I'm Unbelievably ...

[Beaujie]

... irritated right now, and have been all day long. These mood swings tend to happen more and more often these days. It goes from lethargy to acceptance to gratefulness to annoyance to anger to rage. I have to stay away from others so that I don't do or say anything I'll very much regret later on in the day or week.

I think I need to rethink going back to Esketamine treatments - that was definitely the period in my life when I was the most chill, full of gratitude, and thoughtful/hopeful about the future.

Thanks for letting me vent it out there.

-B

[linuxusr]

Hello again, Beaujie! Here's how I break it down! Well, first, as you indicated, it's time to make that appointment with your physician to evaluate whether you should resume esketamine. And, meanwhile, probably good to chill by yourself for a while, until your volatility quiets down--don't want to burn any bridges with the people you are close to! And lastly, are there any real events or situations that are causing you agitation that you CAN fix?? Hope this helps.

[Beaujie in reply to linuxusr]

Linux,

Thank you for these really well-reasoned and thought-out suggestions. I almost feel the opposite now - like an emotionless automaton as I type. But that comes from spending most of my time alone. I'm going to ask about the Esketamine next week.

As far as events I can fix - not necessarily that I, myself, can fix, but I can alter my exposure to some things. I got off social media completely, with the exception of this amazing platform. I also cut in half the number of irrelevant, relentless phone notifications I receive per day - I should probably just turn them all the way off. I also stopped consuming news media. That, in and of itself, has been a big help. If you can believe it, I used to be MORE unstable, lol! But I'm going to look for some more tangible things I can control that fit into the same mold.

I appreciate your help so much. Have an amazing evening/day/night/whatever it is where you are

-B

[linuxusr in reply to Beaujie]

You are most welcome, B, anytime! Well, if you used to be more unstable, then you've improved! Progress! Now maybe you can improve again and take it to the next level. I absolutely agree with you about the necessity to put constraints on the electronics. When I leave the house, I purposely avoid using any smartphone or electronic device. I carry only a cheap dumb-phone for emergency phone calls. Being out is the time to people watch, get some fresh air, commune with nature, and, most importantly, when the opportunities come along, to talk with people, maybe meet a new friend. Besides therapy and medication, nothing helps me more than to have someone to talk with: on this forum, good, by phone or WhatsApp and hear the voice, better, live and in person, the best. So, yeah, by any means, find ways to increase your time with other people, and put the breaks on the electronic stuff.

[Beaujie in reply to linuxusr]

It seems like you've got a lot of things figured out , and I can appreciate that! I never thought about making the distinction between when "out and about," vs when "home and chilling or doing something else." With the phone - that's kinda brilliant, really - and so simple it almost seems like it's too easy to work well, but I feel like it would. Maybe for me I would do it that way for a little while, and then if it's helping me improve my social tendencies then eventually I would switch it so that I can only be reached when I'm out and about, rather than when I'm having my "me" time at home. I dunno, but I'm going to think on it! I think any way we can cut out some electronic interfacing is a better way to live a sane existence.

-B

[linuxusr in reply to Beaujie]

Ah, very good, go for that, think outside of the box! Now when I'm home, I do lots of electronic stuff: I'm taking my second semester of general chemistry (inorganic); I have started organic chemistry; I use AI to teach me Python coding, etc. But outside? That's "people time." Like they say, "There's a time and a place."

[Beaujie in reply to linuxusr]

Gosh, I don't do as much as you even if you combine house and out times! That's incredible Are you working toward a degree or is this just for your personal enrichment? Either way, I know I have something to strive for, given everything you can accomplish. Definitely going to try and benefit from your understandings. Thank you!

-B

[linuxusr]

Hey, B! To answer your question, no, I do not engage these intellectual activies, various studies, for a degree, for employment, for money. I do it for the great rewards: euphoria that comes in the aftermath of achieving some understanding of complex ideas, that deepens my understanding of "how the world works," satisfying my everpresent curiosity. Maybe I was born with this predisposition. My aunt, a physician, told my father that when I was about one years old, and crawling, that whenever I was placed in a new environment, someone's house for example, that I would crawl through every room and the perimeter of every room , investigating . . . Later this morphed to travel in many countries, many cultures, many languages. I speak four languages and have bits and pieces of five more languages. For chemistry, I lucked out with one of the best professors I've ever had (He is a Ph.D. and retired university professor) and I am attending via an online class with lectures. I have 500 pages of detailed notes, am constantly doing algebra to resolve problems, querying AI for stuff I don't understand from the lectures. Studying chemistry is one of the most centering and joyful activities, that has been a great help when I have been suffering psychiatrically.

If there is something in your world that you think you would like to investigate for fun, let me know what it is. I will do a little research and possibly give you some ideas.