Since increasing my lithium dose before Christmas, my symptoms had been so much better, only having mild lows for a stretch of six weeks. I was still having the two to three week rapid cycling bipolar cycles, but my downs had been very mild.
But this cycle it is back with a vengeance. Have felt horrible horrible low for the last three days. I went to a party last Saturday night with alcohol and a very late night, which hasnt happened since I’ve been ill. I’m hoping that it is that that has triggered this. Or maybe that this is just a bumpy process where there will be a return to my old symptoms along the way
It is 18months since I got ill with PPP and the depression has been so much worse than the actual psychosis
Have any of you had a similar experience with going backwards with recovery from your post PPP depression? Mine is also bipolar
Very scared that things won’t ever get better. Another poster on here a long time ago gave me the mantra “every day is one day closer to recovery “ and I have been using it ever since. But it is starting to feel less true. Hopeless.
Written by
MotherOfBears
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
I'm sorry to hear you've been in a bad low these last few days. I don't have bipolar but think disruption to routine, and sleep in particular, can really knock your mood around unfortunately.
It must be so so hard but keep reaching out and trust that this will pass. Is there anything you've found has been helpful in the past? It's a bit brighter here today, I don't know if you've been outside or could manage a bit of a walk? Write here whenever it helps 💜
Sending you a virtual hug. I’m really sorry to hear that you’re having a difficult time right now.
I don’t have bipolar however I did struggle with bouts of depression after PP. After the PP was treated, I needed further support for anxiety and depression, so I received this through a secondary mental health care team for a couple of years. I felt like I’d lost all ability to feel happy again, but with time and a few adjustments to medication/therapy, things got so much better.
Do you have regular medication reviews with your GP/health professional? You mentioned that you increased your dosage before Christmas, so I wonder if having a chat with them about how you’re feeling now would be helpful?
Thanks Amy. Yes I do have reviews with a psychiatrist when I need them. I’ve asked if it a good time for one but I’m fairly sure they’ll want to give it a few more weeks at least before changing any meds. I just need to be patient, which is hard every day feels so long
Sorry to hear you're struggling. I haven't been formally diagnosed with BP disorder but I do have traits which lead me to believe I may infect have it.
I too have really struggled with low mood since having PP. I've found it really difficult dealing with what I went through, I just want to be me again but I feel the PP has taken a part of me I'll never get back. I'm really sorry you're going through feeling low. Is there anything you can do like see friends, go for a walk, maybe take sometime off work if you're working? I know I found it helpful taking time away from work.
did you find your recovery had been bumpy and not a straight line? I’m panicking because I was doing so much better but now I feel like I’m back to square one.
I felt so relieved that my symptoms had gone and now I am just distraught
I’m really sorry to hear you’re feeling like you’ve had a setback. When I was discharged from an MBU I was so glad, relieved like you that my symptoms had got better, but as you say then distraught that I felt so poorly still. Sometimes I’d feel like one day I’d taken a big step forward but then a few days later felt desperately down again. I was extremely fatigued in my recovery, so I don’t think the tiredness helped. Being a parent is tiring in of itself, so to be trying to get yourself better in amongst that, it takes time, patience and importantly kindness to yourself.
If you’re having a day like today, what has helped in the past for you? It’s really good you can sense this in yourself, albeit it’s frustrating, clocking that you’re feeling this way and acknowledging it was really important for me. I found once I could do that, the next step was kindness to myself - loads of self care. Not worrying about big picture “stuff”, instead I tried focussing on little things like watching the birds from my window, making sure I’d had something more healthy to eat, messaging a friend, trying a two minute walk. Sometimes I got bogged down in feeling confused by my recovery, it is confusing and frustrating, I think that’s so natural to feel that way as we’ve been through a huge trauma. It is hugely frustrating all of it. But keep looking after yourself, focus on little building blocks and you’ll get there.
Thanks for your words of hope. I sort of know that going backwards isn’t necessarily a sign that things won’t get better on my current meds. But it just feels so scary and I often imagine that I will be like this forever.
How did you fit self care in amongst caring for your little one ?
When you say “focus on the little building blocks and you’ll get there”… I suppose I don’t have that certainty that things will improve anymore. That maybe I am stuck like this forever. And sometimes that fear is worse than the symptoms themselves
Everything gets overshadowed by knowing I will go back down in a week or two. But, I need to focus on this being a good, and focus on what is going well
Morning MotherofBears, definitely try to focus on the good / what is going well. I used to keep a little "three good things" notepad by my bed when I was recovering. I'd write just a couple of words no matter how tiny the thing might be to other people, focus on the good things like you say. For example this morning I'd write sun, hot tea and the taste of strawberry yoghurt. Sometimes it was hard to think of things, and that's ok too. Thinking of you. Take care, Rachel
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a really difficult time. It is so frustrating when things seem to be going well and then they go backwards.
