feeling emtpty, bored and apathetic.

[monJ]

hi ! My name is Mon and i have been like this since i was 13 . I don't do well in crowds, i always feel out of place.Selective-social is what i like to describe myself. I always laugh at jokes but feel empty inside, in fact I feel bored most of the times.always thinking of bad things that happen to me in the past when i'am alone. But I do find it pleasuring to be alone most of the times since I think its stupid to be in a crowd of friends. When big problem occur I always think of doing suicide but I always think again because doing such thing makes me feel like i already lose the game and i don't like losing .well I don't really care about whats happening in my surrounding except the future , my family , grades and winning. till now i still feel empty. i'am smart since i'm in the top of the class, but nothing really excites me except for reading books and thinking about my future. it feels like i already know what will happens next, which i already do since i think a lot . my friends thinks i'am weird when i become silent because of it. and i'am afraid to sleep at night because i feel so vulnerable , like i could be killed at any minute even if the doors and windows are lock . the only things that amuses me are the books and my small circle of friend which consist of 9 people . i only trust my family and best friend since i feel like at any time now my so called friends might back stab me. i have trust issue since my father left my mother for another women . i hate people that leave their spouse for another , my hatred for those kind of people makes me want kill every single one of them.

but i do take pleasure in such stories as people leaving their lovers for another .

[Hidden]

Hi MonJ, firstly can i ask how old you are? Sometimes its easier to get the bigger picture if you know a time scale of suffering. I am also unsure of what country you are living in, but you mention suicide and for this I urge you to seek medical advice. You mention grades and classes so Im guessing not in the u.k and young. Donver

[monJ]

i'am 17 and from Philippines . i'am always alone actually, never like to lean on someone when i have problems. when i was in my 1st year in high school my classmates constantly bullied me and their reason for doing it is because i'am weird, silent and i don't fight back.

[aye_may]

hi Mon,

in the UK in such situation the place where to look for help is your doctor/GP. can you speak to your doctor about how you feel? the doctor could help you or give an advice where to look for help.

my kids are older than you now but i know very well how you feel as i was describing myself as weird since primary school and for many many years...

you deserve being and feeling happy, please find encourage to not give up and look for reasons and tools to be happy.

A.