I feel very depressed and anxious atm, mixed in with guilt, shame and embarrassment, but why??
I was on my Xbox on a car game, in an online cruise where players can drive together etc... And because I'm a girl, I get quite a lot of messages from male players. I liked it at the start, but now, it's driving me up the wall as they won't leave me alone! I was in a 'party' today (where 2 or more players can talk privately) and some foreign weirdo joined and started talking loads of rubbish, and then his mate joined (I don't know either of them btw) and he said 'she sounds like a hot milf' and they were both taking the mick, as 'men' do. I felt terrible because my OH was in the party too, and heard everything they said, he lost his rag and told them where to stick it, they soon left the party, but I feel so embarrassed and ashamed, I feel almost exploited like a prostitute or something similar.
My anxiety is doing loops, all I can think about is self harm, but I'm too stressed out to even do that! I feel so harassed that I've had to change everything about my gamer profile, I've changed it to a man so nobody knows I'm a girl, but why should I have to do that? It seems nobody respects women nowadays, I feel like it's all my fault that I attract male attention. I don't try at all, it's the weirdo's I attract though, they aren't even respectable men, just immature teenagers it seems.
I feel really stressed out and depressed, maybe even a little suicidal over this one MINUTE incident. I never thought being sexually abused in my younger years would make me feel this exploited in the smallest of situations. I feel like I can't dress up or go out, in case I attract someone, I feel trapped. I wish I was a fat black man! (No racism intended, but nobody seems to mess with that stereotype...) If I am touched in any way by any lad, I freak out, and have even attacked a lad once, I got so scared when he put his arms around my waist I elbowed him in the nose and broke it (this was 3 years ago.) I even feel like a slag when I get cuddly with my OH, I feel adrenaline and embarrassment whenever he touches me, even a simple hand on my arm, but I try to tolerate it, even though it's extremely hard to.
But now I'm sat here shaking and locking the doors, constantly thinking they are going to stalk me and rape me. I haven't been like this for a few months, but it does get to the point where I perform OCD behaviors such as locking down the house, pacing, rocking, in which case I am performing.
PTSD- associated nightmares 
PTSD and thinking I see disturbing images
Christmas party bust!
I Need a Recommendation for an Intensive Anxiety/PTSD Treatment Program!