It sounds like the party could have been a trigger for you, as alcohol and late nights can be disruptive. Which is hard and unfair because after everything you’ve been through sometimes it feels like you just want to let loose and enjoy yourself.
I just came on here to say that healing isn’t a straightforward process, sometimes we go back but overall I bet you’re doing so much better than you think you are. Sometimes I find it helpful to think of the things that I am now doing that I really struggled with before. The fact that you were even able to go to a party is a pretty big deal!
I’m hoping you’re able to access any help to make you feel better soon.
I need to remember what this picture is showing me. I had such a good few weeks and just thought it was all behind me. Now this low is a set back has that has destroyed me. I’m so scared that I’ll never get a handle on this. It is 18months since PPP, and more than 12 months since the awful depression started.
But I have to believe that this picture is true, that it is never a straight line, and that what happened over those few good weeks is the start of some meaningful improvement. But just so scared and exhausted with a toddler and 6year old to care for. Some days I don’t have the energy to get up in the morning but I am forced to because the kids and my partner need me.
most of the time I don’t believe it will ever get better. So, I have ultra rapid cycling bipolar, which means I have a depressed patch every 2-3weeks. I’ve just come out of my depressed patch which was really bad, which followed two cycles that were very mild and I really thought I had turned a corner.
Now my mood is good, except for waiting for the next time bomb of a mood episode to hit, in a couple of weeks time. Will it be awful like the one just gone? Or will it be easier and milder this time? I hate the wait and experience so much fear
Sometimes I honestly think that I will never get well again
Hi MotherOfBears, such a difficult recovery journey so far, but glimpses that things were getting better before the last depressive episode, I cannot imagine how frustrating it must feel 2 steps forwards and 1 step back. Are you still doing therapy, does it continue to be helpful? What about exercise? I can understand how out of your control it must feel at the moment, but perhaps taking on the things that you know have helped in the past will make you regain some control over it.
I will be thinking so much of you in the next couple of weeks, take good care
I’m really overwhelmed by the fear that things won’t improve ever. But rationally I know that it is quite hopeful that I might improve. And to try and be hopeful. Or at least take a wait and see approach (something another poster on here suggested a few months back)
I’m very sorry to hear that you’re having a bad episode and I know just how frustrating that can be. Remember that alcohol is a substance that affects your mind and body and I definitely think that could’ve been a trigger for you. I took Lithium briefly myself and among the many side effects I had, the one most vivid in my mind is that it was VERY reactive to alcohol, to the point that it made me feel extremely ill after just a couple sips. I now take Lamotrigine for mood stabilization and it does not have that effect (although I rarely drink alcohol now for other reasons.) If that is available to you, it’s a good drug with few side effects. I’ll qualify that by saying I have Bipolar 2 with depression, not Bipolar 1 with mania.
I loved the graphic another poster put up about recovery not being linear. It is most certainly not, and neither is any journey in life! I’ve been working to lose all the weight I gained on antipsychotics, as well as recover physically from cancer treatment (I’m currently recovering from two surgeries) and that’s most certainly not linear, either. It’s very frustrating to feel like it’s always one step forward, two steps back. The phrase that helped me the most was (and still is), “This too shall pass.” Your life will not be the same forever. Your babies will not be little forever. There will come an end to the sleepless nights and crying and tantrums and potty training accidents - I promise!
If you have read my story in the past you may have seen that I am a 21 year survivor of PP. It was much harder in the early years and every year has gotten better. As the years have gone on, I’ve done better with meds, had fewer setbacks, fewer hospitalizations, more stability. It won’t take you 21 years to do it, either. The first couple years were the worst and it steadily improved after that. There is hope for you. Hugs and a nice mocktail sent from me in the USA.
hi - I’m so sorry you’re having a rough time. I had a horrible bought of depression a few months after my ppp and I can truly say it was the WORSTE time of my life. I’ve never felt so low and I’d take the psychosis over the depression any day. Know you’re not alone. I always find I have a low mood if I stay out and don’t get a full nights sleep. So maybe try to catch up if you can. Also are you on an antidepressant? I was put on Sertraline and I can say it’s truly been a life saver. I think I always needed this medicine all along as I’m realising how anxious and low mood I always was. Maybe try asking if you can try? If you’re bipolar it should help for sure. Best of luck xxxxx
I take a few different medications and if things don’t improve we’ll try a different dose or different combinations. The trouble I have now is believing that some sort of combo will work, I tend to get very scared about the prospect of nothing working and being stuck like this forever. Which isn’t a reasonable fear to have probably.
I am thinking on many levels when it comes to our mental health and our unique framework. You said PPP was 18 months ago. In my case I was still in the process of recovering from PPP.
I did not manage people very well at that time and "freaked out" when in public places. I can not tell you how often I froze in super markets and still do. Recently at my mum's place as she wanted me desperately to go to an outdoor market, nagging me for years.
