My fiance has PP and wants to leave the MBU but she has been put in there under a section 2 :( how can I convince her to calm down and stay

[Motorcyclewarrior]

I'm currently struggling with my partner having Postpartum physcosis, she gave birth to my son On the 25th of march 2023 and after a complicated labour she started showing PP symptoms, 3 days without sleeping panicking that he wasn't breathing, keep saying I don't know what I'm doing, I can't do this, what does he want, she then started doing this crazy stare and telling my son to shut up when he's crying but he was only 3 days old. She's currently in a MBU and taking antidepressants. She's now improving massively but since yesterday she keeps saying she going home littraly every 10 minutes and now she thinks she can just walk out as she doesn't understand shes been sectioned

[Kat_at_APP Volunteer]

dear Motorcyclewarrior

I’m so glad you have found the forum here - you are definitely in the right place for support at this worrying time.

Huge congratulations on the birth of your son! How is he doing? It must be really hard to be separated from them both at the moment.

PP is such a horrendous illness, as much for the partners as for the women themselves. The good news is that your partner is in the right place, and even though she’s finding it really hard right now, they won’t discharge her until she is ready.

That leaves you in this horrible position of not being able to bring her home when she’s asking you to. I guess, without knowing any of the details, all you can do in those moments is reinforce the message that the consultant and staff are giving her, and reiterate that she is in the most supportive, safest place for her and baby right now. It’s really early days and the course of the illness is quite unpredictable sometimes, so it’s best not to rush to discharge.

The specifics of the section can be discussed with her care team - but also with a patient advocate who ought to be contactable on the ward. Do ask, if it’s not clear who they are, as they might be a helpful person to chat to.

Just wondering if you’ve seen APP’s insider guide for partners? app-network.org/wp-content/...

Hope this is useful. Do please write more if it’s helpful, and I’m sure you’ll get lots of replies from other dads who’ve been through it.

It does get better - hang on in there.

Best wishes to you and your family,

Kat

[Motorcyclewarrior in reply to Kat_at_APP]

Hi KatG,Thank you for such a quick reply it's all so confusing as a few days ago she was so I'll and wouldn't even speak after 3 doses of matazapine (sorry for spelling) she's already so much better and actually sounds like herself, since that 1 suicidal thought right after birth she hasn't had no more (hopefully). My main concern was the memory loss sometimes she just says ,"I don't know" and I'm like honey you already did that earlier but the main things like how many ounces he has and how long between feeds ect she's fine with,

So far she does task such as making bottles, feeding , winding ,bathing him ,changing his clothes and nappies. But she hasn't yet done a nightfeed. Is it normal for her to start to feel normal throughout the process? Looking at some of the other ladies in there who generally look unwell even the nurse gets shocked with how well she can be.

Just wish this nightmare would end 😔

Thank you so much for your time

[Butterfly8701 in reply to Motorcyclewarrior]

Just to say, she is in the right place. It's brilliant she is normal at times and I imagine the meds are slowly working, which is good news! I believe her memory will improve hugely, as time goes on and meds are correct/lowered.

I myself was sectioned and in a MBU in April 2021. My memory was awful and I wasn't coherent for a long time. This was mainly due to the strength of the meds. But, it got much better slowly but surely!

I didn't do a nightfeed for 4 months, there is no pressure, and that's what the nurses are there for

It's great you have found this forum and I hope you have support yourself, so you can be there for your partner and new baby.

Sending Love and light.

[Kat_at_APP Volunteer in reply to Motorcyclewarrior]

Hi there - it is always a privilege to be able to help out here. My husband got a lot of support on the forum himself, when I was unwell.

Psychiatric wards can be strange places, in many more ways than one! Often the illness takes very different forms in different people, so folk can appear quite well when in fact they might be lacking a lot of insight and still having delusional thoughts (for example). Myself I had a very “florid” (got to love that word!) form of psychosis where it was very obvious when I was hallucinating. But gradually, over many weeks, I went from being the most unwell-seeming mum on the ward, to the one that was quite well and up and about and having lots of home visits. Your partner will get there!

