Homesick for another world

[KatMax]

MESSAGE FROM APP ADMINS: This post contains distressing information. If you are feeling vulnerable, do take care if reading this post.

I had Postpartum Psychosis in August 2022, almost 3 months after I had my son Max. It was triggered by a book I read, recommended by my old therapist (MD, PHD), that made me view my parents - who I loved dearly and felt heavily influenced by - in a completely sinister light. It flipped my whole world upside down and then shattered it into irretrievable pieces. I found God in that confusing revelation, and thought he wanted me to kill myself, so I abandoned my moving car and walked into traffic in the middle of the highway with my eyes closed, no shoes.

I was hospitalized for two weeks and heavily medicated afterwards, up until December of 2023 when I told my doctor I was done. Because life was hell on those meds - lithium, olanzipine then lituda, Prozac then zoloft - and it made me question for a long time whether I had actually died; had I been hit by a car and killed, landing myself in hell? I went inpatient two more times for suicidal ideations and depression over the course of the next ten months, which sure seemed like a thing hell would arrange.

Important side note: I started my period as soon as I went inpatient for all three of my hospitalizations.

In December of 2023 I wanted to stay on zoloft while going off lithium (I stopped lituda in November). I was afraid of being totally unmedicated after what happened. And I’d taken zoloft in the past for depression, and knew how well it worked for me. But I was told that an SSRI could possibly trigger psychosis, so I dropped zoloft too.

Life has been infinitely better since I stopped everything; I have more energy to get up early for a morning routine, setting the tone for the day at my shitty job - a job I started right after my third hospitalization, since I couldn’t handle my job as assistant principal at a charter school anymore. I am so grateful for this morning routine of yoga, meditating, and writing before Max is awake, because it shows me that I’m still my own person, and that there is still time for me to dare dream of a brighter future. When I was on all those meds, all I wanted to do was sleep. Sleeping didn’t make me feel better, it just turned off the pain. I slept to stop feeling, which really meant I slept to stop living. I made time for Max, and I went to my job, but other than that it was lights out, especially in the morning when my husband could get Max ready for daycare.

Anyways, it’s March now, and life is still better, richer than it was, but I can feel the depression slowly creeping in; I really did go crazy, I really might be bipolar, I really might be a narcissist whose relationships have all been entirely one sided. I really don’t know who my parents are anymore, or why I started working in education in the first place, or what my childhood was all about, what my siblings really think of me. I can write about this, and I can meditate and show up at my job, I can go to therapy, holistic doctors, and participate in Postpartum Psychosis studies - how exciting that in 2023 people are finally starting to wonder if this is a thing, and if I’m not actually a witch! But to have to just carry on, continuing to advocate for myself in a healthcare system that admits it doesn’t understand me, to show up at work and stare at my computer screen for 8 hours, to be a partner to my husband, and more than anything else to be the very best “good enough” mom I can be while wondering if there’s anything at all I should pass on to Max from my own upbringing, and to just believe that eventually things will get better feels…crazy. Postpartum psychosis has changed and perhaps permanently contorted my soul. I am mourning the loss of my old self while trying to understand who that self even was, and building up a new self that I don’t want to build, but have no choice in the matter, all at once.

How will I not fail?

[Isabella5991]

Just sending you a big hug xxx

Your message was very poetic and beautiful and sad all at the same time. You will find your new self and perhaps be even prouder of this new you for all that you have survived? I sure do. We are warriors and survivors. We’re all here for you 🩷 life gets better again xxx

[KatMax in reply to Isabella5991]

Thank you Isabella. This is the first platform I’ve found where some people actually seem to be on the other side of it, not stuck in it like I am still. I really appreciate your words on encouragement.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello KatMax

Welcome to the forum across the miles 🦋. Thank you for sharing your traumatic experience and suicidal thoughts. I had PP twice, six years apart, over forty years ago when mental health was very much in the shadows and my illness was a family secret, even kept from me!

Similarly, I had suicidal thoughts but look at them now as a cry for help. Thankfully I was given ECT as medication alone wasn’t working which saved my life.

I wonder if you found the forum via Postpartum Support International, postpartum.net and whether contacting them will help you connect with other mums locally? Just to talk to mums who understand is such a relief, and I have been privileged to meet or connect virtually for support here over the years.

It was very difficult for me in those early years of motherhood, trying to make sense of all that happened. The main thing to remember is that it wasn’t your fault and you had no control when PP hit. You will find your place again and in time will be proud of all that you endured for the love of your son and family.

