Depression

[Racewac844]

I would really like to share my story if people could help

[optimismrus]

This is a safe place to share. Find the courage to tell us about yourself. We're here to listen and support you. 🥰

[Racewac844 in reply to optimismrus]

This is my story, when I was a child everything appeared fine I was happy, I was able to do things. Thought my family cared, to the outside world things appeared fine. What wasn't normal was the fact that one of my parents was an abusive alcoholic. Sometimes we would have to hide out in hotels or parking lots until they went asleep. Was told my mom was abused when pregnant w me. Well things got worse : my dad wanted to move. We moved. As the new kid I was the outsider that nobody liked. I got teased and bullied..gum in my hair while riding the bus. I started acting out, being mean.. my mom was really never there fir me now looking back, I don't remember her sticking up for me , my dad did some but not the normal ways..my mom would come home and fall asleep, my Dad worked long hours. I think i.joined sports as an escape or something to do. The opposite sex never noticed me. But I don't consider myself pretty. My parents got divorced. My mom remarried. I moved to be w my mom because my dad's gf wasn't nice and she would over spend my dad's money. One thing is when I moved I made more friends or friends which I never had any since elementary

[Racewac844 in reply to optimismrus]

Look below

[Racewac844 in reply to optimismrus]

I decided I wanted to try to meet guys and more people so I went down to a local hangout, one night all my friends wanted to go home but I wanted to stay out , met a guy which turned out he had a gf that he never told me about there more

[Racewac844 in reply to optimismrus]

One night I went to the hangout again and I noticed a strange car following me,it was his gf.i was right out of hs. We got into an altercation. Fought. Everyone was on her side. It got worse, they would force me into a parking lot call me names, throw things at me , kick my car. I would go home in tears. All I remember is my mom telling me to go down there but I continued because I wanted people to like me. I met a person and he stuck up for me. Helped me through this ,I was severely depressed that I think I admitted myself but checked out

[Racewac844 in reply to optimismrus]

It got worse I remember crying outside a club, bar one night and someone saying it can't be that bad. I longed for a bf, for men to notice me. I had a bf but I made the mistake of punching him. I was angry now looking back I feel bad. I moved, started going out to hang out w this guy friend , we had a lot of fun.i stayed w my dad off and on until I got an apartment. 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2010 weren't bad years, I found a relief of happiness. Although in 2009 I had to move in w my parents. Friends. I've never had security or a chsnce at security . I didn't move out until nuch later. A friend died, my grandma died. I suffered probably the worse trauma, I thought dysfunction was normal. I was abused every which way you can imagine. I blame myself..became so afraid to leave my house couldn't drive

[Racewac844 in reply to optimismrus]

Could nt leave for 2 years but forced myself and to drive. I was scared to work, made mistakes got fired and was told by management they wanted me gone. Admitted myself off and on. Felt like a bad person. Mental health professionals didn't treat me nice like saying what now etc.

[Racewac844 in reply to optimismrus]

During all of this I managed to work. Go to college abd graduate but nobody hired me. I didn't move out until 35 and I ask myself why. Like did I think things were normal, was I scared being lazy procrastinating. Therapists told me I have acute stress disorder. Didn't believe in myself. Met my husband. I have a hard time talking now, enjoying everything. No security . My husband treats me good..I am scared of people

[Racewac844 in reply to optimismrus]

Can't get comfortable. Never feel safe . My husband is not to blame my past is. Feel unwanted, ugly disgusting. Hate I have a urine issue now. I'm obese and I was thin took care of myself. My husband tries to help but doesn't understand why I'm up and down all the time. When I met him I was able to pull myself out of misery from family abuse etc. I believed in myself. Then we got married and that's when it all started deja vu, my enmeshed mom, nobody really being there at my wedding to support me I was so happy, I could see it. My Maid of honor siding and becoming friends w a lady who said mean things avoit me and that I wasn't really liked others comments. Feeling looked down on. Can't take care of a house. Had an abortion at 27 regret it because I knlw my chances are gone. My mom's rude comments. Wanting to get pregnant but life scares to die alone it's only me. Thus started again 3 years ago. A job promotion then loss. Abusive clients. People's negative comments a lot has happened. I miss me, my husband us. I want a good life. I want to help myself wonder if ptsd I do have nightmares

[Racewac844 in reply to optimismrus]

I'm sorry this is so long. Been feeling so much lately I'm depressed. No friends trying to help me. No family, lost dreams. How people treat me. Miss my husband and I. Miss sex. Hobbies..No kids ever.

[Racewac844]

Now I'm trying to find myself , find my way back to my husband. Been feeling everyone. Everything is against me

[RS1974]

Share your story please. It's a safe place here 🙂

[Racewac844 in reply to RS1974]

Can you see what I wrote to the other peer? My whole mindset I worked hard ti get is gone. I'm so scared to tell people how I feel. What I want or need. The last 6 have been hard

[RS1974 in reply to Racewac844]

Sweetie you need to tell others what you want and need. Don't keep it bottled up.

[Racewac844 in reply to RS1974]

I don't want to upset anyone or lose them. Why am I having a hard time getting back to myself

[RS1974 in reply to Racewac844]

Because you lost your self confidence and self esteem by negative self talk.

[Racewac844 in reply to RS1974]

I'm struggling and the loss of family, how people treat me is making it worse. Hoping my husband still loves me

[RS1974 in reply to Racewac844]

Talk to your husband and express your struggles or if you talk to him face to face then write a letter or text or email.

[Racewac844 in reply to RS1974]

I'm afraid ill.lose him

[RS1974 in reply to Racewac844]

Talk to him sweetie 🥰

[optimismrus]

Dear Race, thanks for opening up. That is a lot to process and overcome, but it can be done. Are you seeing a therapist? You've had a really hard time. The anger you're feeling is being turned inward, into self loathing. You can change this with help. It won't be easy but you can change you're thinking. We will be here to listen and encourage you. 🥰

[Racewac844 in reply to optimismrus]

The other thing is I ask myself what's wrong w me, is it dementia, hormones , ptsd, cptsd..2 years ago I wasn't this bad. I'm scared. I'm so scared to that my husband doesn't love me anymore, never wanted to have kids w me, no sex drive ..that's not helping, plus my own negative self talk..my own abuse to myself..you ask why were you born if your meant to suffer..I have to be strong, hide my pain. I miss my positive mindset. I miss my husband . I just want someone to actually get me

[Racewac844 in reply to optimismrus]

Thank you. Since I was born I've had no escape, no chance at a life . I'm just surviving