I can not be a people pleaser anymore and know I've got to do things at my own pace and in stepping stones when struggling with BP waves. You see at the time I honestly can not say whether triggers were related, because of either still recovering from PPP and weaning off traditional meds or due to undiagnosed BP1 at the time and its agora/social phobia like symptoms.
You will recover completely from PPP, nevertheless, we have a chronical mental health condition and I am afraid our mood swings will not miraculously disappear, but they are like parasites or sticky tape
I've been learning about myself when having being sandwiched into PPP/BP1 and peri/menopausal symptoms and roller coasting freely initially for 8 years simultaneously bombarded with external stressors.
I just can reflect on my own experience, it has been truly experimental and difficult with tons of challenges leading to triggers. Question is, how are we going to manage and implement coping strategies???
You will have to feel your way into your life style, being gentle and self care a lot.
Sometimes I am so exhausted as I am constantly on over drive, but I am managing and learn to appreciate my life quality. Getting to know your limitations and attempting visible goals divided in stepping stones is most useful.
Your choice is Lithium. I am not sure how long you have been taking it for?! Emotionally and physically you need to attune to it. It also takes a while to kick in. I have now plenty of CBD in my system, but it took a while and 6 months later I did not suffer anymore from Insomnia.
Our spectrums are fast and diverse...I can not talk to a large group of people, I struggle with fear and anxiety when exposed to crowds...I enjoy my highs, but dread my lows. In my case I have a cycle. It is still my low week after full moon, a manageable one, but every 3 months I am hit badly and I can not function at all and of course sometimes moods flow depending on many other factors and often inflicted externally. Stressors are not good for women with bipolar.
TIPS: mood tracking, peer supporting, meditation, yoga, aroma therapy, reiki, art, volunteering, continuously learning, group or one to one therapy etc...all things I have done for improving life quality in the form of a toolkit...learn about your condition (bipolarUk/BP Educational Course)
I'm so sorry you've had some really low days, I really hope your mood will lift again soon.
I remember having a very rough time again when my son was about a year old, after doing well, and finding it really difficult that a hard time had come again. But I was getting better, I just had some blips along the road. I hope you will have the same experience. You have been getting better and recovering, that is still true.
Thinking of you, keep writing here whenever you like, take care,
I’m just hoping it is a blip as I’m not sure I can keep coping with this. Not that there is an alternative, I need to get my son to school and look after the 2 year old.
I’m so moved by your sheer determination to get out of bed to care for your children and partner even though at times your depression is holding you down. I think I’ve mentioned before that I did suffer severe depression but not the daily challenge of bipolar. I wonder if as well as all the lovely support here for you whether Bipolar UK at bipolaruk.org might be another resource for you?
During my second PP recovery I was also caring for our six year old but I wasn’t as strong as you have been and needed inpatient care at times. There were many times I felt helpless and hopeless ... thinking I would never recover. Never daring to hope but eventually I found my place. I appreciate that it’s not as easy for you with the debilitating lows of bipolar.
Please take care and keep reaching out to your care team when you’re struggling. We are all here to lean on 🌹
I hope things might be a little easier this week if you have half term holiday. Try to practice self-compassion, which is not always easy to fit in to our daily routine, rather than be self critical. I’m trying too 😊
Thanks, it is an important reminder, I think I do feel guilty about not doing as much as I might do. It is a lot to keep going as a parent or when working and we are feeling unwell. Luckily my week has been good - I typically get a week of good days until my symptoms return - plus I’m visiting family later which means I’ll have a little bit of babysitting
Thank you MotherOfBears.... As mothers we do at times push ourselves, beyond our limits really, so it’s no wonder we are exhausted. I think it’s as if we have to prove that we’re coping. I’m glad your week has been good and hope you found a little bit of time to relax in between babysitting. Take care 🦋
I’m in my low patch now, just waiting to see if it will hit me hard, or if I’ll get away with a mild one. Yesterday and today haven’t been ok, but not they’ve not been too bad. Hope it’s ok to keep posting here, feel a bit like I’m taking up a lot of space! Know it’s why this forum is here so I’m probably being daft.
It's absolutely ok to keep posting here, the space is here for you always 💜
I'll be thinking of you through this low patch. Do you find making a few plans helps at all? It must be hard finding the energy to do much when feeling low but try and do something nice for yourself if nothing else, step outside in the fresh air (I hope it's not as wet with you as it is here this morning!), put on your favourite music...
Thanks Jenny and Maria. The days at home are long. Did make it out this morning for a bit. Crossed paths with a friend only for a few minutes but was nice to speak to a friendly adult.
Went to a friendly playgroup today. Which is good because my husband has started back in the office after four years working from home. My mood has been low the last few days and I am yet again disappointed that the medication still isn’t working. I have a pdoc review next week. It is a long road though and am out of energy.
Well done for making it to the playgroup, that's quite an achievement, I know I'd find it hard to go, particularly if my mood was low. I'm glad to hear it was friendly. They did use to help me, particularly breaking up the long day was helpful.
