.

A few months back I had a dream where I was in hospital again and was being restrained again and it brought back all sorts of memories and I woke up upset and worried I would get ill again.

However after a day or so I was fine and no symptoms came back.

It can just be a worry, do you still have a care coordinator/consultant you can talk to?

[Mamadubois22 in reply to RachelK_at_APP]

I am going to call them today. It's nice to know others have gone through the same thing and pushed through. I'm sorry you had to go through that too

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Mamadubois22

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. I hope you have been able to talk to your care team about your worries. I think there are ups and downs to recovery and as you can see from the good shared experiences here, you are definitely not alone. Take your time to be well and try to rest as much as you can. We are all here to talk. x

[louise4]

I think it's a little like flashbacks of moments of PTSD. I get them too. I can hear babies crying when there are none or dogs barking when it's silent. Then you panic that you're not free of the psychosis. But I think it's just our brain being triggered by something traumatic we went through? Xx

[Hazello Volunteer]

Hi Mamadubois22,

I think that what others have said sounds true, that you're fearful of having psychosis again so having memories or moments where you doubt yourself. However, have faith that actually being ill with psychosis means you are not able to ground yourself in reality, which it sounds like you were able to do really quickly. And although it gave you a shock I feel that the fact you have insight into and question the "out of place" thoughts suggests how well you are.... if that makes sense.

I too felt a lack of trust in my own perceptions, thoughts and feelings for some time after having PP. I am much better now but whenever I was stressed and started to get insomnia I would be convinced that the insomnia was the beginning of me getting "ill" and would go on to medication again. Now I get insomnia still but am not so stressed about it as after 3 years I have come to trust that insomnia is just that, insomnia, and won't necessarily lead on to me being seriously unwell.

Not the same thing at all, but I have hallucinations quite frequently as I'm falling asleep, they began when I was pregnant the first time and happened very very frequently when i was on anti-psychotic medication. I am pregnant again and sometimes get these "hypnogogic" hallucinations (which means they occur as you are falling asleep) and sometimes I am very distressed by them. They're like dreams that break in to my waking moments, so I start waking up but with this conviction that there is something in my room and then I can see it. Often it's only putting the light on that will convince me that there is no puppet/ tortoise/ child in my room! However I just mention this because i think seeing and hearing things that are not there are actually a normal part of life it's just that we see if differently because we've been so affected by having psychosis and by being so unwell. There will be a time when you will not be so distressed by these experiences, in the future.

Thinking of you

Hazello

[Mamadubois22 in reply to Hazello]

That sounds terrifying what you went through. I'm so sorry. I really hope one day I won't experience those things anymore. I hope one day you won't too

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hello Mamadubois22, I am sorry you are feeling uneasy, it is such a distressful thing to mistrust your senses sometimes. But I think confidence in yourself is getting build up little by little everyday. As traumatic and devastating as ppp is as an illness, I like to remember what my psychiatrist once told me, that this illness strikes for a relatively short period of time when you put it in the context of your life and the life of your children. Hope you are feeling better each day, and we are all here for each other, so don't hesitate to post when you need to.