Hi all! So I’ve been doing really well since my psychosis in November 2023. I still see a psychiatrist regularly as well as a therapist and will continue to do so for awhile, especially because my husband and I plan on having another baby soon.
I thought I rationally processed the trauma of PP a long time ago but then recently a weird thing happened. I’m in the US and last week there was a news story about a young mother in the state of Wyoming who struggled with mental health issues and took the life of her four daughters and then herself. (It’s unclear whether she had PP and sounded more like undertreated PPD; but regardless the outcome was very tragic) It was all over the news here. I didn’t read the details of the story because they were too distressing for me - but it was unavoidable. The headlines and the pictures were all over social media and the news.
The next day I had imagined an awful scenario - like omg that could’ve been me… if my PP was missed - a tragedy could’ve happened to my family. And I had an image pop up in my head of doing harm to my own daughter. I pushed the thought away immediately because it was clearly my mind just giving me my worst fear because I was triggered by the news story. I want to be clear that I’m not having any other mood symptoms or hallucination or delusion or depression or anything like that. This was an anxious and fearsome unwanted image. Kind of like if you’re standing on a bridge or a cliff and you fearfully imagine someone pushing you or you tripping and falling off.
I pushed it away. But the next day when I saw a picture of my daughter on the phone it happened again. I imagined the worst thing happening to her. (And I was the perpetrator) I googled “intrusive thoughts” and read that after having PP it’s very common to have intrusive thoughts around harming the baby - even though the individual will never ever act on them. However if it’s not managed this can grow into OCD - Postpartum Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
These images aren’t constant or anything and they are not conflicting with my quality of life (yet) I’m able to push them away and rationalize them as fears. However I definitely want them to stop the sooner the better.
I have a therapist appointment coming up this Monday and will discuss this with my therapist.
I can sort of understand having intrusive thoughts immediately after PP but why did I get so triggered by this news story and why am I having these intrusive thoughts now?
Did anyone experience something similar? How long did it take for it to go away?
Rachel_APP has previously posted a link from CharityMind on intrusive thoughts and I’ve read it which was helpful. I obviously just don’t want it to get worse and grow into some sort of obsessive thinking pattern.
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I’m very sorry to hear about the news story you’ve referred to, and the upsetting thoughts it seems to have triggered for you since.
I think it’s a good idea to discuss this with your therapist on Monday, and it’s good that you recognise the thoughts for what they are and can push them away.
Even though more time has passed and you’ve processed a lot of the trauma of PP, I don’t think it’s surprising that such a tragic story would evoke a strong response - I’m sorry it’s been such a distressing one for you though. I think when we’ve been through something as severe as PP, we’re all too aware that our story could have ended very differently. I’m sure that hearing about cases that have ended in tragedy, whether it’s because of PP or other postnatal (or indeed other) mental illness, affect us deeply because of our own experiences. I imagine there are a lot of complex reasons and emotions behind how we receive and process (and react to) that kind of information. Hopefully your therapist will help you to understand the ‘why’ and offer you some reassurance or indeed support if it’s needed.
Be kind to yourself always and do something nice for yourself this evening if you can.
Hello Jenny, thanks so much for your response. I know those kind of stories are pretty distressing but I definitely didn’t expect such a triggering and negative response.
I will be surely discussing this with my therapist. I’ve read how to deal with intrusive thoughts online and try not to form compulsive habits and push them away but just let them happen and eventually they’ll go away. It’s happening less now but sometimes it still happens.
I’m glad I have support from this group. Thank you
I hadn't heard this story, surprisingly. I know it would've caught my eye, but I've been trying to keep a light touch on the news, as it's so upsetting on a daily basis. I am struggling with so much fear, I am starting to wonder if it might be paranoia. I'll make a separate post so I don't take up yours.
But I do very much identify with how you are reacting to this story. In the year after I got PP, a very similar story happened, about a woman in Texas named Andrea Yates. She came to believe that her children were going to hell unless she killed them, and she drowned all five of them in a bathtub one day. It was postpartum psychosis, and instead of getting medical treatment, a pastor convinced her that she just needed to pray more. Her children died because of it. She is in a Texas prison to this day, and knows what she did. It has to be hell on earth. When I heard that story, I was absolutely floored. I realized then how close I had come to that being me. I never seriously considered harming my children, but I was psychotic enough by the time I was hospitalized that it could have happened that way, had the wrong person influenced me like that. It scared the living crap out of me, when I realized the extent of how wrong this disorder can go. I was very, very upset by that.