Really sorry to hear you have low mood. That is a big thing your husband starting back at work in the office after four years working from home. Perhaps this has affected your mood? I hope you can find some ways to lift your mood? I'm not sure if there's things you can manage to do for yourself that help? I know it's hard to carve time out for ourselves. I know I find journaling, exercise, reading (if I can manage to concentrate), all help me.
Thinking of you. I’m sorry to hear that the medication isn’t working and hope this can be reviewed at your appointment next week. It does take a lot of energy and if your mood has been low it’s hard to rise above your feelings some days.
Take care ... remember to be self compassionate as you keep shining for your family even though some days are tough. Thanks so much for writing. 🌻
I’ve had a good couple of weeks. Seventeen days of feeling more or less ok, which is the longest stretch I’ve managed for more than a year. So I have to acknowledge that as a positive.
But now I have the familiar feeling of dropping back down again, and I don’t know what will happen this time. Felt low yesterday, and today. But will this be the start of a really big drop? Every time I find it so scary. My occupational therapist spoke to me about radical acceptance. I’ve read about it and am trying to turn my thoughts towards things like “I had postnatal psychosis” “Since PP I have had rapid cycling bipolar” “recovery is unpredictable”. I’m not sure I know quite what I’m supposed to be doing though 🙃
Anyway, it is scary every time, but figure that if I could take that fear away it would feel much better. So rather than emotional pain and fear, it would just be emotional pain.
Another poster on here said to me many months ago that I could try and take a wait-and-see approach. I will try and turn my attention towards that.
I have just started doing some daily mindfulness meditation. This is my first time doing it with my mood low and it feels quite daunting- like I don’t want to be alone in my head right now
It’s a shame to hear that although you’ve had a good couple of weeks you feel you are now dropping back down, having felt low yesterday and today. I’m so sorry I don’t have any experience of bipolar so I don’t know if this is the start of a really big drop. Fear of the unknown is very scary. Is it possible your occupational therapist might guide you as to what might help you?
I imagine it might be hard to take the wait and see approach. I wonder if the e-community at bipolaruk.org might be able to share your load? Perhaps there might be something helpful in the “women and bipolar webnairs”?
There are women of courage like you who face the daily challenge of bipolar so I’m sure they will be here to encourage and support you. I hope you can have a restful sleep. Be gentle and kind to yourself. We are all here for you 🦋
thank you lilibeth for your kind words. Today so far I don’t feel too bad, and hopeful that I might have a good day, which could be a good sign that things are improving
Hoping so much for you that things are improving ..... remember how strong you have been to go through so much. Sending a big hug of comfort to you MotherOfBears 🌻
It's really good to hear that you've had a couple of good weeks, and aren't feeling too bad this morning either, after a couple of low days. Do you have any plans for the day? I always found that helped.
There is a local playclub that I’m going to. It’s really nice. Then meeting a friend for lunch. Which sounds really nice but am a bit daunted in truth, want to stay home and hide under a duvet. Which obviously isn’t an option with a 2 year old.
I hope you've had an ok day, with the play club and lunch with a friend. I used to have to push myself to do things sometimes. I hope they helped with your mood. Don't worry about being negative, you know you can be completely honest here X
was pondering what I had just written this morning and I am doing so much better than I was a year ago. I think any level of depression feels bad (such an obvious statement to make!) but mine isn’t as bad as it used to be. Of course, I don’t know what tomorrow will be like yet - I could stay mild or go lower. But I need to learn to focus on what is happening right now rather than worrying about the future . Easier said than done.
Hi MotherOfBears, it is a good sign that you can see the improvement one year on, I hope today the depression stays mild. It is difficult to focus on the present. I also can get overwhelmed quite easily if there is uncertainty in the future. I will be thinking of you and hope you have something nice planned for today.
today I have woken up feeling bad, and am so disappointed. Trying to stop myself crying but it keeps spilling out up. It feels like a blow because I was hoping to have a mild period and for that to be evidence that the new dose of lithium is working. I don’t know how I can keep doing this, it has been so so long.
Hello MotherOfBears, I am sorry you have woken up feeling so low. At the moment it feels like you are on the lowest point of the wave, but it does pass. We are here to listen to whatever you want to say, rant, or just look for some shared experiences. We will hold your hand through this hard period.
I don't manage an ongoing diagnosis but my heart goes out to you so much. I know it must be so hard to do, but try not to put extra pressure on yourself - be super kind to yourself and know we're all here to listen and support you.
I wondered if you had a bit of an emotional toolbox to help you with these times, or if that's something that might be helpful to put together? Any objects, pieces of music, phrases you come across that have special meaning to you and help lift you a bit? Do you have any plans today?
Take really good care, be gentle on yourself and know this will pass. I'm thinking of you xx
I hope by now you are resting after a tiring day riding the waves of feeling low. Sometimes crying can be a stress release. Its not easy for you to cope with the effects of medication and taking care of your treasured family. So try not to judge yourself and be as self compassionate as you would be to a friend going through such a hard time.
