Why I don't like being told drinking is bad or "have you talked to her"

[Against_the_current]

I have

[MaggieSylvie]

Sorry, Against. That is too small to read.

[Against_the_current in reply to MaggieSylvie]

I'm talking about how she treats me when i mention it, abusing me and manipulating me but it's too painful to write it out

[gajh]

Sorry I couldn't make all of that out. I do not believe you should talk to your Mother about her drinking, if that is what you meant. That is not going to change anything. You need to focus on yourself not on your Mother.

[Against_the_current in reply to gajh]

Yeah. But how do i do it

[MaggieSylvie]

Best to focus (a little at a time) on what she could be doing that is good for her, rather than focusing on what she is doing that is bad for her and for those around her. Try to be positive, rather than negative is what I'm trying to say. Offer her orange juice. That would be one drink she doesn't have.

[Against_the_current in reply to MaggieSylvie]

She refuses. I make her tea all the time. She doesn't touch it. She only wants alchol. She only wants to drink, scroll Facebook and stalk and envy and torture me. That are her hobbies and she refuses to take another. Me and her friend tried to make her crotchet, she made a drama out if it saying why should she crotchet, she's so busy, if it's for money me to crochet. Even grandma came on her side saying im doing nothing all day

[MaggieSylvie]

Grandma! What has your doing nothing all day to do with your mum's drinking? If Grandma thinks it's ok, then leave them to it.

Now. You are trying to manipulate your mum (perhaps she's not interested in crochet or any kind of crafting). Don't do that. Remember that your dad has not only left you and your sister - he has left your mum; whatever their relationship was like, I expect your mum is missing him more than you are. It wasn't long ago, and perhaps drinking is the only comfort your mum gets, plus she has two gobby daughters to worry about.

If you are "doing nothing all day", ask what is it you are not doing but should be doing? Have you noticed the mess on the worktop, the clothes that are waiting to be put away? Mums notice them.

As regards her activity online, try not to react, and keep away from her on social media. I wonder what rewards she is getting from stalking you on FB, especially as you are in the same room! But remember that alcohol affects how a person behaves, so whatever she does or says, it's not really Mum, it's Mum-with-demons. OK?

[Alpakka123 in reply to MaggieSylvie]

This is actually helping me to read as well, so thank you! Just wanted to say that!

[Against_the_current in reply to MaggieSylvie]

She stalks dad

[MaggieSylvie in reply to Against_the_current]

I'm not surprised. It is such a sad situation. There, but for the grace of God, go I. Please be your mum's friend; her drinking may be temporary. Get your grandma on your side as well and figure out how to help her best between you.

[Alpakka123 in reply to MaggieSylvie]

It's the alcoholic brain comment that made an impression since apparently this was one of my abuser's lies. She was the alcoholic (and there are have been signs that this "was" is in fact an "is").

No excuse for abuse I know, but it does help to know this. It could be that she was drinking at the time of doing some of she did and said, which actually changes things a bit for me. It gets complicated from there, so I'll leave it at that.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

For me it makes them worse. If she's abusing me because of alcohol i feel really bad for her, scared and worried and hopeless and bad that that dad did this to her and let me take the bullet without even realising it even though i tried to tell him

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

I really doubt that your dad caused her to become an alcoholic. She did that on her own.

[Alpakka123]

Hi AtC,

I'm so sorry that everything is so hard. You unfortunately can't change your mom no matter how hard you try. She has to want to change.

Part of one of MaggieSylvie's comments made an impression on me, and that is that alcohol affects how a person behaves. My abuser told me that she left her husband because he was an alcoholic. Through the help of others (or maybe you wouldn't call it help since it hurt me deeply to learn), I now know that I was lied to time and again. My abuser had apparently re-written her life story. Why would anyone do this? (rhetorical question). The answer is: no clue. I haven't the slightest clue. Only she knows (or maybe she doesn't; it could be that she's done this for so long that she believes her lies). Why would anyone do this? It could be that the truth is too painful, it could be that she's suffered unspeakable trauma at some point, it could be that she's highly ashamed of the truth, who knows. The point of telling you this is that denial can run deep. For us outsiders who care for them, it hurts to see them do this to themselves. But can we change them? Unfortunately not.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

It hurts me to know she suffered and that's why she's doing this. And that she's hooked up. The only thing that helps is surrender because she won't ask for help, im just doing backflips for someone else, she doesn't want to change no matter how much i try

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

EXACTLY! It HURTS! It hurts those of us who love them to see them to do this to themselves. And it hurts even more to know that they won't do anything to help themselves.

The first step towards change is wanting to change. I learned last year (or was it the year before? I forgot) that I was just another victim to my abuser. I learned not too long ago that she hasn't stopped with me. Unfortunately this is what she does. She has not changed, and I bet you anything that it's because she does not want to change.

It hurts those of us who love these people to watch them do this to themselves because we don't understand how someone can operate like they do. It's mind-boggling to us. You want to save your mom. I want to save my abuser. While this is admirable, it's unfortunately not feasible until they take that first step.

It's like therapy. Therapists help us help ourselves. But if we stop making the effort to help ourselves, the therapy comes to a standstill.