Need some support.

[Ashley031]

Hi everyone,

Today was a bad day. I had awful thoughts. I thought i was getting better but i feel like im hitting rock bottom again. Am i ever going to get better? When will this go away? Please help me

[uksarah]

Hi Ashley. Seems you are having good days and bad days so maybe the meds you are on are not really working for you. Talk to your doctor about how your feeling. Wasnt it about 5 months ago you were first diagnosed with pp? Take one day at a time - try mindfulness techniques, relaxing music, painting, drawing - whatever relaxes you. Some days will be rough but you just have to look at your baby and hopefully that makes you smile. Talk to the professionals to sort your meds and offer you counselling if you need it. Maybe you could join peer support on here if you haven't already.

[Ashley031 in reply to uksarah]

Hi uksarah,

I was diagnosed last june. Im not as bad as i was but i do believe that my dosage of my meds should be higher. I did skip a pill the other day so im not sure if maybe that was why i was feeling like this. My health i surance has been an issue for a couple of months now so i havent seen my doctor. Im hoping my insurance gets put back on very soon. Once the dosage is higher i think ill feel better. Talk to you soon

[Helen_84 Volunteer]

Hi Ashley,

Really sorry to hear you are having such a bad time at the moment. Those days are awful and it's hard to see a way out.

Yes you WILL get better, it just takes time. Personally it wasn't until a year later I would say I was 'recovered' but even now when I look back I have improved massively since then - my daughter is 19 months now. For me it was gradual, slowly over the weeks and months things improved.

If you don't mind, what treatment are you having currently, and what support do you have around you? It wasn't until I had therapy for PND that I could start to see a way out.

Big big hugs to you. Try and be kind to yourself - do something you enjoy like take a bath, or if you can try some exercise. It is so so hard to motivate yourself when you are down but even a small run or something similar may help you feel a bit better

Xxxx

[Ashley031 in reply to Helen_84]

Hi helen,

Im seeing a therapist. She made me understand about ppp. My regular doctor has put me on antidepressant and antipsychotic medication. Last april was when i started going through this difficult time and last june was when i was diagnosed. I am better then i was but not close to being completely better but i have improved. My son is going on 2 years old and he is my pride and joy. These thoughts i get are so awful. I hate it. I want to be normal again. Did you get bad thoughts?

[Helen_84 Volunteer]

Hi Ashley,

So sorry to hear you have been suffering for such a long time - that must be so so hard. It's great to hear you are improving though - hold onto that and know slowly things are improving.

Yes I did get bad thoughts, I felt like life wasn't worth living, that I was a horrible person, the worst mum in the world and had real difficulty bonding with my daughter.

I hope the therapy can help - how long have you been having it? I also found my family and friends invaluable. I opened up and was honest with myself and family about how I was feeling and this helped too.

Even now very very occasionally a thought will pop into my head - often triggered by something related to my experience ( strangely happened literally 5min ago when I was reading another post on here and I thought, 'could I become psychotic again right now' and got that pang of anxiety) but I stop myself and turn those thoughts positive. For example with this one - Yes it could happen but it is extremely unlikely and therefore I do not need to worry. I am well, I am happy, I don't struggle to sleep and I have my beautiful daughter. If it did happen I know I can get through it and I have huge support around me. I now intend to read a bit of a book I am enjoying and fully relax my mind before going to bed.

Hope that helps xxxx

[Ashley031 in reply to Helen_84]

Hi helen,

I do have a lit of support frim family and friends. I try to keep myself busy luke watching tv or reading. Ive had ppp for almost a year now and have been getting help so last summer. I have come a long way. Do you mind if i ask what kind of thoughts you had?

[Helen_84 Volunteer]

Sorry for the delayed reply...

Yes look at how far you have come, it is small steps and hopefully every month will feel a bit easier.

The bad thoughts I had were that life wasn't worth living, I was a horrible horrible person and literally the worst mum in the whole world - I actually believed this, there was no mum worse than me in my head.

