Emotionally Immature Parents

[Amiwrong]

I am learning about this in therapy and wondered if anyone else ventured down this road of discovery? Of all the therapy over the years this is the first time a therapist suggested this could be a major part of my struggles, especially with my relationship. Has anyone else heard of this and maybe can share some insights?

[Timas]

Yes.... I have heard of it!

Are you saying that this is the first time you've considered that your upbringing could be at least partly responsible for your issues? Or the first time you've heard the phrase "emotionally immature" to describe bad parenting?

[Amiwrong in reply to Timas]

I mean the concept of emotionally immature parents, what it means to grow up with them and how it impacts you as a child and as an adult. My depression and anxiety started as a child and I knew my upbringing was problematic. Emotionally abusive, cptsd, I’ve dealt with in therapy in the past but it never really clicked. I would talk about my childhood like I was just reading words, with no depth.

[Timas in reply to Amiwrong]

I think I understand. I was also depressed and anxious as a child. And I knew my parents weren't ideal. My relationship with my Mother was difficult. But I wasn't sexually, verbally or physically abused so it's always been hard to know what to think about it. Maybe a decade ago I started realizing how it probably is still affecting me. Yes, definitely with relationships!! I've mostly chosen to have few relationships because I had a sense that I didn't know what healthy was. Not that they were abusive or anything like that, just not quite right. As I go along I think I understand more and more. Both my parents were emotionally immature and my Mom was emotionally all over the place and sometimes volatile.

I try to read a lot online and I've read a book about emotionally immature parents. But I'm still having trouble working it all out. I've been to therapy in the past and no one has ever given me much insight into it. I'm wondering if a therapist can help with this or not. Some of the family dynamics and behaviors are just weird and confusing but not abusive .

Short answer, I think figuring out how it's affected you is key. But the process is so slow for me. I can't figure out how to speed it up.

And also...... I have a lot of anger that I just don't know what to do with.

[Amiwrong]

I think this is why I got so excited to hear about EI parents. Like you, nothing ever really fit, but this is putting so many pieces together for me. You must feel like there has to be that one book, that one therapist that can give you an ah-ha moment. Maybe if you saw your upbringing from a different perspective. Your mom was difficult and volatile but not abusive. What if her behaviour was actually abusive in a way to your inner child? What if it in some way stunted your growth, impacted that brain development. What if how your mom was, and maybe some things from outside the home (for me it was bullies, oh and a sibling) affected you more than you realize. Our brains are funny and mine saw a certain perspective of my childhood and wouldn’t let go. This perspective was close enough to my reality, but not quite. The not quite part was the key to explore (at least right now in early stages. Who knows if it will get anywhere in the end. Depression likes to mess with me like that lol ).

[Timas]

You've brought up so many interesting things here - all things I've been doing a whole lot of thinking about.

I have competing thoughts about my family. On one hand, I do believe that my upbringing and relationships must play a big part in my issues. There are red flags and I've seen them since I was a kid. On the other hand, nothing seems "bad" enough to account for my total lack of direction in life, my low energy, no career despite college science degree, social isolating etc. People that have had way worse childhoods seem to forge ahead and, despite lots of unhealthy choices, relationships etc, are much more functional than I am. I can't figure out what to make of that. And, yes, I am desperately looking for that book or therapist or something that will help me make more sense of this 😂

When I read the EI book I was struck by how all of the parents seemed obviously dysfunctional and how the adult children just didn't see it.....until they did. And it sounds like that was maybe the case for you. That seems like it could be a good sign for you in being able to really make some headway. I hope so!!

I'd be interested in hearing if your therapist gets into this with you and can give you more insight. In therapy, I've only gotten feedback like "that must have been hard" which doesn't give me much to to work with at all. I'm thinking about trying an in person support group but have reservations. Not sure what my next steps should be.

Feel free to PM me if you like to discuss, dissect, analyze

[Amiwrong in reply to Timas]

Oh no, see that’s where you have it skewed It’s not the LEVEL of trauma or dysfunction that determines our outcomes. Think about siblings who live in the same household and received the same levels of abuse, each one handles it differently. The reasons, I have learned, stems from personality (I’m super sensitive and so was much more deeply impacted), from our brains and how it is processing the trauma at the time, outside influences that may add extra stressors, whether we have other challenges such as adhd or ASD. I think that’s your first step is to rid yourself of the belief that your struggles were not as severe as others and so you shouldn’t really be having these issues as an adult. That thinking will perhaps signal a weakness, which is not the case

[Timas in reply to Amiwrong]

I can't disagree with anything you've said. That all makes sense.

I guess I feel a real need to understand cause and effect. If I can identify things as healthy or unhealthy, then I can make choices.

A lot of it might be about the absence of things rather than things that were directly done to me: more along the lines of emotional neglect and inconsistencies that I can't make sense of. Covert vs overt. Contradictions. Intelligent people that run on emotions rather than logic. Things I can't quite put my finger or put into words well - like more subtle hostility and passive aggressiveness. I felt like she was emotionally manipulative. Sometimes it was obvious like the examples in the books but mostly it wasn't.

And then I get to thinking that it may have all been in the range of normal and healthy. After all, people are flawed, make mistakes and get upset and angry. And I'm also extra sensitive in certain ways (not so much in others) so maybe my perceptions are wrong.

I mean I do see your point, and it's a good one, but for various reasons I can't figure out how to do that😂