need motivation

[Knufflebun]

this last month, I’ve been overwhelmed with thoughts of hopelessness and meaninglessness (if that’s a word). I struggle with accepting the facts that life inevitably comes to an end, sometimes unexpectedly. I have horrible anxiety around this, making me feel like I am running out of time. It’s gotten to the point of having irrational thoughts of me just not waking up in the morning (I’m 20 years old so I know it’s unlikely.) but I can’t shake this fear. I’m scared of time not only affecting me but my parents. I’m deeply scared for the end not only for myself but for those I love. I would do anything to protect them from harm, but this is something that you can’t run from. I admire and respect both my parents, and it scares me that they can’t run from this either, which makes me scared for myself. I feel like I am being selfish. I think about if I ever had to choose between sparing their life or mine. I’d like to think I’d sacrifice myself for them, but my fear scares me. I’ve never been this afraid of anything. I can’t talk about this to anyone because I’m afraid to influence this manifestation of dark thoughts in others. I’m scared to post this even now, afraid I might influence something negatively, but it’s not my intention at all. I would never wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I wish I could just forget this, be naive and young again (like a child). I feel like if I were to forget this, I would have to forget my life all together, which is something I would never want to do. I would never want to forget my family and friends. I wish I could stay with them for all eternity in my home, safe. I’ve started to feel regret whenever I do leave the house, I want to spend all my time with my family, but then I am missing crucial moments that should be made at this time of my life. Again, I feel like I am running out of time. Running out of time to spend with my family, friends, pets. Or just experiencing life. This makes me scared that maybe this is the universe telling me that it might be my time soon (I would never influence this by my own hand). How do I cope with this, how can anyone cope with this? Religion? Spirituality? I wish I could have those comforts, but I don’t. If I do make it to make kids in the future, I think I would grow them up to have these things, to have beliefs and not be stuck with my own hopelessness that has been gifted to me by my own worries and fears. I’m sorry I am just rambling and using this platform incorrectly. I’ve never reached out to anyone so I’m not 100% sure how to use this site or what to do. Getting professional help isn’t an option for me because then my family and friends would know I’m struggling and I don’t want to distress my parents about this. I don’t know what anyone could possibly say to this, It just has become to overwhelming for me to ignore anymore.

sorry again I don’t want anyone to feel worse by reading this I just need motivation.

[cashew78]

knowing what it is is the first step: Thanatophobia. Second step is reaching out for help, which is what you've done by posting in a community like this one. Third step is realizing that the steps to life don't necessarily happen in some sort of chronological order 😋 It's not selfish to want to find ways to navigate life.

[RavennaPoe]

Nobody has to know that you are seeking help from a doctor. All doctors are required to keep your medical information confidential.

Talking to someone about your fears is the best thing you can do. I had a phobia when I was a child. When I was in my 30's I went to talk to a counselor about my phobia and now I can face that fear.