Whatever your thoughts are know that they are just that - thoughts. They are not real and just an intrusion on your mind. All the bad thoughts I had when I was really ill were not true and the things I worried about never happened. Xxx

[Ashley031 in reply to Helen_84]

Hi helen,

I try to tell myself that they are just thoughts and that im not a horrible person even though i feel like one. I have my worse and bad days. Im doing ok today. This past weekend was rough but i got through it. I just hope i get better and not worse. Talk to you soon.

[Hidden]

You will get better Ashley!

When I suffered PPP in 2010, I was sectioned and my partner was my full time carer and after half a year gradually could re-integrate to work. For many months I was just like a vegetables, unable to do anything...I could not write or communicate much, my mobility was struggling and my shoulders had been injured (which we realised once I got of the Lorazepam) ...I had to re-learn a lot from scratch again, even simple things such as making tea...or looking after myself.

Eventually I found light and I gradually improved. I guess we all have the same diagnosis, but different experiences and in addition we react all differently to the anti-depressants. Even some professionals wanted to give up on me, my partner never did. He was the one who convinced the Psychiatrists and external professionals that I need to recover at home and learn to look after myself and my baby.

I lead a happy life now with my partner and my 6 year old son. I only discovered APP in 2015...I am so pleased that I am not on my own and to be able to exchange my experiences.

Take good care.

Wishing you well, Sabine x

[Ashley031 in reply to Hidden]

Hi jasa,

Thank you for responding. Did u have any bad thoughts or images of hurting people you love. This is what im suffering with. I want to give up on life somedays. It makes me very depressed. I wish it would all go away. Talk to you soon.

[Hidden]

Dear Ashley031,

how are you?

I just keep it very brief. Half term at the moment and my son keeps me occupied

I can not remember much in my first year, but my partner disclosed some of my experiences from his view point. The mixed psychiatric gender unit was not a positive experience.

I did not self harm, but refused to take any medication. I was sectioned and stayed 39 days in hospital. I was extremely strong and my halluzinations were the recollection of my past. Thus, I was an emotional explosion with people within the hospital, I thought they were beings from my past, who have been 'unkind'.

After a meeting with a few external professionals I finally got out as I had a light moment in order to convince staff that the leading doctor did not know my background nor my profession and I just was another number in her establishment and obviously my partner made sure to emphasis that I needed to be home for recovery and for our son. MBU's were not available in my area. I suffered negligence and abuse within this hospital throughout my episodes and was not administered the right medication, thus I did not sleep for a couple of weeks. Hey, I survived, like so many other women on this website.

Focus on your recovery, you will get better and there are some marvelous people, who can help. The after-care is important for your recovery.

Take good care, got to dash now.

Sabine

[Ashley031 in reply to Hidden]

Hi jasa,

Thank you for sharing your story. I get a lot of bad images. Sometimes they go away and other times they stay. I do believe i will get better but i wish it could happen now. All i want is happiness again and a clear mind. Coming here does help me a lot. I know i am not alone. Talk to you soon.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Ashley

Good to hear that shared experiences here are helping you. Do you have the right medication now from your doctor and did he increase the dose? You have had a lot to cope with but with the good support of your family you will eventually have better days.

Stay strong and take care.

[Ashley031 in reply to Lilybeth]

Hi lilybeth,

I havent seen the doctor yet. Im still waiting for my unsurance cards to come in. Once they come in i will see him and ask him for a higher dosage. I hope they come in soon. Im very sick with anxiety and ive been very angry lately. Being at work doesnt help bc im working in a department that i just dont like anymore so ive been very unhappy. The thoughts have been bad this week. Whats worst is the images i get. How did you get through this? Were you ever just angry and sick of life? Hope to hear from you soon.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Ashley

It's awful that you have been kept waiting so long for your insurance so that you can see your doctor. I'm not surprised you are anxious and angry. Trying to cope at work must be very hard. During my psychosis I was very suspicious of professionals and argumentative. I did feel desperate but with medication and treatment I eventually fully recovered.

Try to have a break to yourself when you can, although it's not easy when you're working and have a family to care for. Take care.

