Did you ever come from a vist with someone who does a lot of complaining but does not want a solution or even your opinion? Or someone who lashes out unexpectedly even though you are not the cause of that anger? They just expect you to sit there, shut up and listen? Do these people realize that you too may have things that you are dealing with? That you too may be struggling? Do they even care?
After dealing with these people, I feel like I've been carrying the weighf of the world on my shoulders.
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Bigoldogsmiles
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Set boundaries up front. I need calm and peace in my home. If you are feeling the need to express your anger, ok, go outside and get it out. I have no interest in being your audience for that. Complaints reply "hm, that's interesting " and keep walking or change the subject " I am going to have a cup of coffee and invite them to join. Here is the hard part- complaining is habitual ask them if they realize that they communicate in the negative . It is a learned behavior usually from being ignored. It also controlling. They will object and complain but you will have planted a seed. good luck.
Yes. My Psychiatrist calls these "non compliant complainers." I know one of them. She has a lot of problems that could be improved - mostly balance, weight and wearing completely inappropriate shoes. She can barely walk. Everyone has talked to her but she gets angry at the smallest suggestion. The best thing with people like this is to spend less time with them, and refrain from giving them any suggestions. Let them in effect stew in their own juices.
Thank you! Yes. Some people just love complaining. I seemed to have attracted a lot of these type of people. I am now in the process of weeding them out.
Yes I get that as have had it before from family members. I call it the 'yes but game'. I long ago stopped responding and would just say well you are just going to have to put up with it then. But it is exhausting.
The best way to deal with it if you can't avoid them is to become a grey rock. Don't let them get any response from you apart from changing the subject. Or making an excuse you have to do something, go out or anything.
I have a sister like this. She hasn't a clue how the world operates and gets very stressed by things she reads online. Her current one is fury at the government's announcement they can look in people's back accounts. I keep telling her its only for fraud so why should anyone bother with her. And is she committing fraud. She says I don't know (she isn't) but she is going to cancel all her direct debits etc. She asks me furiously why I am not as upset by it and I just say if it helps to stop fraud then good.
She just insists the government is going to go through everyone's account -all the many millions of them even though I tell her they aren't and can't. But nothing works so now I just change the subject or walk away when she refuses to be reassured.
I can't be bothered with that either as I have enough issues of my own already without wanting to invent silly things to worry about.
She has been doing this for many years but she knows I will just walk away or be a grey rock which does help.
Not only do they drag you down, but these people steal your time. However, their complaining and continually asking for advice and never taking it is a habit. Habits can be changed but they can only be changed by the person themselves. Someone really close to them needs to be able to tell them what their real problem is - i.e. the habit, and to suggest a reframing of their problems, ideally, a life coach, but if they have any self-awareness at all, they can do it themselves. The friend is getting something out of their complaining; they're being listened to, taken notice of, comforted, so it can take a lot to overcome such a rewarding habit.
Hi MaggieSylvieThank you for your insight on this! I've never really thought of complaining as a bad habit but it totaly makes sense! So many people I have recently weeded out of my life have no interst in making things better for themselves but are habitual complainers. Thank you again!
I've just read your profile, and really, I would limit your time with these vampires. You have enough problems of your own. Perhaps they are trying to tell you that their problem is worse than yours. That's also a bad habit.
My sister used to be like that before we stopped talking to each other. She'd call me up or I'd call her up and she would always start with "I can't speak long", what would follow would be 2-3 hours of listening to her problems and if I ever interrupted, she would yell at me.
We both realized we have a toxic relationship that was forged back in a crappy childhood.
Now we email each other every month or every few weeks and only say pleasantries.
Also, sometimes there are no solutions. People need to vent to someone. Folks are well-meaning with their advice but sometimes the person receiving the advice only feels more guilty about their situation like they can't even do the simplest things to improve it. I often feel that way.
Thank you for sharing Brad57. Advise is great if it's asked for. Otherwise, it's not our job to fix what we thing is wrong with everyone else. Good luck in your healing journey!
Thank you Worthytobeloved. I am slowly tending to that.
my mum wants us to write on calendar when have days off but sister in law says she is not doing. And then goes ruins my mum's plan when she needs help. They are refusing to cooperate
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