This Pain Feels Worse Than Any I Have Ever Experienced.

[SKR2023]

Today I find myself looking at the photos (all of them), of all the times we shared in the relationship and marriage. I feel like life has left me and I am nothing more than a shell of a man that I once was. To feel responsible for destroying everything that meant the world is weighing on me so heavy. Every time I think I am doing okay, another wave of sadness crashes over me, making me feel like I am drowning in pain and sorrow. Reminding me that though we had many years together, it can all disappear in a blink of an eye. I feel like I will forever carry this guilt deep within me and it feels like I have no more love to give if it isn't her. She was the most beautiful, wonderful, and compassionate person there is and my stupidity destroyed what we had. Time and time again I have find myself creating a disastrous mess of everything good in my life, because I am not used to things just be okay. I was once told that I love to live in the chaos, because chaos is all I have ever known, and now I feel that to be more true than ever before. Feels like yesterday I had it all, married, son, and a good job, now my home feels emptier, my heart feels emptier, and there isn't a moment in time where my eyes aren't swelling from the tears of my failure to appreciate the person that I had. We had been through so much and I guess I just got used to being able to overcome everything together, that I failed to see what changes I needed to make before it was too late.

[Starrlight]

I hear your pain through each word and my heart goes out to you. I hope you will be able to forgive yourself.

We are here for you any time you need to talk.

[worthytobeloved]

I'm so sorry for how you are feeling and what you are going through. I remember your first post where (I think) you said this was your second marriage. Do you think that somehow you don't deserve anything good, so if something (or someone) good comes into your life, you subconsciously spoil it? One way or another, try to get counselling, if you aren't already - more to just unload how you feel than try and find answers. I will say that just because you are breaking up with this wonderful woman, you can still be there for her, you can still be friends. I hope with all my heart that, if you can deal with the things that upset her, she may come back with a stronger love for you. Even if not, continue loving her and being there for her. This may be a stupid thing to say, but could you show her your first post. It really showed how much you loved her and how devastated you are at what's happening. I just wish you all the best - you will be in my thoughts.