[Ashley031 in reply to Lilybeth]

Hi lilybeth,

This illness has caused me to be physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. All i want to do is sleep. The only time i can relax is like at 8 at night. But im just so tired i just want to go to sleep. All i want to do is see my therapist. I know once i get back on track i will be ok. Talk to you soon.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner in reply to Ashley031]

Hi Ashley

I'm so sorry you're feeling so tired. I hope that you'll see your therapist soon and that it will help. Tiredness is a really normal side effect of PP, and also the meds. I think it's the bodies way of resting after everything we went through. I remember falling asleep on the sofa every night and going to bed at 9 the latest, and like you say I didn't have much time to do anything for myself.

It will pass, as you slowly recover. I do hope you get all your support / meds / insurance sorted soon and like you say get back on track.

Take care X X

[Ashley031 in reply to Ellie_at_APP]

Hi ellie,

Im so scared of falling apart again. I keep getting images of hurting people i love. Its making me believe that im evil and want to hurt everyone. Its making me not want to live anymore. I thought by now i be cured. Its been almost a year. I wish i could just sleep the days away. Talk to you soon. Xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Ashley

Try not to worry, these thoughts and images are not your own but your illness, probably made worse by not being able to see your doctor. It took me more than a year to fully recover and regain my confidence. Take care and lean on your family for support.

[Ashley031 in reply to Lilybeth]

Hi lilybeth,

I do have a great family that supports me. I don't understand y i have these thoughts. I love my family. It kills me inside. I feel like ill never recover from this. Talk to you soon.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Ashley

You honestly will fully recover and the thoughts will fade. You're a great mum, working for your family and trying to cope with such an awful time without much help from your doctor.

Stay strong and take care.

[Ashley031 in reply to Lilybeth]

Hi lilybeth,

I keep getting so angry. Its like everything in life upsets me. I feel like an evil person. Am i a bad person? Do i belong in a hospital? My head is spinning. I just want to knock myself out. I need so much help. I hope to talk soon.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Ashley

All the thoughts you have are just your illness dragging you down and can be very draining. I think your doctor should assess you as soon as he can. It's only adding to your distress that you are having to wait so long. Hopefully when you do see him he will be able to support you. In the meantime it's good that you can lean on your family and we are also here to talk.

Stay strong and take care.

[Ashley031 in reply to Lilybeth]

Hi lilybeth,

Today was a bad day at work. Im just so angry. Why am i so angry? Do you think its my illness ? I have never felt this way before. What happens if i flip out on someone? I just need so mucb help. Im scared and i feel all alone. I should be happy. I have such beautiful son. Hes what makes me smile. I wish i could just wake up and this illness would just go away. I hope to talk to you soon.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Ashley

I think all your feelings and anger relate to your illness. Is it possible to ring your doctor for an urgent appointment? You honestly will be happy again when you receive the right treatment. Try to rest tonight and be comforted by your family.

Take care.

[Ashley031 in reply to Lilybeth]

Hi lilybeth,

Im feeling a little better now that im home with my family. The only medication that helped me with anxiety was klonopin. Im thinking of asking my doctor if he can put me on that. I know that will help me. I also want him to up my dosage for my antipsychotic. I have to call the insurance peopke 2morrow to see whats going on bc its been almost 2 weeks that i sent over some information. Im hoping it will be all set so i can call my doctor. Were you ever on olanzapine?

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to Ashley031]

Hello Ashley

I hope when you call the insurance people today they will be able to give you the information you have been waiting for so the doctor will be able to consider the medication which helped before. My PP and recovery were a long time ago and I didn't take olanzapine back then.

Take good care.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Ashley031,

The thoughts are the illness, please don't think you are a bad person or belong in the hospital, you are strong and you can do this and move forward with your life and your family. Getting the right support can be so hard and I hope you get to see your Dr soon. We are here for you, hang on in there, things can get better with time and treatment. Take care, xx

[Ashley031 in reply to Hannah_at_APP]

Hi hannah,

I just want to be happy again. This illness has made me angry and very depressed. Im so mentally sick. I know someday i will be happy again but im impatient. I want it to go away now. Its been almost a year that i have been suffering. I thought by now i be better. Talk to you soon

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Ashley031,

It's hard isn't it? The feelings you describe are ones we can all relate to, the anger and impatience were especially so with me too. I don't know if this will be much comfort to you but please know you are not alone. Would you be able to get a Dr appt to describe how you are feeling or perhaps have a meds review? I know it's a complete cliche but time does help and heal. You can be well and happy again. Take care, xx