It’s fantastic she’s so hands-on with the baby AND that she’s getting support for the nights. Those first few weeks of newborn life are so gruelling, even for perfectly well women, that she should really see the MBU as a haven where she can take advantage of the additional help, so she can focus on recovery and on developing that lovely bond with baby during the day.

Hope this helps - do take care of yourself too, rely on friends and family to help you through this time.

Kat

[MrsJelly]

HI motorcycle warrior

Introduce her to this forum. There are lots of people sharing their experiences on here. I’ve no doubt she would find it reassuring to know she is not the only one suffering .

[MrsJelly]

oh,, and all the best ...

[Motorcyclewarrior]

Thank you everyone for such kind and helpful words she's just spoken to me and said the doctor is on the way around to do her first assessment and she thinks she's getting discharged still, iv tried to explain that she's in the best/safest place for her and my son but she said "I'm better now and I want to come home and I'll tell the doctor that" getting so hard already

[MotherOfBears]

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. I’m not a trained volunteer on here, I’m a woman who had pp last summer. The APP volunteers will give you good advice, but just wanted to say some solidarity. And also hope - you WILL get through this. You WILL come out the other side.

In my MBU (the Bethlem in south London) the staff were very supportive of my partner. Might they be a good place to start? They have seen it dozens of times and believe me, almost everyone asks to leave. I did.

If it helps you to keep posting on here, please do. We are all here because we want to help.

Oh and congratulations on the birth of your baby. Just to emphasise again, you WILL get through this. One day this will be in the rear view mirror. My nurses used to say “nobody lives in an MBU” sort of jokingly - what they meant was everyone gets better with time and support.

You’re in the right place and although it might not feel it now, there is a good side to benign sectioned - it means she is safe

Also, try to avoid Google. It’s too overwhelming. Read the APP materials such as the guide for partners

Thinking of you

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Motorcyclewarrior

I'm so sorry to hear that your partner is in a MBU, and wants to be discharged and get home. My name is Ellie, I'm one of APP's national peer support coordinators, and had postpartum psychosis in 2011 after the birth of my son. Like your partner, I became ill very quickly after he was born, and was admitted to a MBU 3 days after.

On a positive, it sounds like she is slowly getting better, doing a lot for her son etc? As others have said she really will come through this and get better. It is such a trauma for you all. I would suggest you talk to the staff at the MBU about your concerns of her coming home too early, they will be monitoring her closely, and won't want to discharge her too early as well, so you can trust them with their monitoring of her.

I also wanted to let you know that we have partners who can offer you support as well as getting support here. We have several partners who are volunteers, all whose partners had pp, and Simon is our Partners Coordinator, and you can email him at [e-mail]. He works part time so may take a couple of days to reply.

I am so glad you have found us and reached out here, do keep writing here with any questions or concerns, or just to express how you're feeling.

Take care, Ellie

[reg64]

Hello Motorcyclewarrior,

I can completely empathise. My wife is currently in an MBU and whilst she's further along the road she was doing and saying exactly the same as your fiancée. My wife kept packing her bags and trying to climb out of the windows.

The medication will kick in soon and reduce the mania. She sounds like she's actually doing well if she's doing some things for baby already. It's baby steps so don't worry about things like overnight feeds (sleep is just a cure as meds).

They won't let your fiancée leave the ward but she may benefit from going outside, if possible, to feel more 'grounded' and less 'trapped'.

My advice is to:

1. Be there for your fiancée, those visits and company can really help. Take some time off work if you haven't already. You won't be able to focus on anything but her and your baby.

2. (On the contrary) take some "rest days" where you just have some time to yourself. Get out for a walk in the countryside, spend some time with friends, sit and watch films all day. Whatever works for you.

3. Speak to the staff at the MBU about your concerns and what you have witnessed. The staff will be aware but hearing it first hand from what you've witnessed means that they can better treat your fiancée and it makes you feel better. I sat with the Psychologist and said I'm just going to have a but of a breakdown - let it all out and then had a chat with a cup of coffee.

