Worried I’m a bad person without realizing it?

[Lifesearching]

Lately I’ve been really stepping back to look at my actions. I’ve accomplished a lot but also it’s been affecting me mentally..such as with the bf thing I posted previously about.

I’m start to kind of look back and think about if I harmed anyone in the process. Like I’m in this music online class, but since I live the closest to the instructor I have had more opportunities than my classmates to play live. I feel guilty because I haven’t told my classmates about the gigs, I’m worried they think I’m sneaky or selfish or hiding opportunities from them, but I’m just practicing and doing as the instructor suggests🥺

I’ve also realized I betrayed so many people in my past ( way before achieving any goals), it almost feels like I don’t deserve the success I have now even if I know logically I worked hard for it… it’s such a weird feeling but it’s giving me so much anxiety. But I forget that just two years ago I was dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, constant fights and near breakups with my bf. Trying to be happy but it’s hard after being so used to like a decade of everything falling apart

[Nana_45]

Opportunities come your way for a reason. Not everyone needs to know your personal business. It's okay to keep your success to yourself. Remember there's alot of haters out there. Keep going. You're doing great!!

[Lifesearching in reply to Nana_45]

I know right that’s how I feel like I keep a lot of those at arms length bcuz I’ve been thru enough to know some ppl might try to take what’s mine if I share too much🥺I feel bad for not sharing all the time, but it’s literally to protect myself from those without the best intentions thank you for seeing that it’s not me being malicious

[LoveforAll41]

I totally agree with Nana. I think that maybe you have some work to do around why you would not want to be happy. It seems there is a part of you that does not think you deserve to be happy. Why? I have the same problem, I am going to talk about it in therapy tomorrow. We all "deserve" to be happy, or at the very least be nice to ourselves. I hope you can give yourself what you truly need.

[Lifesearching in reply to LoveforAll41]

I guess even if logically I changed my life in the past four to five years, for some reason my past mistakes are creeping in like “oh I did that one thing so I don’t deserve to be happy”. Thank you for responding 💙

[LoveforAll41 in reply to Lifesearching]

ah yes, time to forgive ourselves