We are all wishing you have a better day tomorrow. Take care 💖
how are you? My son is lying on the sofa with a nasty cold, thus I have some time to be in front of the screen.
You mentioned rapid cycling bipolar. I resonate with you and sitting on a continuous mood swing. When diagnosed with BP I have had to learn to be in acceptance that I have a chronical illness. I have bipolar and I continuously recover from highs and lows. It can be extremely exhausting. Peer support is so important and I am so pleased you feel comfortable with this forum community.
My partner just did a refresher course with adult MHFA England; Some of them maybe useful for us, who struggle with mental health issues after PPP. I will have a look into the once, I am not familiar with.
Action for Happiness: actionforhappiness.org = Part of my toolkit is to pursue things, which I enjoy...
Self-help books: reading-well.org.uk = when I was diagnosed with BP1 in 2018, I started reading up on BP and also attended courses in order to find out as much as possible about bipolar
Anxiety UK anxietyuk.org.uk = I am always reading up on this topic, because with my specific spectrum I struggle with strangers, crowds and new places
Triumph over Phobia: topuk.org = since PPP I struggle with dried ketchup on plates , it maybe funny, but for me it is very challenging
I like the 10 keys for happier living listed in this manual
1. relating = peer supporting, communicating with like minded people
2. exercising = daily yoga and walking my neighbours dog
3. awareness = reflection time, paying attention to my senses in my case daily meditation and Reiki
4. giving = volunteering realy helps my well being, too
5. trying out = I joined the Chandos art society this year, where I exhibit with other people...I found it too stressful on my own, trying out means to pursue something new such as a new skill/hobby etc.
6. direction = working towards a new goal in stepping stones, - I have to make sure I go out into the world and do a bit of exposure therapy with places and people. Not an easy one to tackle!
7. meaning = strongest sense of purpose; since the pandemic I am leading a Reiki life style, thus I guess I am quite spiritual and then of course focusing on the priority, my family
8. resilience = take actions to improve my resilience: I continue to focus on developing my tools in order to become more resilient and manage BP with the application of my coping strategies at a therapeutic level
9. emotions= selective with people and activities which offer me the strongest sense of purpose, being grateful and focus on positive aspects of life and have fun...yep I do all that!
10. acceptance = I am kind to myself when things turn out unexpectedly and I always try to shift the focus from what I do not have and can not do to what I have and can do...I am in acceptance that I have a mood disorder and live my life to the full within my scope of achievable goals.
That’s an awesome list Pikorua! I really picked up a couple of times when you talk about acceptance of having a chronic illness. I really struggle with this. I wonder, did you specifically seek/do radical acceptance therapy? I really struggle at the moment with the possibility that we have reached the limit of how much medication can take me. Things are improved since before Christmas, but are still a long way off being something I can live with. I feel a lot of fear and panic about that.
Today my day started really very badly, I was in a full blown panic about it all and in so much pain. My partner managed to convince me just to have a shower and I feel a bit better after that, enough that I started to calm down. Whenever I feel my mood drop I panic because it “means the lithium isn’t going to work”
Sorry for delving under dearest Mother Of Bears. I have been focusing on my son and simultaneously my self care. Outweighing priorities is part of managing self-care.
Yes, I do cycle with BP. Have you figured out a possible pattern in your mood cycle??? There are various mood tracking apps online available. Taking part in a research programme (finished project) has helped me to monitor my moods over the last few years, subsequently understanding my lows, where I have to take special care.
No radical acceptance therapy, but a lot of self development and skills improvement based on therapeutic directions. It requires, consistency and self discipline and a stress-free environment. I am not super woman and of course I can be triggered, but I can extract tools for coping management. A repertoire of skills for my needs scaffolded over the last 13.5 years. I believe art was my first healing avenue.
When poorly I still continue with my yoga and meditation/Reiki daily & I try to connect to nature, - a lot of digging required or long walks.
Do you know your triggers? In the beginning stages of my recovery from PPP I went to 3 self management courses, 10 week programmes. When starting the first group therapy I was so poorly that I could not join the circle and sat by the window in order to breath. It took over 3/4 weeks to be able to sit next to people as I was so scared of strangers.
Nowadays I know that on certain days I just can not be out there in public. I tune into my needs and know exactly what to do in order to keep well...not always as life is not that plain sailing I let the days unfold and accept projects, which suits my purpose. I avoid to be a people pleaser and do not compare my lived experiences with others. I know that I can not mingle in large groups, therefore accepting my limitations.
I share compassion for all those foot prints being made by our forum members. Very delve deep experiences and what a wealth of skills, - and I am happy that I can share my experiences and be able to help.