My go to if I’m flat is music and “I’m Still Standing” by Elton John is my rebuke to PP and other songs give me a lift too.

Thanks for writing ... we are all here for each other. PP mums really are amazing 🌹

[KatMax in reply to Lilybeth]

Hi Lilybeth, thank you for your comforting reply, and for sharing. The fact that you survived this twice is just absolutely incredible to me. You are one brave warrior. Music has been such a guiding light for me. I love me some Elton, so I’ll throw that song on today and think of you. Thank you.

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to KatMax]

Thank you so much KatMax for thinking of me. We are warriors in all corners of the world 🌻. I find music is a good positive distraction. Another song I like is “Giant” by Calvin Harris, Rag n Bone Man, especially the chorus ..... “I am a Giant, Stand up on my shoulders tell me what you see ..... “

Please know that you will find your way eventually and I hope if you can connect with PSI they will be there to support you. It’s not easy wearing the “I’m fine” face when you feel anything but. That’s why it’s so lovely to come to this safe space where we all understand each other, without even meeting, to share our unique experiences and be heard 🦋. Thinking of you across the pond ... take care.

[kas1023]

I went through much of what you did . Continue your meds, if needed, and especially your therapy . I feel sure that, in time, you will feel better . I know what a horrible experience this has been for you, but it's probably going to get better . Hugs to you .

[Survivedwithcolor]

My dear Kat,

I’m waking up to your story this morning, also in the US, and feeling surprised, and amazed, because your story is eerily similar to my own. I was a teacher. I was the same age. I became convinced that many things about my upbringing were true. I did not make a serious suicide attempt, but I was about to, and I had the means ready to go. I was actively psychotic when I was hospitalized. I was re-hospitalized many times after that in a horrible fuzz of dealing with medications, jobs, and trying to cope with life.

Unlike you, I had few resources, no knowledge, and no support, other than my dear husband, who did not understand what was happening and was scared out of his mind. I lived in a small rural area and was not treated promptly or properly, because what little research did exist at the time did not fit me as exactly as they thought it should. At the time, PP was said to have onset within 1-2 months. I got depressed immediately after the birth but didn’t start showing psychotic symptoms until a few months later. I was seeing a therapist and she didn’t recognize it. Neither did I. I hadn’t ever been psychotic in my life. I knew what PP was, but I had a bad internet connection, no public library, and no social media feeds. There were only 3 psychiatrists within a 60 minute drive and none of them had appointments available. By the time I was hospitalized after my child quit nursing, the baby was ten months old and it is a miracle I hadn’t made an attempt by then, because I thought about it every waking minute. That was 24 hours a day because I wasn’t sleeping. When I got to the hospital, they decided it probably wasn’t PP because the baby was ten months old. When I didn’t get better immediately, they put me on enough meds to drop a horse, told me I had schizo-affective disorder and that it was permanent. I had to leave my teaching job. I too did a lot of writing, and drawing.

I was kept on antipsychotics for 20 years. Just a year ago I said no more, because my health was wrecked, and discovered that I have no remaining symptoms. I believe I was misdiagnosed, because PP is temporary. Schizo-affective disorder is not. Not one provider I saw back then, including the MD’s and the Ph.D’s, knew what they were looking at. I discovered how little research there is and has never been on PP. More recently I connected with PSI and started finding other women who are survivors. I’m currently in the process of becoming a peer support coordinator for them. I am already so floored by it, I have a feeling it will be taking my life in yet a new direction.

I’m here to tell you that you will not fail, and you will be well, because I am you, 22 years in the future. My life as I knew it died that year, and I had to reinvent it over many years. It wasn’t easy, but I know how to work hard and have done well. I’ve done some professional writing. I took on a new, rewarding career. I raised my two kids and they’re great people. I’ve done a lot of volunteer work. I also got breast cancer and have had to endure treatment and many surgeries. I’ve regained a good portion of my health, although I do have bipolar 2 and I still take a low dose of a mood stabilizer, Lamotrigine. It’s helped tremendously. Time heals a lot, although it doesn’t seem like that now.

Keep doing the things that are healing to you. Do the best you can for your child and your family, but not at the expense of your own healing. Those things will come around. If you’re unhappy in your job, maybe think about ways to do something more fulfilling. Have you read the book What Color is My Parachute? It is a workbook type course that helps you best define your strengths, weaknesses, skills, and desires. It could give you a new direction.