It's the start of a long road but there is a light. Stay positive.

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to reg64]

Hello reg64

Thank you for your reassuring reply to Motorcyclewarrior here.

I hope your wife is making progress in the MBU now .... also that you are continuing to tell it like it is as you too need support on the not so good days.

Take good care of yourself.

[reg64 in reply to Lilybeth]

Thank you. We are aiming for some more home leave this week and the discharge date has been set again (third time lucky?) for not too far away. She's fragile but she's ready to come home now and begin the next challenge.

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to reg64]

Hello reg64

Thanks for taking time out to reply. I hope more home leave goes well and your wife’s discharge date is not too far away. It can be quite an anxious time for you and your wife I think, even though being at home as a family is a relief. I remember feeling fragile but as I gradually built up more trips home, I felt more comfortable being there than in hospital.

I hope you have support around you and the next challenge will be a little easier when your wife is discharged. It’s very hard waiting but from your earlier post you know how important it is to prioritise your own mental health too. Take care and thanks for writing .... we are all here to support each other so please write again if it’s helpful.

[Pikorua Volunteer in reply to reg64]

Hello reg64, your support is so much appreciated talking from dad to dad about your lived experiences. My partner was always on red alert when I was sectioned and it was so tough, looking after a baby without mum. Yes, I always wanted out, but declined more and was then, in a closed unit. My partner was always on the ball communicating with health professionals.

So pleased that your wife is in an MBU and further down the recovery. I was happy when back home in my own sanctuary and with my partner.

I am wishing you well, you and your wife and baby. My son is 12, my partner and I are a strong bond. It is so important to know that there is a shining light at the end of this traumatic experience. Take care! x

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hello Motorcyclewarrior, welcome to the forum and congratulations on the birth of your son in March. I am very sorry your partner is experiencing pp at the moment and is in an mbu at the moment.

I had pp in 2018 after the birth of my daughter, it came very suddenly after the birth and also had to be sectioned. I remember at the beginning not understanding that there was something wrong with me and why I had to stay in hospital. I would pack my bags every day and leave them in front of my room. I think this is very common while suffering from delusions and mania.

I can imagine it is a whirlwind at the moment, it sounds like your partner is making big strides so early on her recovery, do not worry about night feeds, it is vital that she rests and gets enough sleep every night. Do let her know you are there for her, and that she will recover fully, it is a long process but there is light at the end of it.

Take good care, we are all here for answering questions or a chat whatever you feel like

[Creativeyellow]

Hi there. How is she doing?

It sounds like she is maybe fluctuating between well periods where she feels like she would be fine at home, but then the MBU have her best interests at heart too and only section when it's absolutely necessary.

I was in an MBU with my daughter 2 years ago after her being in NICU for 13 days. I also struggled with thoughts about her not breathing or waking up etc, especially during the night when I would try and get a bit of rest myself. This lead to me not sleeping at all for 3 or 4 days which trigger PPP.

I also tried to leave on my first night in the MBU but thankfully the staff talked me round after that I started to trust them a little more, slowly.

It's great that she is doing the feeds well and knowing the amounts etc. This is something I personally struggled with myself for the first couple of weeks in the MBU. This sounds like a really positive step.

I'd recommend being calm and explaining why she is there and that they are looking after her and the baby until she is doing better. I didn't really have someone explain exactly what was going on to me and I think this would of helped with the confusion I was feeling at the time, as in my head I was well so I didn't understand why I was there.

All the best and lots of well wishes!

