My story. It is possibly triggering, hard to read and long.. But it needed to come out.

[Innana]

So. I don't really know where to start with this. So Ill just give a backstory.

This year on July 1st I was 19 weeks and 5 days pregnant and went into preterm labor with my daughter, Junie. She lived for 2 hours and 12 minutes and did not make it. The doctors wouldn't put her on oxygen or do anything to help her. I was told she was too small to try to save and that it would only cause more trauma. I was told I would only get 5 minutes with her.. And I am so grateful for the time I got. So much more than they estimated.

About a month went by full of nothing but crying, jumping awake in my sleep, holding onto my SO. Going on midnight shopping trips to get out of the house and having another meltdown in the middle of it. We didn't leave eachothers side at all for at least two weeks.

Then he started going out more. Started drinking and leaving me at home alone. He'd be gone for HOURS. Leaving me to sit with my thoughts. That's when everything started to go downhill even more. I started to think that there were demons in the house. That a demon killed my daughter. That there were sirens and other creatures living in my bedroom. I was terrified of my bedroom for two months. I at some point started to believe I had superpowers. That I could defeat these evil things. That I could control the ocean. That I could control the weather. My ideations where out of this world. Sometimes they still get in my head.

Fast forward about 2-3 months of this. I'm at work pretending everything is okay, because I have an unhealthy gnat for doing this to myself. I go to the bathroom, at work. I look into the mirror, and my worst episode to date happens. Or at least the most memorable one. I got stuck in the mirror. My face was literally turning into all of the evil things I had spent so long being afraid of. Then my face gets ashy and two more of me appear in the mirror and mock me. I start to die. Then suddenly everything is chanting at me. The faces in the mirror, the walls. Everything in my surroundings. And what eventually snapped me out of it was that I guess I was kicking the wall. I suddenly felt pain in my foot.

That's was the final straw before medication came into play.

It's been a couple of months since then. Most of my hallucinations have subsided. Most of my ideations are gone. But now I am facing something else instead.

I am depressed. More depressed than I have ever been. I am having dissociative habits. I don't care. I don't want to care. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to have sex, I don't want to eat.. I don't want to exist. I am having trouble enjoying anything.

I am resentful, angry. Beyond exhausted and I don't want to try anymore. I am having suicidal thoughts on a very regular basis. Almost daily.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be unstuck. I hate every holiday because all I can think about is how lucky everyone else is that they have their babies and how I wish they would leave me alone so I could go back to sleep.

What did you do to start getting better? What has helped you? I am at a loss. Part of me does want to be better. I can't rot like this.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Innana

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story. I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your precious daughter and have suffered with delusions and depression since. Is your SO supporting you now in seeking help as you have both been through such a traumatic time? Are you in the UK?

The mums on this forum have all recovered, or are in recovery after suffering Postpartum Psychosis. Do you have a similar diagnosis? You will find lots of support and shared experiences of PP here. I had PP many years ago and had frightening delusions which were very hard for my family to understand. With my first PP I was sectioned to general psychiatric care for treatment. During my recovery from my second PP I had what seemed like an endless depression and I can relate to how draining that is. Are you receiving any professional treatment?

I also had treatment for suicidal ideation. If you are in the UK and need to talk to someone The Samaritans are available 24 / 7 at [e-mail] or 116123. I'm not sure if the APP Insider Guides will be helpful or might cause distress, so if you do access the link please take care when reading, i.e. "Recovery after Postpartum Psychosis" and Postpartum Psychosis : A Guide for Partners" at app-network.org/what-is-pp/....

I think as you have been coping with so much you will need lots of support from professionals. Is your GP able to to signpost you for talking therapy or offer treatment for your depression? As soon as I was sectioned my treatment began. It was a slow process but I eventually felt better and fully recovered.

Thank you for having the courage to reach out here. Please try to confide in someone who will listen and get you the help you need. Don't suffer in silence .... there will be help available. If you're not strong enough yourself, perhaps a friend or family member can speak on your behalf to find resources for you?

Take very good care of yourself. We are all here to support you.

[angviolet]

I cant even imagine how that would feel having spent that time with your baby. It's just so awful. I'm so glad you shared your story , it's not easy to say it but it helps. I've been suicidal before too when I was at a really bad point,I'm glad I didn't do it now, at the time I thought it really was the most reasonable option but fighting through it will make you stronger and everyone here on this page is here for you. Lots of love

[Hidden]

Me, too! Innana, I am so sorry for your loss of your baby-daughter. Thank you for sharing your story.

I am not sure where you are, but so pleased that you have found this forum. You have suffered so much and experienced terrible trauma.

I was diagnosed with Post Partum Psychosis in 2010 and sectioned to a psychiatric hospital. I recovered from PPP like all the other mums on this forum.

You mentioned 'medication came into place'. Do you have professional support? Lilybeth has already given you some useful links.

You are not on your own and we are all here to listen...well done for reaching out.

Thinking of you.

x

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Welcome to the forum, I'm so glad you found us. I was so sad to read your story, thanks for sharing. As others have said you have been through so much trauma.

I suffered from depression after PP and felt similar to you, it is a normal response to having experienced psychosis, and you have experienced so much trauma and grief too. I felt completely numb and disassociated from everything too. It is awful, and I know it is hard to believe, but you will slowly recover. I too wondered what support you have? I hope you have regular mental health support, and have been offered counselling?

I'm not sure if you live in the UK, but I also wondered if you may find it helpful to contact a charity for families who have lost their babies, as well as ourselves, if you haven't already? You may find great comfort sharing with others who have been where you are? There are several charities, but one example is 'Aching arms' which was started and run by families affected by baby loss. achingarms.co.uk/

Take care, we are all here for you, thinking of you,

Ellie X

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello Innana

I’m so very sorry for everything you’ve gone through, your loss and grief and the terrifying ordeal that followed.

I can’t imagine what you’ve been through and what you’re going through now but you can get through this - hold on to the part of you that wants to get better, you will recover and happier times lie ahead.

I hope you’re being well supported. We’re all here for you.

Sending you love and best wishes.

Jenny x

[Recoveringmama]

I also felt very depressed after having postpartum psychosis. Each day was so hard to get through during the depression-I felt so numb and would just sit for hours not doing anything and did not care about anything. I too had suicidal thoughts daily that were very tempting to act on. For me the depression after the psychosis was the worst part of the whole experience. I ended up taking an antidepressant medication along with my anti-psychotic medication and it helped so much. I came through the depression and am able to enjoy life again. Just wanted to say there is a way out of the deep depression and that medication was so helpful for me!

[Nara1]

Innana your story really touched me, it must be so hard losing your child. I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how hard that would be to have to cope with. I really hope that things improve for you soon, it sounds like you've been through hell, I hope that means that your suffering is easing and you'll regain some sort of normality, whatever that means, soon. It's hard enough going through pp anyway but I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.

This forum has been a great strength in my own recovery, I'm 8 months in and glad to say things are stabilising, I hope you find this forum equally helpful, everyone here is so kind and helpful and reassuring to each other.

Take care, lots of love to you.

[DEb12W]

Dearest Innana,

Thankyou for sharing and reaching out.

Psychosis, suicidal thoughts, depression I can understand. But you are right that for those of us who have a baby/child to hold it is completely different than only having grief to hold.

I know of 3 other mums who have been through similar experiences. Send me a PM and I can connect you privately? Perhaps through Facebook messenger?

Love and prayers,

LoveDEb