I don’t know where you are but I’m sending you a virtual hug and a big smile because you are already so far ahead of where I was. Well done, you. I wish I had had the courage and the ability to quit those meds earlier on because it would’ve made a difference, I think. I won’t ever know when that point was, but I made it, and so will you.

The PSI motto is “You are not alone. It is not your fault. You will be well.” And that is exactly what I want to say.

[KatMax in reply to Survivedwithcolor]

Thank you so much for sharing your similar story, and for being what seems like on the other side, telling me the water’s fine. I’ve read and reread your line “you will not fail, and you will be well, because I am you, 22 years in the future” several times. It gives me so much hope. I am trying not to lean so hard on family or friends anymore, because it’s understandly overwhelming for them. Catherine Cho, who wrote “Inferno” to capture her (and what feels like my) post partum psychosis experience, recommended this platform to me, and I’m so grateful to be here, and to get a chance to talk with people like you who understand. Thank you.

[Survivedwithcolor in reply to KatMax]

You are so welcome. I was so horribly alone with this for over 20 years, even hearing stories like yours is amazing to me, not in the way that I’m glad you went through it, but in the way that tells me I was not wrong, and I am not alone. I never was. I just didn’t have a way to connect. Now I have found a way, and if there is one positive thing I can do with this, it is to let you know you’re not alone either. I’m as touched by your story as you are by mine.

I’d encourage you not to hide completely from your family and friends, especially the ones you’re closest to. No, they don’t understand and frankly they never will totally understand. No one who hasn’t been through this can understand what psychosis does to your mind. It steals your soul. That’s a hard thing to comprehend. But educate them if they’re willing. Refer them to the PSI website, because there is information and support on there for families. We live in a different state now, but I have one dear friend who knew me during that time and we stay in touch. She has been part of my lifeline. And ironically some members of my own family who I thought were not with me, were actually my greatest allies. I just couldn’t see it. Those things will improve with time, I assure you.

If that line helps you, print it out and stick it on your mirror, and know I will be thinking of you. Write here and share with these wonderful, STRONG women, because you are one of us.

[x_Amy Volunteer]

Hi Kat,

I am so sorry to read what you have been through. It takes immense courage to share your story with us, and I’m really glad you have reached out with your experience.

You have received some beautiful responses from other incredible mothers here, and I resonate deeply with so much of your experience. Please be self compassionate and don’t put yourself under pressure - you are in the early days of recovery, and the feelings that you’re currently processing are difficult but completely normal after the trauma of PP. When I began PP recovery in 2014, I felt that my sense of self was fragmented and the whole world was turned upside down. I can assure you, with time, you will regain your confidence and be proud of everything you have overcome.

I’m sure Postpartum Support International will be really helpful to you and please write here anytime. You’re not alone 💗

Warm wishes - Amy x

[KatMax]

Thank you so much Amy. It’s so comforting to know that other people have also felt their worlds completely shatter, and have been able to rebuild. Seems impossible right now- especially with work. I used to be a social justice warrior in charter schools for underprivileged communities, but I couldn’t keep up with the taxing demands after psychosis. Now I wonder if that part of me was even real? Was it just for show? I’m now at the only non-teaching job I could find in education, at a private school, in front of a computer all day, working for rich families whose children don’t really feel like going to school and don’t really have to because of their trust funds. I think I want to leave education but I don’t know how or where to go, where I will find true meaning. I want to help other mothers but I’m still lost in the fog myself. How can I help anyone if I’m still in many ways in hell? Am I destined for unemployment?

[x_Amy Volunteer in reply to KatMax]

Hi Kat,

Your passion for social justice will very likely return to you as it’s one of your values. You may not feel connected to it right now, and that’s totally ok. Take this time to focus on yourself, pursue hobbies or take up new ones, and above all, be gentle with yourself.

When I returned to work, my son was 14 months old. I accepted a really unfulfilling job but it helped me get back into my local community and regain some confidence. When he turned 4, I applied for a role in social care and have since worked in mental health support placements. Although I wish I hadn’t experienced PP, my lived experience has helped give me the gift of helping others in ways I had never thought possible. I am sure that when the time is right, you’ll find the perfect opportunity for you. One day at a time for now 💖

[KatMax]

Thank you so much Amy. This helps me more than you know. Really really appreciate your words.

[mikefff]

Your mind has suffered severe trauma. Remind yourself that you are in recovery. Sometimes it's good to be very "in the moment", e. G. Feeding birds in the garden. The very simplest things are what are important, just 'being'. With your son or just with yourself. All the very best to you.