[Motorcyclewarrior]

Hi everyone thank you so much for your kind words and comments. Yesterday the consultant let her have 1 week leave so she could come home last night was abit of a struggle as the matazapine makes her very drowsy which left me to do my first nightfeed which may I say is very draining, she has woke up this morning and is alittle depressed as she doesn't feel like she's doing enough, but like I said he's a baby and they are quite boring at this stage

I'm having my mother come up tonight to help with the nightfeeds as this morning I was so tired. Hope you are all well and any tips or tricks for nightfeeds would be very helpful

[Maria_at_APP Moderator in reply to Motorcyclewarrior]

Hello Motorcyclewarrior, it is very positive that she has been given 1 week leave by the consultant. I am sorry to read that she is feeling like she is not doing enough, I felt similarly in the first few months of my daughter's life, but you are quite right that babies do not give us much feedback at the beginning. That doesn't mean she is not doing all the right things for him at the moment. Some simple games like moving your head from side to side while talking to him and seeing baby following your movement is as interesting as it gets in terms of play. They also like twinkly lights, at least mine did. These are small ideas to perhaps involve your fiancée into the play with baby, so that it doesn't feel like it is all work. Baby massage is also a good one, maybe check if there are some courses online as it could be easier to attend for your wife?

Night feeds can be ever so tiring, a flask is something that me and some friends have used and that helps to shorten the time to prepare feeds, boil a kettle before going to bed and fill up the flask, it will hopefully mean baby will be less worked up by the time they have a bottle and will settle down again easier.

I hope tonight goes well with the help of your mum, it is a very good sign that your partner is sleeping well, do take good care you both

[Twobabies Volunteer]

Dear Motorcyclewarrior, Congratulations on the birth of your son. Ppp is a very horrible illness but it’s super that your wife is in an MBU, that she can do lots of the baby care and that she is much improved! I had Ppp in 2018 and also felt frustrated at times when I felt better and had to hear that my freedom was limited by section. It’s wonderful that your wife was permitted one weeks leave that is massive and they would not permit that if they did not think she was ready. In terms of your worry about explaining the section to her / her accepting the situation I wondered if it might be helpful for you to get support with any of these conversations that you find hard, sometimes it coming from the medical team can be better as you can be more the support/ your wife’s advocate than the one giving her news she doesn’t want. If she says there is particular member of staff she feels she trusts and relates to having a chat with them alone first might help. It’s very encouraging your wife has been permitted the leave and it suggests the medical team really listening to her and what she thinks is best. Great you have your mum to help with night feeds! Night care is tough!! Sounds like you are being an amazing rock for her, do as others have said get support for yourself, all this is very stressful and exhausting. You will all get through this. Sending love to you all.

[Simon_at_APP APP]

Hi Motorcyclewarrior,

I'm glad you found our forum and have had some great replies already. I work part time with Ellie at APP.

My wife had pp many years ago and I found it a real shock and struggle to know what to do at times; the first few weeks can be really tough. My wife fully recovered but the journey to recovery was a very up and down road, it felt like 2 steps forward and 1 back!

I used to try and get some time to speak to the consultant at the MBU to talk through what was going on and to be able to ask some of my numerous questions, the staff were great.

Sometimes I didn't know what to do or say and was just there, but much later on found out how important my visits had been to my wife and little 'un.

It's great to see that your partner has been given some home leave and also that your mum was coming over to help you too. How have the last few days been?

It is always easier to say than done but really important to look after yourself too and if you can find some downtime doing something you enjoy, for me it was getting out on the bicycle for an hour!

In terms of the APP partners, I've added a little extra info below:

The APP Partner's guide link, it was put together after speaking with partners of pp - app-network.org/wp-content/...

Also if at some point you'd like to chat to another partner with lived experience, we can link you to one of our partner volunteers.

There's also a virtual partner café, on the 3rd Wednesday of each month (except December) from 20:00 to 21:00, for partners of women who have experienced pp, a chance to catch up with other partners who've been there.

Take care and best wishes.

Simon

[Naomi_at_app Volunteer]

Hi Motorcyclewarrior

Just thinking of you, your fiancee and baby son over this Easter weekend.

Did she and baby go back to the MBU for the weekend or are you at home together?

Please know that these first periods of leave can feel really overwhelming, and it's not the way life will always be.

It can be a good idea to chat to the staff together about how it's gone - the good and the difficult parts as they can support you with a plan for discharge that works for you all.

I'm not sure how much you've had explained by staff about the community perinatal team but in most areas of the UK these teams can stay involved for up to 2 years if families need it, so you won't have to cope alone especially in the early days.

