Feel like I deserve it.

[Richy626]

Hello all,

Today's been a terrible day with my anxiety, here's why.

I had a panic attack last year, the very next day I decided to take it head on and as I was on my way to work I imagined where I was when I'd had the panic attack the day before, determined this time I wouldn't have one, problem is I DID have one, I've never psychologically recovered, as I then felt like my mind must be delicate or constantly on edge of one and if I'm able to set one off that easily at will which I didn't believe possible, anything will set it off, a self-fulfilling prophecy I guess.

Though I went on anti-depressants and the panic attacks went, instead they were replaced with muscle spasms, even more intense head feelings, all sorts really, believe it or not I freaked out that I couldn't make panic attacks happen anymore as if I wasn't in control of my emotions.

I came off the anti-depressants last year but the feelings I've had while on them stayed, no panic attacks, just the muscle spasms, pins and needles etc etc etc.

The thing is ultimately, I feel like I deserve what I've ended up like for making it happen on purpose, even if I didn't mean it to happen, and I don't feel like I deserve to get better.

Today, from near the beggining, I was setting it off the physical sensations, and as always when I do that and concentrate on it for too long, they get incredibly nasty and the real me who I really am becomes practically non-existent, as it feels like it's got out of control I get worse and worse and worse, some days I'm able to stop myself but today it's like I just couldn't stop pushing that button inside, the more I do it the worse the feelings get.

At first i try reminding myself look it's u doing it so u can stop it, it's harmless anyways blah blah, but eventually when it gets to a point it's getting nasty, I don't feel like I can stop the feelings anymore, at this moment, things get VERY nasty for me physically with absolutely NO relief as I don't have a panic attack to climax it anymore.

Can anybody help me out or relate with this? Still sometimes can't believe I'm able to set it off consciously the way I can, I always thought anxiety was a subconscious thing that is an emotion we don't want to feel therefore we can't do it on purpose etc.

I just can't help but blame myself, and then when I start trying to calm down, I don't let myself I keep myself in this state cause I feel like I don't deserve to feel calmer for getting myself in this state in the first place, I basically block myself off from feeling better psychologically :(.

Thanks in advance for your help.

[Agora1]

Hi Richy626, You certainly don't deserve what you are feeling. It is not your fault. You were looking to cut anxiety out of your life by meeting it head on. Our minds are powerful in both being able to make pain worse or take it away. The power is there but we need to use it for good and not bad.

After getting off the antidepressants you need to know that everyone is different in how long it takes for the brain to heal completely from being off the meds. The body now needs to know how to manufacture the chemicals that the pill was replacing. During that healing time, it is very common for the patient to have muscle twitches, pins and needles, vibration feeling, weird head sensations etc. This is all a process going forward in getting better.

Once off medication, it is best to continue using other methods of reducing stress and anxiety. The mind/body connection is very powerful if used in the right way. You didn't do anything that cannot be undone with a little retraining of your brain. The fact that you have programmed your mind into feeling that you don't deserve to feel calmer is going to hinder you from preceding forward.

We all deserve the good things in life, how we approach it makes all the difference in the world. Using positive reinforcement and affirmations is a start. Practicing it is imperative in getting better. Richy you can and will turn a bad habit around. Stay strong, keep coming to the forum and check out YouTube in Positive Reinforcement and Affirmations. You so deserve it

[Richy626 in reply to Agora1]

Thanks as always Agora1, everybody tells me it should have all stopped after over a year of being off it though, but I know inside myself that stuff has massively effected me and altered how I feel.

I do carry a lot of guilt inside me, as I used to do something absolutely terrible when I started having anxiety 3 years ago, before it got so bad with the panic attack last year, I'll be completely honest I started catfishing online, not to start actual love interests and emotionally lead somebody on just quick convos with the goal to masturbate and fantasise on a casual dating site, it got me away from everything, basically my version of a drug.

When I finally felt that was becoming an addiction and couldn't take the guilt anymore I stopped doing it, soon after I stopped the second panic attack hit and from then on everything went downwards, I'm a shell of the person I wanted to become if that, as morally I'm a nice person with a good heart, I'm sure that has something to do with it.

At almost 29 years old, I feel like I've wasted my entire life making way to many mistakes, I'm a smoker and was totally against smoking but started when 18, I'm a Christian but started having casual sex and went away from it around the same, I've done everything the opposite of what I wanted to do.

Now I'm single, lonely, I'm a complete mess and feel like I'm running out of time, throw this horrible condition in and it feels like game over.

[Agora1 in reply to Richy626]

Running out of time Richy at 29 is not possible. You have a lot of years ahead of you. Good years with some good learning experiences behind you. We learn from our mistakes in life. Hopefully in becoming a better person for it. Now after having had your learning experience, it's time to work on yourself going towards who you really want to be. Being single is okay, being lonely and think of yourself as a complete mess, isn't.

This is where changes need to be made in getting your self confidence and self esteem back. Go towards getting your mind to believe you are still that nice person with a good heart. That never goes away, it just needs to surface once again. Once you are able to have those good qualities about you surface again, you will portray the real you. The real you will attract others who are sincere and good.

Life is like this Richy, if we think bad of ourselves we only become lonely or attract others in the same boat. But once you become confident in who you are and where you are going, the possibilities are limitless. You will no longer feel alone because you won't be alone. Believe in that. It too will come to pass for you.