Really need to get something off my chest. (Health Anxiety, Insomnia, and Embarrassment.)

[Hexa]

Hi folks.

I just stumbled across this place today after a conscious decision to find some place to talk about what I've been experiencing recently. I am hoping that if I talk about it a bit it might go some way to loosen the grip worry has had on my over the past few days.

Now, in general, my life is pretty decent. I'm a recent graduate, I'm starting a job next week, and I should not really have anything to worry over.

It hasn't been working out that way though.

Usually I'm a really laid-back person. Things don't tend to bother me a huge amount.

But I go through periods, sometimes several months at a time, where everything seems to go totally crazy, and I think I'm going into another one. The first was at about nine years old, and I've had intermittent ones since. I can't sleep, I worry over things, and the stress tends to impact badly on me health-wise.

Currently, for the last ten days or so, I've been stuck in a vicious cycle that I can't seem to break out of. About ten days ago I noticed my hands being sensitive to temperature. I've been getting over a minor virus of some sort that had caused a pretty bad cough, so I figure it was probably the remains of that initially.

However, I started to worry about it in case it was something serious. Since then, I can't stop worrying that something is wrong health-wise. Part of my knows that it is ridiculous, and yet I can't get it out of my mind.

I feel like I'm acutely aware of everything. Every ache and pain, every change in temperature feels exaggerated. I have trouble sleeping, and often feel like my heart is pounding. I'm sure I'm only creating these problems by my panicking. When I'm doing other things, I hardly notice them at all. As I sit here typing, I don't feel too bad. For several days it seemed to improve, but last night it was back just as badly.

My father died last year, a few days before I turned twenty, and was chronically ill throughout nearly the whole of my adolescence. I wonder if that might be one of the reasons for my anxiety about illness, but I can never be certain. I just know I don't feel I can tell anybody, hardly anybody anyway. A friend of mine was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, so I feel I can discuss it openly without being judged, but with others, like my mother or other family members, I'm concerned that I'll be told I'm being ridiculous....I mean, I know I'm being ridiculous....telling me that isn't much help.

[lottysunshine]

you are NOT ridiculous at all. you need to see your Gp for help and maybe meds.. take what you have written here to show them. you are anxious and all the symptoms that you are feeling show this.. Nothing will happen to you.When you feel you are in panic mode start slow deep breathing concentrating as you do it.. Please go to the GP as they can help you ..We on here can only advise by our experiences..Its sounds like you have had a rough time. You don't have to endure this . There is help for you x

[Hexa in reply to lottysunshine]

Thanks for the reply. I'm certainly considering talking to a GP. There are some locally that I am quite comfortable talking to, I'm just trying to get over my natural instinct to hide everything. I'm finding starting to talk to people makes me feel a lot better.

[hedgecrone]

No, Hexa, you aren't being ridiculous. If you are, then so are all the other people suffering with anxiety. It's not a compassionate and appropriate word, though it's one I'm familiar with because of my own tendency to be very harsh on myself.

However, harsh is the last thing you need to be with yourself at the moment. Goodness - your father died last year, you've finished your degree, starting a new job....stressful in the extreme for anyone. But whatever the origins of your anxiety, it's got its claws into you and you need support and reassurance - and then some decent help.

If you can't tell your mother or someone else in the family, presumably you could go and see your GP. Pick the one in the practice who is likely to be the most sympathetic. Print out what you've posted here and bring it with you to show them in case you feel overwhelmed, but tell the GP exactly how your anxiety affects your life. Leave nothing out, and don't minimise or brush aside your suffering. Did you have any emotional support after your dad died? Were you close? You will probably need some counselling for that at least, and some help with the anxiety symptoms before they get too much of a habit.

Once you've seen the GP you might feel able to talk to a family member. Again, choose one who is likely to listen well. Ask them to listen without judging and say that this is very hard for you to talk about because you don't understand it and you feel guilty for feeling so anxious when your life is going reasonably well. If your GP has been sympathetic and come up with a plan, you can discuss this with your family member if you like, but only if it feels right.