Take care and feel free to chat to us here any time.

Naomi

[Motorcyclewarrior]

Hi All,hope your all having a great bank holiday. Things unfortunately didn't got to plan and 2 days ago my fiance was taken back to The MBU again as she dipped massively and couldn't cope at home. Upon her arrival back she was in alot of pain and was given short leave to got to the hospital next door to find her stitches have got infected she is also now on 2 different kinds of antibiotics and they have doubled her antidepressants to see if that helps her. She been very upset and still wants to come home but I know she's really not well enough to come home also she's still under section.

I'm gutted to see her suffering and not being able to do anything other then reassure her that she's in the right place even though yesterday she asked if I could take my son home and could she be transferred to some where were she could be alone which was so upsetting, after hours of trying to convince that she will get better and she needs her son with her she stopped asking. Also yesterday near the end of my 7 hour visit I asked her what time shall I come tomorrow which she replied "I don't want you to come tomorrow:(" I'm finding this devastating but I have to keep strong for them both. I have tried to message her this morning but no reply so not sure where I stand unfortunately.

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hello Motorcyclewarrior,

I am sorry to read that the home leave did not went as planned. I am so sorry that her stitches got infected, that sounds very painful for her and a lot to cope with on top of everything.

My experience of the first home leave was not so different. I was going to have overnight leave only but I ended up staying at home for only an hour. The security of the MBU was just what I needed at that time. It will not be like this all the time, slowly she will find her confidence and independence back. It may feel like a step back at the moment, but recovery can be very up and down, like someone said to me once it is a marathon and not a sprint.

I also said quite a few hurtful things to my husband when I was unwell, it is part of the illness. My interaction with my husband and brother changed from moment to moment, and that can be very difficult to deal with. Do let her know you are there for her, while also respecting her wishes. It is tricky to balance all that, but if your wife does not want to see you one day, talk to the named nurse and get an update of how her day has been.

Take really good care, I just wanted to leave you with a message of hope that she will get better for sure, and you will be together some time soon as a lovely new family.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi Motorcyclewarrior

Thanks for writing and letting us know how things have been for you and your fiancé. I’m sorry to read that she was taken back to the MBU as she wasn’t coping and also has an infection.

I had PP twice many years ago, before MBUs, so was admitted to mixed general psychiatric care. I can understand your fiancé finding it hard to cope as I was allowed home at first for one night, then progressing if all went well. Although I wanted to go home, when I got there I found it very overwhelming, like a fish out of water. There was so much more to think about than being in the ‘sanctuary’ of the hospital environment. So perhaps your fiancé realised it was a step too far, too soon, to cope with your precious newborn, medication and routine as well as being in pain from the infection.

I think it’s very early days in your fiancé’s recovery and she’s fighting to be well for you and your son. It is hard for partners to stay strong but eventually your fiancé will recover with the specialist care she is receiving in the MBU. Try not to take hurtful comments to heart, things are said in the heat of the moment and not meant. I know I said a few things .....

I hope by now you have been able to speak to your fiancé or find out from the unit how she is today. Perhaps you could take a comfort blanket or something from home for your fiancé to keep with her during her stay. Being by her side is all you can do and reassuring her as you have been that she will get better.

For now, I hope your mum is supporting you, although it’s difficult for everyone. Keep talking about how you are feeling to friends and family so that you are not isolated. We are all here to listen and support you.

Congratulations on the birth of your son and best wishes to your fiancée. Take good care of yourself.

[Kat_at_APP Volunteer]

Dear Motorcyclewarrior

I’m so sorry to read that your partner’s home leave didn’t go so well. I think it’s great that she gave it a go, but perhaps it was a bit early in her recovery. As others have said the MBU is a real sanctuary and the transition home to full-time caring responsibilities can be tricky to navigate. I was in the MBU for over 6 weeks before my first visit home. It then built up really gradually from then, until I was discharged after around 12 weeks.

