Guilty. Invalid.

[Annielane]

I don't feel like I'm aloud to feel The way I do. I feel like I'm just being dramatic. Everything is internal for me, well at least I make it internal. I don't visibly show when I'm anxious or depressed. When I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack, I just hold it in or leave the room. I don't tell anyone. I don't feel like I'm aloud to have these feelings. These feelings of depression and anxiety. Or hopelessness. I've grown up in a "good home" with a "good family" and I've been told by peers that I couldn't possibly understand other peoples problems because my life is perfect. I've had my family tell me not to use my traumatic past as a crutch. I've been told I'm dramatic. I've been told I'm too sensitive. I've been made to feel like I can't feel pain or have problems. No one understands. Anytime I try to talk about it, I stop because I couldn't possibly really have any serious issues cause I'm "perfect". Even in counseling, I feel invalid. I am terrible at speaking up for myself and defending myself and making my own choices. I feel like it's not real. My problems. What if I'm just making them up? I feel like this all just makes me feel worse. I feel like I'm stuck in this never ending cycle that I can't escape from. I'll never be free. I'll never be valid. I don't know what to do. Am I crazy? If I don't have anxiety or depression then what's wrong with me?? I don't think I'm making it up.. But it doesn't feel like it's as bad as everyone else's, but maybe that's just because I internalize it. Maybe it's just because I don't talk about it out loud. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I FEEL CRAZY AND WRONG AND I'M FREAKING OUT ALL THE TIME AND I CAN'T SEE A SOLUTION AND I DON'T KNOW! I JUST DON'T KNOW!

[Hidden]

Hello

No you are not crazy at all but even when we have been brought up in a good home as you say anxiety can still affect us , in fact the pressure of been brought up in a good home and feeling we have got to adhere to the expectations that sometimes come with that can actually give us anxiety !

You should not be dismissed about your feelings but sometimes this can happen as that makes it that others do not have to take the time to try and understand and they think by dismissing what we are saying the problem will go away but it doesn't it just feeds it and makes it worse

We also have so little self worth maybe in your case as well as some others because we have had a life time of been dismissed so therefore we think everything we think or feel must be wrong because that is all we have ever heard and because then we have been programmed to believe we are wrong we do not know how to stick up for ourselves and part of that is because we question that we may be wrong with what we are thinking and we will just be shut down any way if we try but we are just as good as anyone else we really are but we are sensitive

You say you have not been getting the best out of your Counselling by not been totally honest about how you feel , but that is the one place that we should , as they will not judge or should not do if they are good at what they do and if we do not tell them exactly how we are feeling then the therapy will not help because they will be getting the wrong impression from us , so if you are still going try and open up with them , this will be a good start in making changes and learning it is ok to be you

Take Care x