intrusive thoughts and images

[ChaeChae]

I have battled anxiety and depression with slight psychosis, off and on for almost 13 years. Mentally and emotionally I am over the place. I don't usually talk to anyone about my challenges for multiple reasons. One of them being is that I don't want sympathy or pity. Also I know no one I have ever encountered, has ever truly understood the magnitude. Which is a great thing because I would NOT wish this on anyone else.

I have been saved before. But All of the church and Bible scriptures, the therapists and medications in the world could not relieve or cure me from this. It is an chemical/hormonal imbalance. It makes me feel really bad and guilty ( which may be a false sense of guilt due to hormonal imbalances ) and over all feel heavy emotionally and bad about myself. I get tired of pretending to be normal and pretending to be something that I am not which is happy. I have intrusive thoughts which can be accompanied by images. I am not homicidal at all.

nevertheless, my episodes can be accompanied by generalized situations. This recent one - my supervisor who is like a second mom to me ( we do not hang out outside of work but she’s a good human and reminds me of my late great grandmother).

We work in the health care field. Everyone we worked with got sick and I offered her some tea samples that I had from my favorite tea boxes I purchased. I immediately starting over thinking it and making sure handles it with clean hands and etc. so after a day of mild anxiety. I was able to fight off the intrusive thoughts because I knew o was trying to be helpful. Weeks later she got sick. Then a month later our head boss got her sick and she was sick for 3 weeks. That was round February ish.

So her and i were talking about it recently and my mind started raving back and it started to recreate that day in January I offered her samples and I started panicking. What if I poisoned the samples ? If something sinister came over me and I utilized house hood cleaning supplies and sprayed the tea bag samples ? I would never do that. But my mind is racing through trying to make sure I did nothing wrong . I’ve talked to her about my anxiety and etc. she assured me I did nothing wrong. He doctor ran test because she lost weight and she was and is fine. But I feel so stuck in these images and thoughts. I’m a careful human and I take care of anyone around me with integrity and dignity.

[blackcat64013]

Hi ChaeChae,Thank you for your post.

Life is certainly complicated by mentally challenging situations.

It's great to know that you have at least one good person to support you.

If you are ever needing someone to call 24/7 please call the mental health helpline 988. It's like 911 for mental health.

Hoping each day is better than yesterday for you. 💜 🐈‍⬛

[Starrlight]

You seem like such a kind person. Maybe sensitive? I find I overthink and worry and even get paranoid.

I also deal with intrusive thoughts bipolar 1 w/anxiety depression ocd and ptsd. I have, like you, had psychosis.

For some reason I’m getting better with it all. For no reason I can put my finger on. Maybe the therapy is finally sinking in.

What if anything helps you at all? I think for me exercising helps my overall mental health and sometimes if I can manage, meditation/prayer. But lately I’m trying to conquer some bad habits I’ve started.

best to you,

❤️⭐️

P.s. “I’m a careful human and I take care of anyone around me with integrity and dignity.” I so respect this in you.