But knowing when we are “ready” is really tricky. I was very reluctant to leave but on the morning of my planned visit home I got a spurt of motivation and it went well. It could just as easily gone the other way. In terms of what can help your partner now, I would be giving her lots of reassurance and positive affirmations - look how well you got baby into his car seat, I love the way he calms down in your arms, you are doing so well. You get the idea!! Small steps are huge strides in PP recovery. So acknowledge everything, and don’t be too worried (easier said than done!) when she goes through days where she would rather not spend time with you. Perhaps on those days you could take baby for a walk on your own, spend some precious time bonding together, and give your partner that space she’s needing. It’s all part of the illness and recovery process, as hard as it is to deal with at the time.

I remember really vividly asking one of the nurses if I could be transferred to a “more acute” ward (ie without my baby). Her response was that actually I was in a very acute ward and that the MBU is equipped for even very unwell mums. I take comfort now from knowing that me and my son were kept together throughout my illness. So again just lots and lots of reassurance to your partner that she’s in the right place. And if she feels she needs more support with baby, do just speak to staff. They are all really adept at supporting mums build up their confidence. I remember being so flummoxed by things like putting together the pram, bathtime, getting my son into his snow suit etc etc. But everyone was so helpful and I got there eventually!

Hope this is helpful. Keep on keeping on, one foot in front of the other, and you will have your family reunited before you know it.

Take good care of yourself,

Kat

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Hello Motorcyclewarrior,

I can so very much resonate with your situation and I am so pleased that you have found this forum for support. Mums and dads already have given some great advice & info on this thread. My partner did a lot of research whilst I got ill. I was mis diagnosed at the time and my partner had to convince the mental health team that I was seriously ill. APP was just at its infant stages. I was sectioned in a mixed gender hospital.

The MBU is the best place for your partner. Unfortunately we have not had the chance when I got poorly, a bed was offered up North and we are located down South. I am so pleased that your partner and baby are together with the appropriate health professionals in this expert field.

When I was in the open unit I always sat in front of the doors and wanted out, but in the long run my health was declining and I had to spend another 2 months in a closed unit.

The transition from hospital to home environment takes a bit of time...I had a few weeks of integration phases, first just little outings and then a day and then increased to 2 days. When in my own home sanctuary I gradually was improving. My partner was my full time carer for 6 months and gradually processed back into work.

The after care was much better. We had a health visitor, care co-ordinator, GP, Psychiatrist etc. Please, do not shy away and ask for help such as carers support, community contacts for MH, counselling etc. My partner took the opportunity of therapy sessions via the company/union.

I believe a support network is of vital importance for partners and dads, I am pleased that APP developed help where you can be in touch with other dads. My partner was pretty much on his own. We did not know of anybody with PPP in our region. I found APP many years later. Luckily my partner's parents were extremely helpful and looked after the baby from time to time when I was in hospital and continued supporting us throughout recovery.

Once your partner is improving it would be great for her to have this forum link in order to exchange lived experiences. I felt so terribly lonely for many years, not having anybody to share compassion with.

Please, be kind to yourself. My partner experienced so much, bottled up so much and when the lid was full many years later he suffered with PTSD. The problem is that life goes on and when in crises a lot of other triggers may occur, not necessarily linked to direct cause of PPP, which may affect your well being. Be kind and gentle to yourself.

Wishing you so much inner strengths, dads like you are pretty amazing. My partner and I got so much stronger throughout the years. You and your partner will be fine, too.

x

[reg64]

I hope today goes better for you. Think of the (unsuccessful) home leave as a but of a trial. It didn't work this time but that isn't to say that it won't further down the line. In these early stages, perhaps go for a walk with your fiancé in the hospital grounds or have a few hours together near the hospital. Sometimes even that will be too much and your fiancée may be best to be alone for a bit.

Sleep is the key I've found. My wife managed 2 weeks without any meaningful sleep. How that is possible goodness only knows. To help her with this it may be that she has no visitors and with regards to baby the nursery staff will look after them. The bonding can come later.

