Sad and tired..........

[LouisBear]

Hi guys, not been on the site for a while, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to shake my latest bout of depression and anxiety attacks. I feel very alone, although have friends and family. I feel friends are sick of me talking about my feelings, as they too have their own problems. My mother now has dementia so my once fantastic 'shoulder to cry on' is no longer there. My husband and I don't have a particularly good relationship lately. For years he was supportive, but things happened which I'd rather not discuss and now I think he's given up. I work with the elderly, who pretty much, are miserable, sad and waiting to die, or quite abusive. I think, we work hard all our lives, (me shifts, so miss out on some lovely family time and weather, such as yesterday), then we get old, if we don't die young, and then we get more tired and wait to die. What is the point in dragging it out for another however many years, years of sadness and tiredness beyond what I experience now! I know I should be glad to be here, there are many younger or same age as myself who are fighting as hard as they can to survive. I feel I would see the diagnosis of an illness a get out clause for having to be unable to do the awful deed myself, guilt free from the destruction I myself would have caused to my family, so that the could grieve without resentment and stress. So sorry for such a low blog on this beautiful sunny day (which I have not yet seen as am quite happy in my darkened room! must try and rise soon to walk my pack of friendly, happy waggy tailed beasts! I am on meds incase anyone asks, many and have completed CBT and therapy. Does anyone have the 'Holy Grail' of answers, for tomorrow I must paint on yet another cheery confident smile and start again. xxx

[Regalbirdy]

Hi Louis,

I am sorry to hear you are having a bad time right now. It's horrible to hear that your mother has dementia. It is a terrible disease and can be very distressing both for the person and for family members.

I hear what you say about family and friends. Rightly or wrongly sometimes I do think there is a limit as to how much you can share with them. I recently told my brother I was depressed. He thought he was being clever when he said "nah, you're just being lazy" Grrr!

Having spent many, many years working with the elderly; I understand how soul destroying that can also be. In the end I had to get out because I was starting to become a don't care carer. Changing the focus of my career helped a little, although I am not working right now due to being unemployed.

Some days it is the little things I try to remember to appreciate. There are times when we are so busy sweating the big stuff that all the little things get missed. It may be a flower, a bird on the fence or something my cat does that causes me to pause and give me that warm feeling inside. There have been days where I've considered washing one cup to be a success - despite the pile still awaiting me.

Sorry, I have no real answers for you, for everyone is different. For me it is about not giving up. Sometimes tomorrow will be better than today, sometimes it won't. I have to get out of bed each time to find out. Personally I find practising tai chi regularly to be very helpful. I find I can put down my "cheery confident smile" and just be who I really am while I am there.

Maybe remembering to accept the unconditional love of those dogs of yours could help? Dogs have a lot to teach us humans because they live in the now. They don't care what's going to happen tomorrow and they don't usually bother about what happened yesterday either.

So keep on trying. Until then all the best.

[LouisBear in reply to Regalbirdy]

Hi thanks for your lovely response, it made me smile. I shall try my best, and shall try and think of the 'little' things as you say.

Kindest of wishes sent to you.

[Bunnyhop1]

Hi LouisBear,

i can totally relate to what your feeling as i have felt exactly the same, even at this very minute. Its hard to think of the goods things when you are feeling so low, you kind of know what can make you feel better (listening to music, reading a good book) but sometimes its hard to build up the motivation. i have a good support network but like you i feel i am burdening them or they are sick of hearing me including my boyfriend (which i know deep down will not be the case). i have been struggling for about two weeks with feeling down, tired, no motivation and just plain miserable and unfortunately i lost my wonderful nanna yesterday quite suddenly. i am devasted, but like you i have also thought whats the point on several occassions. My nanna was ready to go as she had said, she was also 92 years old, but it has made me question things. She was old school and knuckled down when things got tough and believed in supporting your loved ones no matter what. i know that we can all be our own worst enemys but trying to have a positive outlook on things really does help. i feel like i should do my nanna proud and not give up. i think that maybe writing in my diary and keeping notes of the good things i acheive in a day or little things that make me smile would be a good start, maybe this could also be a good thing for you to try? So that when we are feeling low and want to shut our selves off from the world we have something to look back on that might just bring us back from that low point and get up open the curtains and the window and take a big deep breath of fresh air and say to ourselves, "Do you know what i can do this!!"

hope this helps in some way, just wanted to offer some support, your not on your own XX

[LouisBear in reply to Bunnyhop1]

Thanks so much for your reply, and condolences to you and your family on your loss. I think I'm going to try the diary thing, its a positive start at least. I think I tend to be more weary after completing long shifts at work.....could do with a good few weeks in the sun. Your blog made me feel a little teary, but in a good way. Thanks for your support. lol. xxx