Your mind is overwrought, exhausted, in overdrive at the moment and forcing it to 'behave' will only make things worse. You need to look after yourself well; self-soothing techniques come in handy - whatever helps you feel better at the time - and accepting that, for the moment, you feel like this and that it will pass in time, but you are going to help yourself and be there for yourself, with compassion and understanding. Tell your inner self you've been through a rough time emotionally and that you will get there and are going to seek as much help as you can.

If you are a member of Anxiety UK, phone them up. Ask about the Therapy membership. If no imminent counselling is available from your GP, Anxiety UK can help out - in some areas, if you pay a slightly higher rate for membership, there is quickly accessible anxiety therapy. It varies from counselling to CBT and all in between, but it's worth a try and it's low-cost.

Above all, don't ever feel you are ridiculous. YOu might not understand why you're feeling so bad, but you need to learn to be your own best friend right now.

FInally I'd recommend any book on Mindfulness by Mark Williams and/or Danny Penman. Some have mindfulness meditation cds in them and I find them of great help with my anxiety and depression. Better still, find a Mindfulness course to attend first, but you can use the book (and there are others on Mindfulness and Depression, Anxiety, but the Danny Penman is an excellent one to start with because of the accompanying CD which you can put onto an Ipod or MP3 player and listen to the meditations in bed or when feeling stressed. You need to do them EVERY DAY but believe me, stick at it if you can and it's well worth it. Don't expect instant results. It's about re-programming your mind and that can take a long time, but now is a good time to make a start.

Good luck!

[Hexa in reply to hedgecrone]

Thank you for the advise.

The clarify a little, it's not so much anxiety that I refer to as ridiculous, my own experience has showed my that it's nowhere near, but rather that the things that I worry about. I know that they're illogical for the most part, and reminding myself of that fact tends to help keep an handle on things to a degree. I certainly wasn't intending to come across as disparaging towards anxiety.

In an odd way, my current situation is much less stressful than it has been for several years, and yet oddly worse anxiety-wise. My course at Uni was extremely intensive and I'd work long hours near deadlines, and yet I rarely ever struggled with this. When I did it was relatively minor. It seems odd that I'm actually better when I'm stressed, but it appears to end up that way.

Having not had the structure of deadlines however, I think it's made my issues flare up again. I am hoping that the start of my new job will add a bit more structure, and keep my mind a bit more occupied. Hopefully I'll be able to find a good medium between fretting over things, and working way too hard.

My father and I were quite close until the start of his illness, complications related to diabetes, and it was at that point that his personality changed a lot, so we were not terribly close by the time he died. I did my best to try and handle everything that happened, but I think to a degree it's meant I tend to bury my emotions a lot more than I should, and ultimately I don't think it does me any good.

Anyway, I think talking to a GP is probably a good idea, since it appears that I'm not going to 'grow out' of these periods, but that's for the advise for some things I can do in the meantime.

[F_Shadow1]

Hi Hexa, this sounds very familiar... I have a heightened sensivity to practically any bodily changes, discomforts, pains etc and my main preoccupation has always been with my heart rate... which of course is something that an anxious state affects... another vicious circle. It is health anxiety and there are plenty of options you can take to try and help deal with it. As others have said, it's always worth going to your GP first and seeing what they advise. And CBT and/or counselling can help with this too, which Anxiety UK can provide if you wanted to go private. Hope you can get through it.

[rose12]

Soungs like you have some excellent advice on this blog from people who genuinely want to help you. I hope that gives you strength. Sometimes stress and anxiety hits you after a stressful period in your life. Tou probably didn't have time to worry before. I also dwell and worry on bodily sensations and go through anxiety cycles. I can be coasting along doing ok and wham it hits me. Last night for instance preoccupied with anxiety I couldn't sleep until about 3.30 am . I took some kalms tablets I had in the cupboard and they did seem to work. I personally like to try herbal rememdies. I also think rescue remedy has helped me at times and is good for emotional upset. Be kind to yourself you have had alot to deal with x x