With regards to infection, my wife had recurring uterus and urine infections for around 4 weeks after giving birth in February. This made her just as poorly as the PPP. Not helped by her refusing medication on some days too. Best advice here is to encourage her to take the antibiotics and speak to the staff if you think there's more that needs to be done, especially as the doctor who looks at the physical side if things likely won't be on the ward every day. I sat with my wife when they wanted to have a look 'down there'. I think without my encouragement she would never have felt safe enough to allow it.

Give your fiancée the space for a day or two. Ring the ward and get an update from the staff instead of contacting her directly if that isn't working. I'd also ask if you can speak with her when you call. It isn't her saying those horrible things, it's the illness. Apparently I've done all sorts of unthinkable things (as have the staff) but on a good day all is forgotten. And you will get more good days than bad in time.

Another bit of advice whilst she's on the section. Ask for an advocate. They will be able to help your fiancée too and ensure her needs are being met.

[Naomi_at_app Volunteer]

Hi Motorcyclewarrior

How are things with you, your fiancée and your baby son?

I hope it's been reassuring to hear from other dads that you're not alone - and that things do get better despite how devastating it all feels in these early stages.

I know my husband found it helpful to phone the ward a few evenings a week. This helped him on the days when I couldn't face him visiting, or he was too exhausted to visit - just to get a regular picture from the staff of how I was feeling during the day. As a mum in hospital, often your partner can get the brunt of how scared and helpless you are feeling - whereas the staff who are with you all day often see times where you're resting, and beginning to try small things with your baby.

We're all rooting for you and your new family - feel free to write any time you need to vent or want to ask anything at all.

Naomi x

[Twobabies Volunteer]

hi motorcyclewarrior, like everyone here I’m sorry to hear home visit didn’t go as hoped and having the bad infection I can only imagine would be truly horrible on top of everything else. I’m sorry things are so difficult for you right now, it’s incredibly hard and not at all what any new parents had envisioned. I know when I was unwell with pp I didn’t trust my partner and that was part of my delusions . It was very hard on him. In addition I also asked if my baby daughter could leave the MBU and go to my parents (who moved in with my partner to help), as I had trouble trusting all staff on the MBU ward and believed that my daughter would be safer at home with my own mum and dad (and partner). Part of my psychosis was that some staff where working to steal babies. My point is unfortunately while your wife is very unwell her behaviour and what she says might will likely stem from the illness. My daughter did stay on the MBU with me and and I settled my safety concerns for her in my psychotic state with the fact that there were many staff I did trust on the ward and they would help protect her. And in time the psychosis went away and I was very happy to have my daughter there and it’s helped a lot in longer term to know we were together. It all takes time and there are many reasons for what might be seen as odd statements or behaviour. You are dealing with a lot, try as hard as it is to see things as illness talking and as impossible as it might seem not take things personally. Get all the support you can for yourself. Your wife will get better. For now deep breaths, respect her wishes and if you think it might be useful see if you could speak to nurse about your experiences of what your wife saying to you etc. She will appreciate you being with her throughout. You are doing a great job in extremely difficult times. It will pass. We’re all sending you and your wife and family our best wishes. Take care you got this xx

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Thinking of you! I hope you have support, too. It takes a lot of energy and mental strengths and familiarising yourself with challenges you may have not experienced before. You are pretty amazing, like so many dads who pulled through these difficult times.

It is extremely exhausting having to look after a baby and a wife/partner who is poorly. My partner tried to visit me daily and taking care for baby and/or being cared for whilst he was focusing on me.

As I mentioned before, I did not want to stay in the psychiatric hospital. Whilst your wife has PPP you may feel out of your depths as her change of character is due to this traumatising illness.

My partner constantly communicated with members of staff and was quite often awkward, when I received " inappropriate care ". I am so pleased that your wife and all other women who suffer with this PPP can now access MBU's.

It is important to gain as much help as possible for transition process from MBU to home...and find out who else can step in to make life easier with the integration process when wife is gradually settling back home.

There has been quite a big team when I was properly released. (care, coordinator, GP, health visitor, Psychiatrist my partner worked as a team in order to help and support my recovery)

As always take good care and all in stepping stones.