Take good care, I hope you can discuss various therapeutic opportunities with health professionals or just start something new, which makes you happy. xxx
I am seeing an occupational therapist for 20 weeks one to one. For psycho education. I find it hard to identify activities that would allow me to self soothe because I need to care for my 2yo and 6yo. I am only just at the beginning of looking at “life style”, so hopefully can identify some things over time. We’ve already started to build some distress tolerance techniques, as I have found that at times I feel completely overwhelmed with fear and become very distressed. So far we’ve identified that talking helps and so calling a crisis line could help. We have also identified the times in my daily routine when I am most likely to get overwhelmed. I’d also like to start working with clay, I enjoy it and think it could be a good sensory focus and get me out of my head.
Thank you for all of your advice Pikorua, you always have ideas for what to try
I just wanted to send you a virtual hug. Well done for managing a shower today despite the pain and anxiety - that’s a huge achievement 💗
I saw your reply to Pikorua’s wonderful suggestions and wanted to share my experience of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in response to you mentioning radical acceptance therapy. I received 8 sessions of this CBT-based one through the NHS. As a PMDD sufferer, it did help me to reframe some of my thinking and how I felt about myself during monthly episodes. I struggled with mindfulness before ACT therapy but it’s really helped me with being more “in the now”. I’d definitely recommend seeing if this or similar therapies are available in your area.
I hope you have a restful evening. Take good care - Amy x
And I could definitely see the benefits of mindfulness meditation. But I feel worried that being just alone in my head like that will be overwhelming. I like doing it on days when I’m feeling well, I have the headspace app which is brilliant
I haven’t heard of acceptance and commitment therapy before, I’ll look into it. My partner definitely thinks I need some sort of help with the anxiety, which is intense at times and centres around the possibility that the level of symptoms I have now, will be what I will experience for the rest of my life and I won’t “get better”.
Anxiety is awful isn’t it? I had crippling anxiety following PP. I appreciate that it’s probably on another level as you suffer bipolar but it’s very hard to manage day to day. Do you think you have felt more anxious since your partner returned to work after being at home for a few years? I know I was always more confident when my partner was at home to lean on.
Is it possible to have a review with your psychiatrist so you can be reassured you will get better? I also wonder if your psychiatrist might be agreeable to referring you to CUPS (Cardiff University Psychiatry Service) who offer a free second opinion service, which might help. Years ago I had the privilege of meeting the team and they were so kind and caring. I think it’s possible to have a virtual consultation if this is more convenient.
I hope you can have a restful sleep. Be kind to yourself 💝
Thanks Lilybeth. As you say, it is quite hard without my partner to lean on at home. Just being able to have a coffee together or lunch during the day really helps keep me going. He needs to work three days a week on average, so we are saving days up for when I am unwell. Which is a relief.
I’m just coming out of a low patch. My mood dipped on Monday this week just gone. I was hoping it would be a mild dip, and it wasn’t too bad but I had a moment when I did consider making an attempt. I’ll tell my psychiatrist when I see her a week on Monday. But I don’t feel like the lithium is working well enough. Like, it is a bit better. And definitely a lot better since my last admission. But not at a level I can live with. I wouldn’t be able to go back to work, and I have all those days in distress.
Anyway, I have ten days or so of feeling normal now until the next dip. Exhausted and my partner is too, will try and see if family can come up next week end to look after the kids so he can have a break
How was today? I’m really sorry you feel hopeless at times. And that you don’t feel that perhaps your medication is working as you’d hope. I’m glad you’ve an appointment coming up where you can talk about how you’re feeling. Do phone sooner though if you need to. Being so raw and honest is always best, although I know painful too. I’m sorry you’ve had a low patch.
It’s a good idea to see if family can come and help, as we all know it really does take a village to raise a family - but especially when we’ve been poorly. It’s exhausting. I think you’re so so articulate and brave in everything you post here, you’re a giant fighting this, even if at times it doesn’t feel that way perhaps.
You are brave, you are bold and you are special. Something I saw to my children every night - but the same to you too.
Thank you Rachel for your kind words. I don’t feel brave, I feel crushed. But maybe I need to change my perspective. Today is a better day than yesterday and that is a good thing.
Thanks to everyone who takes that kindness to reply to me on here, it really helps having a place I can get support xxx
It must be exhausting for you both, as you say. Also, reassuring to know that your partner will be able to have those saved days with you when you’re not feeling well.
I hope your psychiatrist will listen to how much you have been struggling. Do you think it might help to keep a diary of how you feel each day, just so she can see at a glance how low some days are for you? I remember my reviews with professionals when I would be so anxious that I forgot what I had wanted to ask!
I was wondering if the headspace app is the same as BBC headroom at bbc.co.uk/headroom? There are some clips and experiences about anxiety which might give some insight and other info on meditation and relaxing music.
I’m sorry you feel so hopeless at times, but you have been so determined to keep battling on. I think your psychiatrist needs to realise how much distress you have been in, so I hope you will feel able to talk openly.
I hope family can visit next weekend so that you and your partner can have a break. Take good care and be kind to yourself 💖. We are here for you.
