So I haven't been feeling great, well, since when have I felt good? And today, I feel like life is just one big headache, that I can't get rid of. Right now, my head feels like it's burning, my eyes are so achy and sore, every muscle aches, I don't know why. I've got bad shakes, twitches, sweats and palpitations. Actually, I think I do know why, I've overloaded with caffeine lol! I had a codeine painkiller, cup of coffee, can of coke, and a fag, not the brightest of ideas, I don't recommend it to you peeps...
I got a letter through this morning, from my psychotherapist. It's basically an evaluation of my 2 assessment appointments that she's sending back to CAMHS as a report. It wasn't a great report, I admit, it made me feel like a bit of an idiot to be honest, but that's denial for you, I know everything she wrote is actually true. I won't be doing psychotherapy anymore, because I felt it was too grown up and demanding for me, the therapist agreed, so I'm now being referred to a mental health team, in which my psychotherapist says that's what CAMHS should have done before choosing something as mainstream as psychotherapy. CAMHS boobed up, again! In the letter to CAMHS, the therapist wrote that she thinks CBT with a MHT and medication post diagnosis is the way forward for me. HALLELUJAH! Finally, someone gets it! Too bad I won't be seeing her any more though... 
My mum saw my cutting scars earlier today, I feel like an absolute idiot now, I haven't dared to face her since then. When I have visible scars, I live in long sleeves, like rugby shirts and hoodies, but in this weather, I would die in long sleeves! I was sat in my room with my music blasting, wearing a T-shirt, and then suddenly, my mum and sister walked in and sat on my bed, I immediately thought "Oh crap, SCARS ARE OUT!" My mum knows I cut, but she didn't know it was still going on, she thinks everything's 'sorted' just because a few months have gone by since everything kicked off. I'm still suffering, I'm no way near 'sorted', I still have many problems, and many things to think about. After 5 minutes of sitting in my room, she said "What are those on your left arm, is that what I think it is?" Me being me, I practically booted her out of my bedroom, I wouldn't have minded if she said it in a nice way, but she was so disappointed and angry over it, and made a drama about it in front of my sister. My sister seems to copy everything I do, and even though she already self harms, I don't want her knowing I do it too, it will just egg her on more, and make me look an idiot. So yeah, I'm back to sleeping in hoodies, in this stupidly hot weather. I normally cover up, but they caught me off guard, I had a face like a tomato and was extremely shifty the entire time haha.
It just really grinds at me, how my mum is 'against' self harm. I know she doesn't understand it, because when my younger sister does it, my mum comes to me and rants about it, and doesn't know why she does it. But after she saw my scars earlier, she's been ranting to my sister about me, it's like she picks sides all the time, I don't get it. She'll always go against one, and be all for the other, it gets me down quite a lot.
I feel very stressed out still, I'm not gonna say 'I just want it to get better', because there's no point, I can't be bothered. I don't really care what happens now, it's a 'go with the flow' attitude, I'm not even going to try any more. Yes NHS, you win, I'll suffer so you don't have the hassle of giving me adequate help.
Mentally exhausted 😩 
Could anxiety be an hereditary?
Is it anxiety, certain deficiencies, an illness or something completely else..?
Feeling down :(