[Motorcyclewarrior]

Hi All,Once again thank you for your wishes and comments currently my partner is much better and the infection had now passed with an intense course of antibiotics. She is also on a low dose of Lorazepam to help calm her throughout the day. Her mood has now improved and the doctor has prescribed her 8 hours leave so she can come home for the day and return on the nighttime back to the MBU. Or though she wasn't happy with the decision as she wanted to be discharged I have reassured her that this is the right decision and she needs to show them she is loads better by returning and not stop refusing to return on the night. After her first 8 hours out she became really tired so she went back without a struggle but she keeps saying she doesnt want to go back.

It's great that I can see her becoming her normal self again and caring for our son brilliantly. She has completed so many tasks while in there aswell but she's worring about the nightfeeds still as she's still not done any. I'm currently waiting for her to come back for her Sunday dinner before I drop her back at 9pm tonight so wish me luck once again thanks everyone for helping me with this long journey 🙏

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi Motorcyclewarrior

So happy to read your positive update and glad that your partner is making great progress in her recovery with your reassurance and care. It must be hard for you too when she return to the MBU with your son but I hope she can see it’s for the best, so that she can eventually be helped to do nightfeeds and not be worried. Good luck later 😊

We are all privileged to share the journey and are here for you. Please remember to take care of yourself too.

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hello Motorcyclewarrior,

This is such a good update, I am glad she is taking it in stepping stones. I hope you have a lovely Sunday dinner together.

The night feeds are not the priority at the moment, if you can reassure her of that. The medication I was on made me very sleepy so I was not able to care for baby at night, even when I was well enough to do everything for her during the day and cook dinner for the mums once a week. I hope with some help from the staff she will be able to do it at some point, but do let her know she does not have to worry if it doesn't happen.

Will be thinking of you, do look after yourself and take some time off for you too, recovery can take some time, and it can be very draining on partners.

[Naomi_at_app Volunteer]

Hi Motorcyclewarrior

Thank you so much for taking the time earlier today to write - it's so great to hear that you are seeing your fiancée's mood improving and her confidence returning. It's so lovely that you wrote about how brilliantly you see she's caring for your son. You are doing such an amazing job as a dad and partner, talking openly about being patient with getting back home for recovery and spending time doing those normal home life things like Sunday dinner.

I hope the transition back to the MBU was OK this evening - I know it can be the worst feeling when you have to leave. Give yourself loads of compassion, you're both doing great.

Naomi

[Kat_at_APP Volunteer]

Hi Motorcyclewarrior - great to read your update. That all sounds really positive.

Just wanted to add, in regards to the night feeds, that this is something you could speak to the MBU staff about. They have a lot of experience in newborn care and to be honest they basically trained my son to sleep through the night by the time I was finally discharged. Every baby is different but with ours we would do the bath/ feed / good night routine at around 7pm and then after a few hours to ourselves we would give him a “dream feed” at around 11pm when we went to bed. This feed was really quick and quiet - just pick him up, bottle in mouth, wind him a little bit and put him back down in his cot. He would barely open his eyes! But he would then sleep on peacefully until about 7.30am… This routine worked so well for us all that we didn’t drop the dream feed until he was about 18 months old.

I don’t mention this to many new parents as it makes me sound quite (very?!) smug, but I figure after the hell of PP I was due a break and it came in the form of a very easy baby!

Hope this helps,

Kat

[reg64]

You'll build up slowly from the 8 hours. Dropping your fiancée off will be the worst bit for all of you but it's 'for the best'.In relation to the night feeds. Echoing what others have said, this isn't top of the priority list. That said, my wife was determined with this - and everything else in all honesty - which appears to be a cause of the illness and, conversely, getting better. Suggesting she does doing some shadowing with the staff or the last feed before bed and first thing in the morning are good first steps.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Motorcyclewarrior

I hope you are well.

Just wondering how your partner is and whether she might be discharged soon as she was making such good progress. Take care .. thinking of you.