Thank you Lilibeth. I think the next step will be to take me off the antidepressant I am on, as it can drive the rapid cycling that I am experiencing. It is venlafaxine and the withdrawal isn’t very nice. Then we will wait to see if that has helped. If not we will try something else. It is a long road ahead still and no guarantee at the end of it that I will feel better. It is hard to keep going after a year and a half of this triggered by PP. It is my sons second birthday in a couple of weeks and I want to be happy about it but it just reminds me of how long this has been going on. I would never ever do it because it would destroy my partner and my eldest son, but I have started again have thoughts of doing something. I will talk to my psychiatrist about that too, as it is scary and upsetting l
It’s very hard trying to find the right balance of medication which will work for you. I remember the antidepressants making me feel very slow but they were keeping me stable so that was the main thing.
Special occasions, like family birthdays, can be triggering. Although your son’s second birthday will remind you of how long your illness has been going on, you should also remember how strong you have been .... how happy your sons are, thriving on the love of their parents.
Intrusive thoughts are scary and upsetting. Try to remember that it’s your illness that’s draining you and these thoughts are part of that. It’s not easy but perhaps you can distract yourself even by something in the BBC Headroom link to focus on something positive? It will be good if you can let your psychiatrist know about the negative thoughts you have at times.
Thanks Lilybeth. You say “you should also remember how strong you have been .... how happy your sons are, thriving on the love of their parents” and that is so kind and I have to remember that my boys are happy and , for the most part, don’t know much is wrong. And I don’t see myself as strong at all, quite the opposite, but it is nice of you to say so and maybe I should try and think of it that way.
I hope you will try to think of yourself as being strong. Even deciding to get out of bed in the morning when you’re not feeling well takes a lot of strength, but you do it to care for your family.
I think for everything we have been through and you continue to endure, seeing our children happy is very emotional as it’s possibly the one thing we wish for the most. So I hope when you see your son enjoying his birthday you will remember how loved you are and that is priceless.
I’ve just started to be able to take over night care for Benji. My partner has been doing it all until now. It feels good to be involved and that is some good news. Also my symptoms are starting to ease for this cycle now , and I can expect a peaceful week or two.
Yes, even getting out of bed takes strength when you feel low depressed. When I have thought “brave and strong” it does make me feel a bit better. Not weak.
That's a big step taking over the night care for your son. I hope that it won't disrupt your sleep too much. It's a bit of a boost of confidence thouugh isn't it, that you feel able to do it.
You are definitely not weak, you are being so strong to keep pushing through the low moods and keep going.
It’s good that your symptoms are starting to ease and hopefully you will have a peaceful week or two. I hope you will be able to sleep well as you care for your son overnight and that he sleeps peacefully to give you a rest.
You are so strong to keep moving forward, trying to rebuild your confidence. Your partner must be very proud that you now feel able to care for your son during the night even though you are both exhausted. I hope your family will be able to visit over the weekend to give you both a little space for time together.
Take care ... you are a very brave mother of courage. 🌹 Thanks for writing, we are all here for you.
I hope you were able to have a bit of rest with the help of grandparents over the weekend. I notice in your reply to Pikorua’s insightful post that you are seeing an occupational therapist for 20 weeks. I hope he or she will perhaps be able to support you and build your confidence to accept that you are brave and strong ... not at all weak.
Thanks Lilybeth, as always messages are a real source of comfort for me.
My partner and I went for lunch and then did some window shopping. It was lovely and the first ‘date’ we have been on in two years. It was nice for the grandparents (and aunty and uncle) to have some time with the boys.
I had a slightly tricky meeting with my psychiatrist on Monday. Positive in that we are making a change of meds (quatiapine instead of olanzapine). But slightly low as she has suggested that she will refer me for social services. She is concerned that I get into a desperate state when I am home alone with my 2yo. I know logically that they are there to help, but it still feels like a blow, like I’m not able to care for him properly. Which I know I am.
Other than that, I am having a really nice few days. Feel well and fluid. Things feel easy and I am enjoying life. I keep “counting my blessings” especially when reading the news. We are warm, we are fed, we are safe and we are supported by family to the best that they can.
Also trying to see if I can embrace the (totally cheesy!) saying of “it’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning how to dance in the rain”. Pikorua you are a source of inspiration that even if medication doesn’t get my mood stable, I can still find a way to live well.
So good to hear you had a lovely ‘date’ with your partner. I’m sure your family were as equally delighted to be with your boys.
I hope the new medication change will be helpful. I also had social services input which I read in my notes as I wasn’t as aware as you are. Years ago I had support from the home treatment team during my recovery. I remember thinking there were so many people in the house! Try not to worry, as you have been so open about struggling, she is probably giving you more support to help with your confidence.
Being home alone with your little one is not easy but he is just happy to be with you so try to believe in yourself. Perhaps venture out to the playgroup as you did before or if you’re struggling just snuggle under a blanket with your son and watch his favourite film? Hopefully as the weather is a little brighter you might be able to go for short walks.