Now that you've recognized it, you can meet with your therapist and talk, and process. I don't really have any advice for it, except to look it in the face, recognize it for what it is, and then figure out how to let it go so it doesn't stay in your mind all the time. I understand what you're thinking and feeling very well, for what it's worth; it's very understandable. Be kind to yourself and know you're not alone here.
edit: I went and looked up that story, and it’s very sad. One of the things that strikes me about it is that the woman lives in a rural area of the west - as I also did at the time I got PP. Mental health care in areas like that is so hard to get. I have a good friend who still lives in the area we used to live and she’s trying to get help for her husband right now. I asked her when is their appointment? It’s three months away. That is EXACTLY what happened to me. You can’t wait three months for an appt when you have PP, but there is nothing you can do about it. And that’s why these things happen.
Thank you so much for your response SWC 😉 (SurvivedWithColor) I appreciate being heard and not judged for my fears and anxieties as I do feel you relate to what kind of fears we’ve all must have had at one point or another.
Several months after my PP - after googling PP - the Andrea Yates story came up as it was one of the “famous” ones. I read it and also felt horrified. I had some intrusive thoughts then as well. I then made it a point to not read the details of any stories like that for a long time. Because… truly … it could’ve been any one of us if the treatment wasn’t available or someone convinced us otherwise/not to get it.
I guess I was just surprised at how that new story (Wyoming story) triggered me. But May be it shouldn’t be that surprising given the lingering trauma of PP. You’re right though - I don’t want these fears in my head and I will be discussing this with my therapist on Monday. It’s happening less now than last week as I’ve read several pointers on how to deal with intrusive thoughts/images.
I have also reduced my consumption of the news as like you, the current US climate is very alarming. I have also identified with sometimes feeling paranoid about the future of the country but that’s when I turn off the news - go for a walk or go to the playground with my daughter & try as best I can to focus on what I can control. The end of the next 4 years can’t come soon enough.
I’m sorry to hear about your friends’ husband - it’s awful and unacceptable to wait for mental health help for 3 months. Clearly, as in the case with you years ago (lack of care) or this recent tragedy - it can cost lives. May be he can go to the ER psychiatric department if needed so at least he can get access to medication if needed?
Sending my best wishes to them and to you for your peace of mind. Stay away from the news. It’s bad. Get outside, get a massage. Take care of your physical and mental health and all your loved ones. I will be writing to my local representatives (I’m in FL so don’t know if it’ll make a huge difference) but I will anyway.
My dear EB, I would never, never judge anyone who is a fellow PP survivor for any thought they've had, no matter how bad. I've said to people, "Psychosis makes you into a person you're not." That brain chemistry, and the trauma from it afterward, is so extreme, I truly don't believe anyone who hasn't experienced psychosis can relate. After I read the Andrea Yates story in the newspaper (yes, the printed newspaper, old times), I overheard some women in the hair salon talking about it a day or so later. What I heard them say horrified me almost as much as the story itself. They were calling her a monster for killing her children, and all kinds of negative judgments. In more recent years I've seen similar comments on social media in response to these stories. When I heard that, I realized just how poorly this disorder is understood, and how I, myself, would be judged, if my condition was revealed. It was horrific. All I could think of was, "There but for the grace of God go I." I will never forget it.
I've had a bad week, extremely stressful, and the news is partly to blame. I wrote another post yesterday and then deleted it after I read it, because it was obvious I was really worked up. I'm having knee surgery tomorrow and I'm extremely stressed about that. I think that's affecting me a lot. I had a lot of medical treatment after a surgery last year that didn't go well, and I've got some feelings of trauma from that, too. I don't want to have knee surgery but it's getting to where it's limiting me on a daily basis. I just need to get it fixed. I pray it goes well. Please pray for quick healing. The news, it's just worse and worse every day. It's such a helpless feeling because there's virtually nothing we can do. I read an article today by a guy who said he thought this is the honeymoon phase and when reality hits the economy may crash and burn; there's a chance that something can be saved then because that will hit the disbelievers in the pocketbooks. It breaks my heart to see the hundreds of thousands of people losing their jobs. I know one of them; it was his dream job. The trans community, including a member of our family, is absolutely terrified. They live in fear. I live in fear for them. Some days this fear extends to visions of them being hated so much, they are hunted down and put into concentration camps to be eliminated from society. I know that's borderline paranoia, but that's the kind of stuff in my head these days. I never thought I'd see what's happening now. I've read a lot of history, and this is the worst of history repeating itself. I see people in the media and even people in my own community that I think are capable of that. I grew up wondering how this happened in Europe. Now it is uncomfortably clear to me.
As for my friend who still lives out west, her husband isn't in an acute situation at this time, and his condition is partly dementia related, so it's a bit different than when I had PP. But the three month waiting period... that's just not healthy for anyone needing care. Three months is a LONG time. We ended up having to move away so I could access better care.
It may be a few days until I can get back online, but send positive thoughts. I really need this to go well.
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When will it end?
Auditory hallucinations
Accepting I need help but scared to admit things