[Ashley031 in reply to Hannah_at_APP]

Hi hannah,

Im having some issues with with my health insurance. Its been an on going thing since december. I havent been able to see my doctor since november bc of that. Hopefully my insurance will be fixed so i can see him. When i do i will be able to get either a changr in meds or a higer dose. Talk to you soon.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Sorry to hear this Ashley031, sounds like an awful thing to have issues with insurance, on top of everything else. I hope you get sorted soon and get to see your doctor before long. Take care, hang on in there. Xx

[Ashley031 in reply to Hannah_at_APP]

Thank you hannah. I really appreciate it

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Ashley, I'm so sorry you're struggling so much right now, and have had all these problems with the medication. Do hang in there, you are going to get there, and the thoughts will fade. Remember that it is just that your mind is poorly, and getting stuck on these extreme thoughts rather than just them coming into your mind and then going again. It really is so common for people who are unwell - intrusive thoughts.

I did just do a search about perinatal mental health intrusive thoughts, and I am not a clinician of course but it sounds like you may be experiencing perinatal OCD? There is some information on this website from the mental health charity Mind here, and it includes intrusive thoughts. So you'll really see that what you're experiencing is 'common' for what you're suffering from, you really are not a bad person. I don't know if any of the other symptoms ring true for you as well?

mind.org.uk/information-sup...

Also this site: ocduk.org/prenatal-postnata...

There is a charity called Maternal OCD which I think is UK based but it may help to look at their website?

maternalocd.org

, 0845 390 6232 , [e-mail]

I also found this blog, which may be helpful? I wonder if it is American? huffingtonpost.com/motherwo...

It mentions a charity that helped someone suffering like you are with thoughts, and there are a list of groups in the USA on the website: motherwoman.org/groups/

Sorry for all these links - I thought they may really help you?

Take care Ashley, and remember you are not alone X

[Ashley031 in reply to Ellie_at_APP]

Hi ellie,

Thank you for the sites. I will def look into those. I appreciate you doing that for me. It means a lot. I know i have a lot of support here.

[suzannah0]

How are you going?

[Ashley031 in reply to suzannah0]

Hi suzannah0,

Im hanging in there. I have my good days and my bad days. These past 3 days have been rough. Ive been waiting for my insurance cards to come in so i can get back in to see my doctor. Im thinking of asking him to put me on different medication. The one im on makes me break out in rashes and i feel like ive gained some weight. Ive been on this medication since October. Hopefully he will put me on something else. Talk to you soon

[suzannah0 in reply to Ashley031]

All the best. Yes weight gain and rashes were side effects for me. I stuck with the meds as they were helping me mentally though, and rashes etc were better at lower doses when i was better. I found myfitnesspal helped with tracking calories and learning to eat filling foods (low gi), and walking/youtube walking when i couldnt get out of the house due to weather abd newborn baby. I started with leslie sansone walking. Moderate exercise helped the hunger too. Im not sure but i think a healthier diet may have helped with the face rashes too, and lots of water.

[Ashley031 in reply to suzannah0]

Hi suzannah0,

I try to stay away from sweets and junk food. I wont eat cookies or chips or even candy. I woumd like toloose 15 pounds before the summer. This illness is getting the best of me. My thoughta are coming back and they are bad. I cant take it anymore. I want to sut in the corner and cry. Im so mentally sick and scared. Please help me

[suzannah0]

Praying for you. Focusing just on the positives helps me. There is an online austalian forum i am sure you are welcome to join if that would help that focuses on what works beyondblue.org.au/get-suppo...

[suzannah0]

The other thing that ellie mentioned that helped me is the headspace app. Its the best researched app i know.

[suzannah0]

Trying to lose weight by not eating junk also is a great thing! Congratulate yourself for sticking to this plan!! Be kind to yourself.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi ashley so sorry that you're still not feeling better... I can't believe you're still having to wait for your doctor... it sounds like discussing different meds might help. I agree fitness, mindfulness all may help? I find I need to do the same thing each day if possible to make things become habit and routine (eg doing exercise at the same time each day)

Thinking of you xx