I’m glad you were feeling well when you posted and hope you can enjoy the Easter break. You really are amazing MotherOfBears .... be kind to yourself 🌻
I’ve just come out of four days of low mood, which is a mild run for me. Now about ten days until it happens again.
I saw the consultant psychiatrist this week. I had admitted trying to trying to harm myself, and they want to keep an eye on me I guess (the registrar is on leave). I’m seeing her again on Monday.
They’ve reduced my venlafaxine dose, apparently that might slow down the rapid cycling. The hope is that there would be a longer gap between episodes, and that the episodes would be milder. She says that it would need to be assessed over time, not straight away. Which is stressful because I am only under the care of her team for a few month, once I have completed their psycho education I will be discharged back to the community team. s. Other than this venlafaxine change, I believe that the other next step would be to switch olanzapine for quetiapine. I’ll ask tomorrow if this is something we could do at the same time.
eShe also says they are going to speak to a specialist doctor who has more experience with my condition, even though their team is specialist. Sort of makes me feel like I am a lost cause and makes me fearful about whether I will ever get a handle on this. I get upset about this a lot, that I’ll never be well and will be stuck like this for the rest of my life.
Anyway. Looks like I’ve got a good couple of months to know if I’m making progress.
The psychiatrist said something which made me cry but in a good way. She said “it must be exhausting rapid cycling like this for a year and a half”. Just been seen like that, and it made me realise how hard all this has been.
Hi MotherOfBears, I am sorry that you are coming off a low patch and you had thoughts about harming yourself, it must not have been easy to admit to that with the psychiatrist but I am glad you were so open and direct. I think hearing the words, you have been through a lot, is helpful when we are struggling. It's important to recognize your immense effort to keep caring for your family when things have been so difficult. And it also adds weight when that statement comes from a health professional with lots of experience.
It is a good idea to discuss the care plan in detail if a discharge is coming soon, changing teams is a stressful period, so having things in very back and white takes out some uncertainty from the equation. I am hoping that this recent change will reduce the severity of your cycles. You have mentioned before how you are able to see the improvement a year and a half on, hold onto that feeling of hope that things have and still can get better.
Sorry you have just been through a low patch, and had thoughts of harming yourself. It does sound exhausting. It's great that you were able to meet with your psychiatrist and be really open with them about how you are doing. It sounds like it was helpful, and it's good they are seeing you again on Monday. And it's good that they will speak to a specialist psychiatrist about the rapid cycling.
I hope you will be able to enjoy these better days ahead. I know it is hard to believe you can get better, and have less up and down moods, but as Maria says, you have recognised that you are already better than you were, with less extreme lows, it will take time adjusting meds, and psychology help etc. I too felt like I would never get better, but I did.
yes I really struggled with depression after pp. I honestly felt I’d never get better, and be myself again, but gradually the low days did get less and less, and less intense. Until I felt fully myself again. Psychology support really helped me, to challenge the negative thoughts I was feeling. I know you have psychology support don’t you? Do you find it helps?
Take care motherofbears, I hope you can enjoy some of the better days xxx
Hello there, just wanted to give you a virtual hug. I also have a diagnosis of Bipolar and I'm no longer on lithium but on an older antipsychotic called Haloperidol. I too suffer from really bad depression and other side effects but mine are caused by my medication. Do you think you know what is causing the depression? Do you have enough social connection during the day and things that make you happy? Do you have enough friendship or extended family support around you? I know that my depression comes from moving around alot and not having enough friendship so that I feel lonely alot even when I'm with people. Do you have a therapist who you can talk to about the way that you're feeling?
Sorry to hear you think your depression comes from moving around a lot
I think I have a high need for social connection, that isn’t being fulfilled at the moment. I’d be happiest living in a little commune with everyone around and us all looking after each others kids. Not a million miles away from the MBU I was in.
I'm sorry you feel that your social connection bucket isn't been filled just now. I am imagining that being tired from what you've been experiencing can make it more tricky to find the energy to connect with people? I know when I was recovering I just didn't have the energy to try and maintain friendships, it felt like I was in survival mode. So the fact that you know you need people and connection, for me anyway, was a great sign in feeling a little bit like me again.
I wonder if there are any friends you might be able to send a text to maybe? Just reach out maybe? Is there anyone you might be able to suggest going for a short walk with? Not far if you're tired, but just some fresh air and someone to walk alongside?
I must admit, I like having people around me too - instinctively humans are social beings aren't we. And I know what you mean about community in an MBU. Even though we'd never chose to be in hospital, just before I was discharged I did find comfort in fellow mums being around with similar age children. In fact just this week I have been joking with my Mum and sister about clubbing together and buying a farm or something!
You take care, we're a community here too don't forget, all here to support each other.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Psychosis or just Depression.
Very scared about future
32 weeks pregnant and really struggling
Libido kind of problem
