5 Years Later

[Minileah1218]

Hi everyone.

It's been 5 years since I've posted here, and I haven't made much progress. I keep coming back to square one. Feeling like my life is going nowhere and that my routine will never change. I've prayed about it all these years. Some days are better than others, but they're mostly bad. I was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD since I've been here on top of MDD and anxiety I already knew I had.

The brain fog, confusion, derealization, lack of sleep schedule due to insomnia, panic attacks, and nightly cries to sleep still continue. They've become worse than ever. I can't afford therapy because I'm newly married and out of the house for the first time in my life. It's been impacting my will to live. I keep going on because that's what everyone tells me to do. I guess I should be proud I'm still here 5 years later.... but I'm not so sure now.

I keep thinking I have bipolar instead of Major Depressive Disorder because it was on my dad's side. I didn't know until recently. He was an alcoholic and I became codependent as I was learning his behaviors. I just recently thought it could be possible I have it with the immediate anger I have when triggered, the patterns of feeling so good for a few days then going on weeks/months feeling like I'm useless on this Earth.... it's exhausting. I don't know for sure if I've experienced mania, but I feel like I probably have to some degree. I've been told by my husband I seem to "snap" when provoked. I turn into someone completely different. Someone I hate. The anxiety and panic attacks are more frequent than they've ever been. I just had surgery recently that left me disabled for quite some time (I still am now but I'll start walking next week) and that's brought back a lot of these emotions at full force. Having to rely on everybody and not myself has been a challenge. I'm afraid to go back to work, I'm afraid to drive again, I'm afraid to do anything. I WANT TO GIVE UP FOR GOOD.

I originally came here after a conversation with a crisis line. I thought after my hiatus I'd become a different person and grow even further than I've ever been, but I was wrong. I feel ashamed coming back here, but when you have nothing else to do you do what you know: talk to people. I almost feel like apologizing because I had so many people in the past showing me support and yet here I am after all these years still feeling like I'm not willing to live anymore. It's not the sense of feeling worthy, because I know I am worthy of life, but the feeling that all my energy is GONE. I've given up so much and changed my life in different ways just to come back here and feel puzzled as to why I still can't find a single thing that'll keep me afloat and get rid of this feeling: suicidal ideation. What am I doing wrong? What have I become?

[optimismrus]

You've become terribly unhappy, and I hope that venting here has relieved you a little bit. It sounds like you've been housebound for awhile, and that can be crazy making. Add to that having to be dependent on others. You're newly married - another adjustment to process. Next week might be better because you can start to walk again. Hopefully, it won't be long and you'll be able to return to the things that made you feel like you were making good progress. PS: YouTube has wonderful meditations and peaceful music. 🥰

[CrowBoy]

You don’t have to be ashamed of where you are, even if it’s back to square one. Shame just adds to the weight you’re carrying. I know because I am dealing with the same thing- I have Harm OCD and I’m deeply ashamed of my intrusive, violent thoughts.

Hold on to the knowledge that you are worthy, and therefore worth something to other people!

Five years of struggle is a long time. You’re very strong. I hope you continue to choose life, even when it sucks. And remember there are so many people out there who are suffering just like you are.