Hell on Earth

I can remember a time where I woke up every day and had absolutely no worries. There were endless possibilities of what I could do with my day- I had no limitations. That feeling feels like a far off dream. If I'm lucky to fall asleep at night, I wake up feeling exhausted and not rested, the first thing I think about is if I'm going to make it out alive and I immediately start to focus all my energy on if I can sense any physical symptoms.

In 2013 I started getting anxiety after I got really sick. After I began to feel better I went right back to my life. As soon as I started feeling better I went out with my friends and everything was fine. Sometime in that evening I started to feel nauseated and my heart was racing. I quickly made an excuse to go home and I spent all night shaking, sweating, having shallow breathing and feeling nauseated. I thought I was for sure sick again. I woke up feeling fine but the trend continued for weeks of just staying up all night, not sleeping, I stopped eating entirely, I dropped out of college, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years and I stopped going out. Anxiety had ruined my life.

I had lost about 25 pounds and most of my friends were fed up with me making making excuses for why I couldn't go out (or what they believed were excuses). I had headaches almost every day from the stress, lack of food and crazy sleeping patterns and I always felt weak, dizzy and sick. Months and months went by of that and I slowly grew out of my anxiety: I went back to school, got a job, found a love interest, made new friends and all seemed good.

Honestly, I thought I was "over it", but my brain now has a mind of its own, and sometimes, it sets of the panic button and my body reacts. My logical mind knows I'm safe, I'm ok, I have nothing to worry about but the alarm is still going off and my body is reacting: shallow or heavy breathing, nausea, sweaty palms, racing heart....

I live with this every day. I try to have a normal life, I have a full time job, I'm engaged to the love of my life, we have a home. I try so hard to act "normal" but I'm not, I'm not like everyone else, I may seem like I'm happy and everything is fine, but on the inside, I'm slowly losing the will to fight for what I have....

Is there anybody out there who is here with me?

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3 Replies

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  • You are not alone. Trust me! This all started for me in December it's has been horrifying I'm sick & tired of feeling like this day in & day out. I was feeling good for about three days & today bam it's back again. Aches & pains breathing is off I'm extremely exhausted & this is my day off, I feel like the energy has been sucked completely out of me like I'm almost ill. I get the chest anxiety to where that is uncomfortable. I hope you start to feel better 😊

  • Don't give up and hang in there, you got through this once and you will again (:

  • been there and back so many times over the past 7 years. so many friendships lost and opportunities passed because I was convinced something was terribly wrong with me and I just couldn't do it. I dropped out of college 3 times due to my battle with anxiety; I was able to fight it enough to graduate in 2013. I thought that was my "over it" moment, yet here I am three years later still struggling day to day. Spent so many nights in constant worry and thinking " this is it" and yet we're still here. Anyway, always better not to feel alone if only for a moment. Keep your will it's an ongoing battle, but I've heard it can be won.

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