Feels like I'm going to die today again

[chevalier4444]

I apologize for being toxic here. I'm on a low streak that doesn't really seem to be getting consistently better and I'm constantly overwhelmed and mentally exhausted.

My mind keeps convincing me I'm going to die soon, and I normally fight it off and push the feeling away aggressively, but I don't have the mental fortitude or willpower left to keep fighting it, so I'm letting myself just feel it, and it feels disgusting. I'm so disgusted at myself for being so weak that I can't even try to have hope or believe that I'll probably live anyway. I'm just too exhausted and angry now. I'm not even scared of death. I'm just angry because it all feels like my fault and no one else's.

I don't care if I die normally or naturally, but it feels like it's my thoughts and beliefs causing it (I have OCD). I just don't have the willpower or strength to fight this anymore. I'm going to a concert tonight and I'm concerned about somehow dying sometime during it.

I always want to try to twist my perspective around and think about all the reasons I'll be okay. I've never died before after months of feeling this way, I've never killed anyone else with my thoughts even though I've had the same feelings about others, and plenty of other people on here and other places online have had the same experiences and been alive years later. I've even compiled a long list of links in my notes of people who were sure they were going to die and then didn't.

But right now none of that seems to be working for me. I'm just really angry at myself for getting myself to this point. It feels like I've failed myself over and over again and now I'm here as a result. I even logically know I wouldn't feel that way if it was a friend suffering instead, but I can't stop feeling angry. I used to be constantly extremely anxious about all of this but I don't have the hope to feel anxiety at the moment if that makes sense.

I'll probably be fine anyway I guess.

[Agora1]

Hi chevalier4444, I hope you are enjoying or have enjoyed the concert tonight.

Let me know when you are back and how you did. These OCD thoughts take away

the joys of our life. We can't allow that to happen. We have no control when our

lives will be over so until then Live in the Moment! xx

[chevalier4444 in reply to Agora1]

Hi, I'm completely okay. I really appreciate your reply. It means a lot. I did enjoy the concert. I used to hate concerts but I got really high end earplugs (loops) and they lower the volume by more than half so it's a lot less overstimulating than it used to be for me.

Thanks again for commenting. I'm coming to realize that I can have delusional thoughts and can't always trust my own mind even if I feel certain of something.

[Agora1 in reply to chevalier4444]

I'm so glad you went as well as enjoyed the concert. I like the idea about

the high end quality of your ear buds. I too can't handle overwhelming sound.

We all seem to go into what I call "anticipational anxiety" knowing we have to

go out of our comfort zone. I've yet to find a time when I didn't enjoy what I

feared lol You did it and I'm proud of you. xx